clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Clayton Picks All the Games Correctly: Bowl Game Edition (Part I)

A hot tub full of alka seltzer.

NBC Primetime Preview 2006-2007 At Radio City Music Hall Photo by Evan Agostini/Getty Images

Merry Christmas. I am going to make you enough money this week to buy some platinum plated stocking stuffers.

Last Week: 1-0

Season to Date: 119-90

Gildan New Mexico Bowl: New Mexico (8-4) at Texas San-Antonio (6-6)

It’s been a while since I’ve watched Friday Night Lights, but isn’t Texas San-Antonio the name of the school that Tim Riggins attended briefly after graduating from Ridgemont High? Tim’s still got four years of eligibility left, as far as I can tell. Either way, I don’t think they can get him eligible in time for the bowl game. Moreover, New Mexico coach Bob Davie is just as handsome as John Carter.

Final Score: New Mexico 34 Texas San-Antonio 17

Las Vegas Bowl: Houston (9-3) vs. San Diego State (10-3)

By mid-1862, McClellan was convinced that only he could lead the Army of the Potomac to victory. He had the confidence of the soldiers and had drilled them into a professional fighting force really for the first since the war began. But at the same time, he also convinced himself that the Lincoln administration had no clue what it was doing and was attempting to undermine his efforts. He famously referred to Lincoln as a ‘rascal’ and ignored a personal call from Lincoln when the president visited his home. All the while, McClellan insisted that he was fighting with one hand tied behind his back and needed more men and supplies to defeat an enemy that vastly outnumbered him”- Lane Kiffin’s response to the question “Why do you want to coach at the University of Houston?” during his December 6th, 2016 interview for the coaching vacancy.

Final Score: Houston 47 San Diego State 45

Camellia Bowl: Appalachian State (9-3) vs. Toledo (9-3)

“To whomever thinks he is the king, the prince or whatever of hip-hop, M.C. Hammer is in effect and will take all titles one at a time or all at once” – M.C. Hammer, liner notes of Feel My Power, his 1988 debut album.

Final Score: Toledo 38 Appalachian State 31

Cure Bowl: UCF (6-6) vs. Arkansas State (7-5)

The 1988 birth of Billy Idol’s son greatly affected his songwriting. “In the past, I’ve always wanted to sing about hurt rather than love. I’m not like that all the time anymore. And my music is changing as I am,” he told People Magazine in 1989.

Final Score: UCF 35 Arkansas State 31

New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss (6-6) vs. Louisiana-Lafayette (6-6)

Gurgling analog synthesizers. Beatbox grooves. A few skits. And a hot tub full of alka seltzer. Sounds like a typical Saturday night in Lafayette, Louisiana.

Final Score: Southern Miss 24 Louisiana-Lafayette 21

Miami Beach Bowl: Central Michigan (6-6) vs. Tulsa (9-3)

I am more a Mount Pleasant, Michigan kind of guy than a Tulsa, Oklahoma kind of guy. I was born in a small town. My band is in a small town. My job is in a small town, where there’s little opportunity. Hey! (adjust my knee pads).

Final Score: Central Michigan 49 Tulsa 0

Boca Raton Bowl: Memphis (8-4) vs. Western Kentucky (10-3)

If there’s one thing that the people in Tennessee and Kentucky can agree on, it’s that the best Sidney Poitier-directed, Bill Cosby-starring film is 1974’s Uptown Saturday Night.

Final Score: Memphis 34 Western Kentucky 20

Poinsettia Bowl: BYU (8-4) vs. Wyoming (8-5)

Cincinnati Reds legend and Casper, Wyoming native Tom Browning is a big Wyoming Cowboys fan. He collects Nintendo games, or at least he did in 1991 when he spoke to the editors of the Cincinnati Reds’ yearbook. I collect Nintendo games too. Actually, I collect Nintendo game. I am hording copies of Blades of Steel in hopes that it has a Tecmo Super Bowl style renaissance. I plan to dominate the future of Blades of Steel since I have a corner on the market. Also, I think microbrews are stupid and I think Special K with the dried berries is awesome.

Final Score: Wyoming 51 BYU 49

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Idaho (8-4) vs. Colorado State (7-5)

Everyone in Idaho knows that Milton Berle was not paid to appear in Ratt’s “Round and Round” video. His nephew directed the video.

Final Score: Idaho 43 Colorado State 30

Bahamas Bowl: Eastern Michigan (7-5) vs. Old Dominion (9-3)

Old Dominion Peanut Brittle is a far piece better than Ypsilanti Peanut Brittle” – Julie Newmar, as Catwoman at the 1977 Iowa State Fair, as she prepared to be shot out of a cannon during her seven-year tenure as the opening act for Gallagher Too.

Final Score: Eastern Michigan 22 Old Dominion 21

Armed Forces Bowl: Louisiana Tech (8-5) vs. No. 25 Navy (10-3)

The Jerry Reed Thanksgiving Invitational Soccer Tournament attracts teams from throughout the world. Several teams from Ruston, Louisiana have competed in the tournament. Soccer teams from Annapolis, Maryland are too la-di-da for the Snowman’s soccer tournament.

Final Score: Navy 34 Louisiana Tech 27

Dollar General Bowl: Ohio (8-5) vs. Troy (9-3)

The people in Athens, Ohio like to think of their town as the adopted hometown of Eddy Arnold, “The Ambassador of Country Music.” Eddy Arnold has sure had a lot of chart hits. Several of them are available on a compilation called Several of Eddy Arnold’s Chart Hits, coming soon to the CD/DVD bin near Register 3 at the Wooster, Ohio Dollar General, once Glenn gets off his smoke break and finally gets something accomplished this morning.

Final Score: Ohio 31 Troy 27

Hawaii Bowl: Hawaii (6-7) vs. Middle Tennessee State (8-4)

Hypothetically speaking, the athletic department at Middle Tennessee State University is very helpful when you are co-editing a book for the Society for American Baseball Research about winners of the Tony Conigliaro Award and you are in need of a courtesy photo of former MTSU standout and Tampa Bay Devil Ray pitcher Dewon Brazleton.

Final Score: Middle Tennesee State 56 Hawaii 0

As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, look me up on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor