Northwestern University’s Fred “The Hammer” Williamson has the greatest college football nickname of all time. I think this because he is in my favorite movie by a guy with a great nickname who also played college football: Three The Hard Way. (And that includes all movies by “The Duke”).
In this week’s “Clayton Picks All the Games Correctly,” I will sprinkle my prognostications with some of my favorite college football nicknames of all time.
Is this a lazy gimmick that will enable me to bang out my column quickly? Sure. But the Bearcats’ performance last week was a little on the lazy side too. I am a product of my environment.
Last Week: 9-7
Season to Date: 46-34
Cincinnati (3-2) at UConn (2-3): Yes, they have a handsomer coach. We have a better coach though. A coach who is going to turn the beat around because he loves to hear percussion. Tommy Tuberville is going to be the AAC coach of the year. And it begins right here.
Final Score: Cincinnati 24 UConn 21
The Rest of the AAC
Temple (3-2) at Memphis (3-1): Boy how does Temple coach Matt Rhule keep everybody up with his snoring! Here are Miss Cleo’s top five home remedies for snoring: 1) go low carb 2) change your toothbrush 3) eat a bunch of baguettes and call my cousin Reggie at 917-445-3321 and tell him you want to borrow all of his WCW VHS tapes this weekend. 4) travel at night 5) stretch those calves out and chew on them bunions.
Final Score: Memphis 38 Temple 31
Tulane (3-2) at UCF (3-2): Scott Frost sure has a stressful job trying to rebuild that UCF football program. Here are Miss Cleo’s top five home remedies for stress: 1) change your toothbrush 2) get some shinsplints 3) witch hazel 4) stay in-doors 5) do some wrestling out back with your little brother
Final Score: Tulane 27 UCF 10
SMU (2-3) at Tulsa (3-1): Boy how does SMU coach Chad Morris love penguins. Did you know that a penguin’s feathers are more densely packed than any other bird, with about 70 tiny, flat feathers per square inch?
Final Score: SMU 56 Tulsa 0
East Carolina (2-3) at USF (4-1): Man oh Man, did USF head coach Willie Taggart get the worst case of side stitches when he watched the tape from last Saturday’s Cincinnati game. That was some joke the Bearcats pulled calling those eleven guys they stuck out there a defense. Here are Miss Cleo’s top five home remedies for side stitches: 1) change your toothbrush 2) lie down for 8 minutes 3) do some wrestling out back with your little brother 4) massage your diaphragm 5) witch hazel.
Final Score: USF 38 ECU 20
No. 6 Houston (5-0) at Navy (3-2): Man oh Man, does Houston coach Tom Herman love mushroom omelets for breakfast. Did you know that people have grown mushrooms to sell for over 407 years? They used to grow them in cool, dark, damp places such as the ship on the cover of the Loggins and Messina album Full Sail. Now, they use buildings. The mushrooms grow in huge trays of special material.
Final Score: Houston 45 Navy 35
The Rest of the Country
Texas Tech (3-1) at Kansas State (2-2): My least favorite mascot name change is Texas Tech going from the Matadors to the Red Raiders in 1937. Matadors was a great name.
Final Score: Kansas State 10 Texas Tech 7
UCLA (3-2) at Arizona State (4-1): Arizona State holds the all-time record for most yards penalized in one game: 238 vs. Texas Western (now UTEP) on November 11, 1961.
Final Score: UCLA 45 Arizona State 38
No. 9 Tennessee (5-0) at No. 8 Texas A&M (5-0): Great College Football nickname: George “Winnebago” Woodard, Texas A&M running back, 1975-1977, 1979
Final Score: Tennessee 42 Texas A&M 20
Army (3-1) at Duke (2-3): Two Great College Football nicknames that beat Army’s “Mr. Inside” and “Mr. Outside”: Ed “Country” Meadows: Duke offensive tackle, 1952-1953 & Worth “A Million” Lutz, Duke quarterback/running back, 1951-1954.
Final Score: Duke 38 Army 17
Iowa State (1-3) at Oklahoma State (3-2): Great College Football nickname: Bob “The Blonde Blizz” Fenimore, Oklahoma State halfback, 1943-1946.
Final Score: Oklahoma State 43 Iowa State 24
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, look me up on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor