clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Clayton Picks All the Games Correctly: Week 5: The J. Paul Getty Edition

Jazzers paid by J. Paul Getty II.

David Kohl-USA TODAY Sports

Another win for the Bearcats. Another winning week for the Miss Cleo of College Football.

Last Week: 12-4

Season to Date: 37-27

Our Game

South Florida (3-1) at Cincinnati (3-1): The name of the game is revenge for the Bearcats this week.  UC’s defense-free 65-27 defeat at the hands of South Florida last November was arguably the team’s most embarrassing loss of the 2015 season, non-Hawaii Bowl division. This will be pretty much the opposite of last year’s game. We will have the whip-hand this time. We will have the 65 points. We will have the home field advantage.  We will have a September 1989 copy of Ranger Rick magazine and it will read "some mushrooms glow at night with an eerie green light. In North America, some of them are called jack-o-lantern mushrooms. But those ‘pumpkins’ are poisonous."

Final Score: Cincinnati 65 South Florida 27

The Rest of the AAC

UCF (2-2) at East Carolina (2-2): EVERY TIME I GO TO GREENVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA I SEE ALL OF THESE JAZZERS RUNNING AROUND AND I BELIEVE THAT THESE JAZZERS EAT A GREAT DEAL OF TURTLE MEAT AND THAT THEY ARE PAID BY J. PAUL GETTY AND J. PAUL GETTY II. AND APPLEBEE’S STU IS LARGELY UNINVOLVED IN ALL OF THIS.

Final Score: East Carolina 35 UCF 23

SMU (2-2) at Temple (2-2): A map to a hidden treasure taken from a Spanish mission is recovered by a young boy, who takes it to the local priest. That young boy is none other than Temple Head Football Coach Matt Rhule. His co-stars in the picture include June Lockhart, as his love interest; Lassie, as his dog and introducing SMU Head Coach Chad Morris, as his father.

Final Score: SMU 42 Temple 22

Navy (3-0) at Air Force (3-0): "More like the ‘chair force’ if you ask me," – Every guy in the other branches of our armed forces.

Final Score: Navy 45 Air Force 31

Tulane (2-2) at UMass (1-3): Miss Cleo’s top five home remedies for Gingivitis: 1) change your toothbrush 2) eat more Vitamin C 3) witch hazel 4) stay out of the sun 5) wear a ballcap when you go outside

Final Score: Tulane 17 UMass 10

Memphis (3-0) at Ole Miss (2-2): A western town gains a new sheriff with a dark past and a hidden agenda. It turns out the new sheriff is really a former bandit pretending to reform his ways. That sheriff goes by the name of Chad Kelly and he had a bit part in the overrated Netflix documentary series Last Chance U.

Final Score: Memphis 38 Ole Miss 35 UPSET OF THE WEEK

The Rest of the Country

No. 7 Stanford (3-0) at No. 10 Washington (4-0): This is the week that Washington starts proving me right. In my season preview, I called it the most overrated team in the country. It has eight more chances to make me look smart. I’m hoping that the Huskies finally figure things out and start losing this Friday night.

Final Score: Stanford 31 Washington 17

No. 11 Tennessee (4-0) at No. 25 Georgia (3-1): What a dangerous game for the Volunteers. They are coming off a triumphant win in a rivalry game while Georgia is coming off a strikingly embarrassing defeat. Georgia is going to wake up and show some pride this week. It will hand Tennessee its only loss of the regular season.

Final Score: Georgia 35 Tennessee 31

No. 8 Wisconsin (4-0) at No. 4 Michigan (4-0): "Now he’s up there in Alaska, digging in the cold, cold ground/the greedy fool is looking for the gold I never found/It serves him right and no one here is missing him/least of all the newlyweds in Saginaw, Michigan."- Jim Harbaugh, singing in close harmony with me at Elks Club Local 714 Karaoke last Friday night.

Final Score: Wisconsin 17 Michigan 13

No. 3 Louisville (4-0) at No. 5 Clemson (4-0): Great College Football nickname: Lester "Rubber Duck" Brown, Clemson running back, 1976-1979. Not great enough by itself to beat Lamar Jackson and an irresistible Louisville Cardinals team.

Final Score: Lamar Jackson 42 Clemson 31

As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, look me up on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor