I am the Miss Cleo of College Football.
Follow me on twitter @ClaytonTrutor for the correct picks to every important college football game and for incisive commentary on all other aspects of the human experience.
Last week, I shocked the world over and over again with my clairvoyance. This week, I will make you enough money to have an opulent Christmas. Enough money to outfit the entire family in Queen City Sportswear, or to buy them such books as Ted Miller’s Nut Country: Right Wing Dallas and the Birth of the Southern Strategy or Greg Renoff’s Van Halen Rising: How a Southern California Backyard Party Band Saved Heavy Metal, or some liquid insulation from Loesch Hardware on Madison Road in our fair city of Cincinnati.
Last Week: 7-7
Season to Date: 56-35
- Cincinnati (3-2) at Brigham Young (4-2): BYU may be the home of the 2015 national hip hop dance champions, but Cincinnati made WWE World Heavyweight Champion Dean Ambrose the man that he is today.* Brigham Young (the guy with the beard and the 55 wives, not the school) never even held the Intercontinental Belt. As a side note, Neil Diamond’s "Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon" is the creepiest song ever written. Number two on that list is BYU’s fight song.
*I recognize Dean Ambrose’s brief, unofficial reign as champion. Nice head of hair too.
Final Score: Cincinnati 38, BYU 37
The Rest of the AAC
- #24 Houston (5-0) at Tulane (2-3). Houston has produced music legends Archie Dell, The Geto Boys, Chamillionaire, Krazy Bone, ZZ Top, Clint Black, Destiny’s Child, Steve Earle, Deep Blue Something, The Bee Gees, Marshall Mathers, Billy Joel, Kansas, Boston, Asia, Foreigner, Europe, America, Golden Earring, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Not to mention WWE superstars The Undertaker, Stevie Ray, and Booker T.
Final Score: Houston 60, Tulane 55
- USF (2-3) at UConn (3-3): Coming off their victory in the "Civil Conflict," UConn faces South Florida this week in "The Battle for the Hermes Birkin." UConn has a decided advantage in this matchup. WWE Superstar and handbag expert Hunter Hearst Helmsley (HHH) hails from Greenwich, Connecticut. His taste is impeccable and he nearly defeated Nixon in ’68.
Final Score: UConn 71, USF 70
- Tulsa (3-2) at East Carolina (3-3): Greenville, North Carolina has that three-story Holiday Inn on Main Street. Greenville, North Carolina has that statue of Neville Chamberlain in front of its VFW. Greenville, North Carolina has that Applebee’s where Stu relocated to after they closed his home Applebee’s. Applebee’s made him the manager of the Greenville branch.
Stu has made the following rules at his Applebee’s:
1. Riblets are always $5.99
2. The 24 oz Coors Light special is now called "The Budzilla."
3. Technotronic’s "Pump Up the Jam" is the only song ever allowed on Stu’s radio.
4. Anyone who expresses a preference for "Another Night," "Rhythm is a Dancer," or "C’mon Ride the Train" will never be allowed in Stu’s restaurant again.
5. All powers not delegated to Stu are reserved to the States, respectively, or to the people.
Final Score: East Carolina 27, Tulsa 9
- #13 Ole Miss (5-1) at #25 Memphis (5-0): This is the story of an extremely obese, rather immature, yet very bright and talented young man. When accused of a major crime years ago, he went on the run. Now that he has been exonerated of the crime, he has trouble making amends with the wife and son he abandoned. This obese, young non-criminal made friends with "The Raccoons," Bert, Melissa, and Ralph Raccoon, whose home was stolen when Tommy and Julie cut it down for their Christmas tree. Eventually, the Raccoons discover that Cyril Sneer is the mastermind behind the deforestation of Evergreen Forest and they confront him and his son, Cedric, who eventually relents. In a dream sequence, the Raccoons appear to Tommy and Julie, and they begin to realize that they’ve done wrong in cutting down Bert, Melissa, and Ralph’s home. They rectify the situation with $75 Canadian and proceed to enjoy the Christmas holiday with their dad, Dan the Forest Ranger. The next summer, Wheels comes back from Port Hope, having been made an honest man. He gets hired by Tessa Campanelli to hunt down Spike’s Baby, Jerome, who is currently in the employ of one Morris Day, a local R&B entrepreneur who challenges "The Kid" for the affections of Apollonia.
Final Score: Ole Miss Wins Again! 33-20.
- UCF (0-6) at Temple (5-0): George O’Leary’s indigenous habitat is West Islip, NY. The indigenous habitat for a Bryan Adams ballad is the couples skate at a roller-rink.
Final Score: Temple 42, UCF 20
- #18 UCLA (4-1) at #15 Stanford (4-1): I have decided to hand the Glengarry leads over to Kevin Hogan. Alan Arkin, Ed Harris, and I will be procuring them this evening.
Final Score: Stanford 28, UCLA 21
- #17 Iowa (6-0) at #20 Northwestern (5-1): As I learned in American Movie, Mark Borchardt had to make Coven before he could make Northwestern. My favorite album is Songs I Know by Mark’s buddy, Mike Schank. Mike tried to force Mark’s elderly uncle to drink Surge, then a new xtreme citrus beverage made by the Coca-Cola Corporation. My favorite non-Mike Schank song is "No One Like You" by the Scorpions, which my brother wrote for me, for Christmas. Take away Mark Borschardt quote from American Movie: "We didn’t have college. We didn’t have religion. We had drinking. Drinking. Drinking. Drinking." I also learned from American Movie to refer to detectives as "the boys."
Final Score: Iowa 21, Northwestern 7
- #7 Michigan State (6-0) at #12 Michigan (5-1): I think Michigan State will win.
Final Score: Michigan State 31, Michigan 20
- #8 Florida (6-0) at #6 LSU (5-0): Will Grier did a great impression of Lattimer from The Program this off-season. The Gator quarterback put on 43 pounds of muscle in about 2 hours and earned himself "a place at the table," in the words of Lattimer, as he smashed his head threw his defensive coordinator’s passenger side window. I always thought The Program was modeled after FSU. It apparently took the guys in Gainesville two decades to learn the trade secrets from their rivals in Tallahassee. Either way, Grier’s love of Ico-Pro has cost him the rest of his season. As a result, LSU gets to play its fourth consecutive game against a quarterback that started the season as the backup. Fear not Gators. In two weeks, the Florida defense will get the chance to tee off on Virginia’s backup quaterback Greyson Lambert, who is somehow now the starter at Georgia. Poor Uga IX. It’s been a long season for my favorite bulldog.
Final Score: LSU 45, Florida 20
- USC (3-2) at #14 Notre Dame (5-1): Thankfully, USC has no off-the-field distractions going into this game. But neither do the Fighting Irish. And Notre Dame has some serious weapons. I predict that the Fighting Irish do not lose again this year and end up in the playoffs.
Final Score: Notre Dame 35, USC 17
- Holy Cross (2-3) at Fordham (5-1): LaGuardia is a bus station with wings. The Worcester Regional Airport is a wonder of design, comfort, and convenience. New York’s Central Park is boring. Worcester’s Elm Park is the most beautiful park in America. Get your money out of Gotham while you still can. Invest in Worcester.
Final Score: Holy Cross 22, Fordham 21
Questions? Comments? Prayers of Thanksgiving? Hit me up on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor.