Not my best week. Not our best week. But I’ll bounce back and so will the Bearcats.
Last Week: 6-10
Season to Date: 92-68
Cincinnati (4-5) at UCF (5-4):
7 p.m. Last Saturday night. The Richard E. Lindner Center.
Tommy Tuberville: Did you know that Kate Middleton’s grandmother worked as a code-breaker during World War II?
Mike Bohn: No, but I read that Claudia Wells won the role of Marty McFly’s girlfriend, Jennifer Parker, the day she graduated from high school.
TT: Of course I know that. I read that in Closer magazine, which is available on newsstands for a mere $3.99. Claudia says that Michael J. Fox was a great kisser.
MB: I know that from first-hand experience. Alex P. Keaton and I smooched between scenes during the filming of Bright Lights, Big City. I was his stunt-man.
TT: Yeah, well, Scandal star Kerry Washington and Nnamdi Asomugha are pregnant again.
MB: Dudes aren’t pregnant, Tee. Saying that dudes are pregnant cheapens the miracle of life and stuff.
TT: You’re right. Let’s find an internet café.
MB: It’s got to be a new place. That Starbucks on Vine Street don’t let us arm wrestle no more.
TT: I am going to go back there. It don’t matter to me what some barista has to say about us locking wrists.
MB: I do. I plan to be around these parts for a while, son.
TT: Go to Hell! Get a Job! Get a Job!
Final Score: Cincinnati 35 UCF 34
The Rest of the AAC
SMU (4-5) at East Carolina (3-6): I like the 2015 SMU workout hype video more than I like most things. It is called “Don’t Get Tired.” It features prodigious banging and clanging, abundant sweat equity, cone drills and some growling MC who spouts some nursery rhyme nonsense about getting paid or popping bottles or some other potential NCAA violation. It is not dissimilar to another highly inspirational hype video SMU released earlier that year called “Put in Work.” That video plays like the montage from Rocky II where Sylvester Stallone chases the chicken around the alleyways near Mickey’s gym in Philadelphia. Again, though, the accompanying music leaves much to be desired. Instead of DeEtta Little’s “Gonna Fly Now” we hear more 2015 Tin Pan Alley grimble-grumble-humble-stumble. Singing reminiscent of Yukon Cornelius’ lines in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Actually, Burl Ives’ “Silver and Gold” would have made good background music in either video. The workout scenes in both the “Don’t Get Tired” and “Put in Work” videos are impressive. The best parts of both videos are when we hear from Chad Morris, who is the kind of coach that makes a young man want to run through a brick wall. This man is going to make these young Mustangs believe in themselves. Moreover, I think juxtaposing “Baby It’s Cold Outside” with their workouts would also have made a good video. These guys reenacting the most cinematic scenes in Pain and Gain to a Christmas song would have been most entertaining.
Final Score: SMU 41 East Carolina 20
Tulsa (7-2) at 21 Navy (6-2): Reese Witherspoon took her son to Disneyland recently. Closer quotes her as saying “I spend a lot of time with the kids.” Very impressive indeed. Especially when you consider the fact that she is “the kids’” mother.
Final Score: Navy 34 Tulsa 33
Tulane (3-6) at Houston (7-2): In a photo spread entitled “Then and Now,” Closer magazine reports that Danny DeVito has gotten older over the years.
Final Score: Houston 41 Tulane 27
USF (7-2) at Memphis (6-3): Closer magazine reports that Julianne Moore enjoys ice cream.
Final Score: Memphis 42 USF 24
The Rest of the Country
Mississippi State (4-5) at No. 1 Alabama (9-0): Nick Saban has a lot of pennies in a Bart Simpson mug that sits on his kitchen counter. Here are Miss Cleo’s top five uses for all of those pennies: 1) scrape the enamel off of your teeth, 2) make a table more stable, 3) use it as an impromptu screwdriver, 4) a quick snack, 5) as legal tender, for all debts public and private.
Final Score: Alabama 50 Mississippi State 12
Minnesota (7-2) at No. 21 Nebraska (7-2): Goldie Gopher is not a morning person at all. Here are Miss Cleo’s top five home remedies for becoming a morning person: 1) change your toothbrush, 2) don’t hit snooze when your alarm rings, 3) stretch fully before you get out of bed, it loosens those joints and invigorates you for a productive morning, 4) as soon as you get up, open the shades, 5) before breakfast, head outside for a walk.
Final Score: Minnesota 24 Nebraska 21
USC (6-3) at No. 4 Washington (9-0): The proudest day of Bobby Flay’s life was January 23, 2014, when he found out that his daughter had been accepted to USC. Bobby Flay dropped out of high school at 16 and had always wanted his daughter to get a high quality education. Flay’s daughter is now a journalism major in her junior year.
Final Score: Washington 27 USC 10
Vanderbilt (4-5) at Missouri (2-7): Speaking of Vanderbilt, Nashville power couple Faith Hill and Tim McGraw didn’t celebrate their 20th anniversary at a swanky restaurant. Instead, they stayed home and Tim made chicken and biscuits, a family favorite. Things are looking up for the McGraws these days, but, not so long ago, their lives were at a turning point. Tim’s rowdy nights drinking with his buddies in the barn on their property would last until all hours of the morning, a source close to Closer magazine reports. “I partied too much,” Tim admits “and did other things too much. No needles or that kind of stuff, but use your imagination.” Sometimes his hell-raising would spill over into Nashville nightclubs too. The barn on their property just wasn’t big enough for Tim and his boys to party. But those days are past now and in the past they must remain, “Flower of Scotland” reports to Closer magazine.
Final Score: Vanderbilt 21 Mizzou 17
Texas Tech (4-5) at No. 17 Oklahoma State (7-2): Last week, I sang the praises of my 6th Oklahoma State Cowboy Mt. Rushmorean Mike Sheets. This week brings a 7th head to the OSU Cowboys Mt. Rushmore. This week, I bring you former Boston Red Sox infielder Jerry Adair, a key contributor to the Sox’s 1967 Impossible Dream team. In 1958, Adair led the Cowboys in doubles and triples. I have named him retroactively to my All Big-Eight, All-Handsome Baseball Team for the 1958 season. The late, great Jerry Adair bore a striking resemblance to Keifer Sutherland.
Final Score: Oklahoma State 52 Texas Tech 10
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, look me up on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor