The Joe Tessitore Drinking Game

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screen cap via One Bronco Nation Under God.

It is that time of year again UC fans. The time when UC plays a prime time Friday night game on ESPN. UC has played at least one Friday night game in each of the past three seasons and they have all been called by the gold plated piece of shit announcing duo that is Joe Tessitore and Rod Gilmore. They also called the Hawai'i game in 2008, the only time in my life that I have put the TV on mute to listen to the radio broadcast just to avoid ripping a brick from the facade of my apartment and throwing it through my TV. Hawai'i was the worst, but all of those broadcasts can pretty accurately be described as sonic abominations. With that in mind I am going to introduce the Joe Tessitore drinking game. It's the only method I can fathom that will enable a sane person to watch a game called by these two pompus asses and escape with their sanity, if not their sobriety, in tact.

The rules to this are very simple. It works best with a good beer, I am going to play with Sam Adams Octoberfest, but you can play with anything, so long as it has alcohol in it. This is a vital point, playing this game without imbibing defiantly dulls its effectiveness. So go ahead UC students and crush that Nati Light if you must. The drinking offenses are enummerated below.

 

  • Tessitore misses a a down and distance spot - One Drink
  • Tessitore mispronounces a players Surname - One Drink
  • Tessitore gives a player the wrong first name example; Zach Collaros will magically become Tim Collaros - Two Drinks
  • Tessitore gives the wrong name for any duplicate number, example; When Maalik Bomar makes a tackle he will say that Munchie Legaux did - Two Drinks
  • Tessitore gives credit for a play to a player currently standing on the sidelines - Two Drinks
  • Tessitore in an effort to provide background on a player will give a bio, usually of another player - Two Drinks
  • Tessitore gives the credit for the tackle to the last person to jump on the pile, not the player that makes the play - Two Drinks
  • Tessitore will announce the hometown of a player, it will be wrong, example; "Ben Guidugliu the young Tight End out of Indianapolis" - Three Drinks
  • Tessitore will call Touchdown! early in the play on a goalline run. Running Back will be stopped short of the goalline - Three Drinks
  • With an offense in a goal to go situation Rod Gilmore will suggest giving the QB a run pass option. Doesn't matter if the QB is Denard Robinson or a delicate baby Gazelle like Ryan Mallett - Four Drinks  
  • Tessitore will ask Rod Gilmore for his opinion on a Football subject, prefacing the question with an acknowledgment of Gilmore's profession as a lawyer- Four Drinks
    • Followup - Gilmore will then speak about Football thinking that his law degree gives him a unique point of view. It doesn't - Two Drinks
  • Tessitore will exclaim on a breakaway run that the player is headed for the endzone. Said player will be tackled outside of the endzone - Four Drinks
  • Tessitore will claim that any pass touched in the slightest by a defender should have been picked off - Four Drinks
  • Tessitore mentions his and Gilmore's ridiculous storm the dorm segment before it is shown- Five Drinks
  • Tessitore makes a call back to something that happened in the storm the dorm segment, he and Gilmore laugh like moron's - Five Drinks
  • Tessitore and Gilmore manage to go an entire play without either of them saying something stupid - Finish Beverage In Hand
    • I can assure you that will happen no more than three times in the course of a three and a half hour game

So there you have it folks. The best way to enjoy a game broadcast by these two idiots. Drunk. Feel free to get together and play in a group. Make sure you print off a copy of this for next week in case you can't make it to Nippert Stadium next Friday night for the South Florida game like me.

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