By far the biggest piece of news to come out of UC athletics today actually had nothing to with anything that took place, you know, on the field or court or whatever. It is was much more noteworthy for the news that the UC Bearcat got arrested for throwing snow balls. With that the UC Bearcat joins a very exclusive club, being one of only two mascots to win the Capital One Mascot Challenge and be arrested, the other of course was Sebastian the Ibis, the mascot for the U.
Whats that you say? Sebastian the Ibis has never won the Capital One Mascot Challenge. Even better. The Bearcat will now go down in Mascot history as the only mascot to win the biggest, and only, mascot competition on the planet and be arrested in the same calender year. A fine achievement to be sure, and one that is surely never to be matched in the annals of Mascot History. But whats the real reason for the arrest. What would prompt such a furry and lovable creature to engage in such a despicable act.
(The story picks up fifteen minutes later in an expansive and darkened interrogation room in the basement of University Pavillion. The room was once the site of an underground fight club organized by Nancy Zimpher. Zimpher was undefeated in her two years fighting on Cincinnati's underground fight club scene fighting under the moniker of "Redd Dressing" before a being forced to retire from club competition due to an unfortunate accident sustained snorkeling off the coast of Australia near the Great Barrier Reef when she was eaten by a Great White Shark. The Nancy Zimpher currently serving as Chancellor for the State University of New York is really a cyborg sent from the future)
Police Officer One: So, what exactly prompted you to do this.
Bearcat: Can I get my headgear back
Police Officer Two: What headgear?
BC: The comically large furry head currently being held in your right hand.
PO2: What of it?
BC: I want it, it's mine and you took it from me. give it back.
(exasperated police officer two hands the head to the Bearcat who quickly and silently puts it upon his bonce)
PO1: What happened out there son? Why did you do it
BC: Do what?
PO2: You know exactly what we are talking about!
(The Bearcat just sits silently and smiles for a while)
(Losing his cool Police Officer Two lunges for the furry little neck of the Bearcat)
PO1: Jesus Ian, you need to calm down!
PO2: Shut the fuck up Richard! I can't stand this little pricks smirks.
PO1: You know that is just a mask right?
PO2: Of course I know that!
(The Bearcat watches this unfold with a look of benign contentment from the other side of the table)
PO2: Why the hell did you throw snowballs into the crowd.
BC: I didn't throw any snowballs at anyone. Honest.
PO2: Show him the tape
PO1: I don't know...
PO2: Show him the fucking tape Dick!
(PO1 moves slowly to a darkened corner of the room. The sound of rolling polyurethane wheels fills the room as PO1 returns with a TV and a tape)
(The sound of muffled sobs emanates from the head of the Bearcat)
BC: I don't know why I did it
PO2: You did it because you are an entitled little punk
(Silence punctuated by the occasional sob from the Bearcat pervades for several minutes)
BC: This year has been rough man. It was all such a rush. There I was in December, riding the high of an undefeated season and another BCS bowl. The Basketball team was ranked and I was about the win the Mascot Challenge...
PO1: And then Kelly left...
BC: And then Kelly left. Florida kicked our ass and the Basketball team faltered down the stretch as ever taking away an NCAA bid. It just all started to go down hill from there.
PO1: What do you mean it went down hill
BC: Well I started to smoke a little pot, you know, to take the edge off. And that was fine at first but then it all started to snowball
PO2: What do you mean snowball...
BC: Well I went to rehab and got clean and sober. I was doing really well. You know I started looking out for myself, I realized that I had something to live for. I had a mascot challenge to win again. So i started eating healthy and working out...
BC: When this season rolled around I was in the best shape of my life.
BC: But then it all started to go wrong. The Juggernaut I had known on the gridiron fell apart right before my eyes and week by week my frustration grew until today. I saw those Pitt fans go into the Student Section and I just couldn't help myself. I let all my anger go with those few soft volleys of frozen and packer water.
PO1: That doesn't excuse you behaviour.
BC: I got nothing man, I got nothing left to live for. Why not lob some frozen water? It won't hurt them.
PO2: Well, The basketball team is doing good this year.
BC: For now, Cronin will find some way to screw this thing up.
PO1: You're probably right on that...
PO2: Regardless there is always tomorrow. Things will get better. Who's to say things won't go back to the way they were.
(Several moments of tearful contemplation later...)
BC: I guess you are right.
(The two men and the anthropomorphic Binturong share a tearful embrace. Moments later, after they composed themselves, The Three gather their things and depart Nancy Zimpher's former Fight Club as friends, forever changed by the what transpired in that room)