Football season’s half over. Or maybe it’s over. Depends who you ask on the Bearcat blogosphere. All I know is we aren’t playing this week.
Things are looking up though. I see Coach Tuberville pulling a few tricks out of his leopard skin pillbox hat and figuring us a way out of this rut. Figuring a way to get us Bearcats back to the Promised Land. I think Cincinnati is going to end up 9-3 and in a well-heeled bowl game.
Time will tell. It isn’t too early to start thinking about basketball though. Our man Phil has put together (and will continue to add to) a coterie of outstanding articles previewing the Bearcats’ 2016-2017 basketball season. I have high hopes for Mick and company. Go read about them. Then come right back here and read about who’s going to win all the big and not-so-big football games this weekend.
Last Week: 8-8
Season to Date: 54-42
Bye Week. The Same Old Song but with a different meaning since you’ve been gone.
The Rest of the AAC
Memphis (4-1) at Tulane (3-2): Last summer, Willie Fritz won a doggy dance off against Paxton Lynch in the parking lot of Northfield, Ohio’s Hard Rock Rocksino. Lynch, who can lean down and lick Vlade Divac’s pompadour, is too tall to “Begin the Beguine” with his Welsh Corgi Trevor. Fritz is too short to ride on roller coasters. That makes him just the right height for some strictly ballroom with his Afghan Hound.
Final Score: Tulane 38 Memphis 37
UConn (3-3) at USF (5-1): Bob Diaco is to the prom what The Honky Tonk Man is to wrestling shoot interviews. The Honky Tonk Man gives the best shoot interviews of anyone in the wrestling business. But you must have assumed that. Because Bob Diaco is as handsome as Tulsa coach Philip Montgomery is not.
Final Score: USF 45 UConn 10
Tulsa (4-1) at Houston (5-1): Did you know that when some British guys introduced tennis in Brazil they tried to market it as “Rio Cricket”? I guarantee you that Montgomery doesn’t know that either. And knowledge is power. And that is why Houston is going to beat the Inland Hurricanes six ways to Sunday.
Final Score: Houston 100 Tulsa 0
Temple (3-3) at UCF (3-2): Man oh Man does Matt Rhule get some bad dry scalp. Here are Miss Cleo’s top five home remedies for dry scalp: 1) put mayonnaise in your hair for 20 minutes and rinse it out 2) don’t swim without a cap 3) wear a ballcap when you mow the lawn 4) get regular trims for your hair 5) use conditioner.
Final Score: UCF 13 Temple 10
The Rest of the Country
No. 10 Nebraska (5-0) at Indiana (3-2): My all-time favorite mascot name change is Nebraska going from the Bugeaters to the Cornhuskers in 1900.
Final Score: Nebraska 35 Indiana 10
Kent State (2-4) at Miami Ohio (0-6): Kent State punter Tony DeLeone (1981-1984) holds the record for most consecutive punts without having one blocked: 300.
Final Score: Kent State 38 Miami 24
Minnesota (3-2) at Maryland (4-1): Did you know that Maryland native and Baseball Hall of Famer Lefty Grove is directly descended from Betsy Ross? I bet Maryland football coach D.J. Durkin didn’t know that either. And that is why my Golden Gophers are going to bring a Mesabi Iron Range-style beatdown with them to College Park.
Final Score: Minnesota 35 Maryland 28
NC State (4-1) at No. 3 Clemson (6-0): Former Clemson defensive tackle Arthur Bussie has my favorite belly button of all time. Bussie is to belly buttons what Steve Winwood’s “Don’t You Know What the Night Can Do?” is to Michelob.
Final Score: Clemson 56 NC State 10
USC (3-3) at Arizona (2-4): University of Arizona alumnus Ed Vosberg is the only left-handed pitcher to ever play in the Little League World Series (representing Tucson, Arizona, 1973), the College World Series (The University of Arizona, 1980) and the Major League Baseball World Series (Florida Marlins, 1997).
Final Score: Arizona 35 USC 31
No. 1 Alabama (6-0) at No. 9 Tennessee (5-1): Dudes still get together to play guitar but they don't get together to sing and harmonize anymore. The cultural dominance of rock had the unfortunate consequence of killing off men gathering to sing as a popular pastime. When guys gather with guitars, it turns into a beauty pageant of noodlers. When men gather to sing, there is certainly some showing off, but the fellas need to work together to harmonize. Not everyone has to be a great singer, but they have to work together. Fellas, let’s all start singing some simple songs together.
Final Score: Tennessee 24 Alabama 21
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, look me up on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor