With his shriveled countenance masking a thousand secrets, Kliff Kingsbury is a hood extraordinaire, a top notch saboteur who puts his fingers directly in the pickle jar. Thus, the pickles all taste like his fingers.
Last Week: 10-6
Season to Date: 118-90
MAC Championship Game: Western Michigan (12-0) vs. Ohio (8-4) (Ford Field, Detroit)
“One good thing about music, when it hits, you feel no pain”- was an inspirational quote attributed to Bob Marley in the issue of Reader’s Digest I read at my dentist’s office last week. This wins the award for the most asinine thing that has ever been said by anyone.
Final Score: Western Michigan 32 Ohio 29
AAC Championship Game: Temple (9-3) at Navy (9-3) (Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium, Annapolis, Maryland)
Closer gives us a history lesson in photograph form this month. Closer reports that in 1928 Buster Keaton sat next to a dog. Closer also reports that the distraction of the upcoming Army-Navy game will cause the Academy to lose focus in their preparations this week. Temple will come away with the win.
Final Score: Temple 35 Navy 28
SEC Championship Game: Florida (Thrice Defeated) vs. Alabama (Undefeated) (Georgia Dome, Atlanta)
When I was growing up, there were two kinds of guys in my neighborhood. When I say guys, I mean men over the age of thirty. Anybody younger than that was a kid. As I was saying, two kinds of guys in my neighborhood: guys who liked the country station and guys who liked the Classic Rock station. The country guys liked trucks a little bit too tall for their French Canadian blood. The classic rockers always went with the fastest red car that GMAC would finance for them. Country guys addressed you as “son.” Classic Rockers called you “brother,” Hulk Hogan style. Country guys got really into the goatee. Classic Rockers stuck with the mustache. Country guys wear their sunglasses over the visor of their duck-billed ball caps. Classic Rockers don’t need a hat. The chicks dig their locks. In spite of all their differences, Country guys and Classic Rockers agreed on one thing. They agreed that rap sucks and it’s not real music. The kids these days, they told me, they don’t know about any real bands. The country guys would then go off about all the great stuff out there these days: Brooks-n-Dunn, Garth Brooks, George Strait and Alabama. The Classic Rock guy would say they don’t make good music no more. You gotta hold on tight to the classics like ELO, BTO and Boston. I can’t disagree with either groups of guys on much of anything.
Final Score: Alabama 35 Florida 17
ACC Championship Game: Clemson (11-1) vs. Virginia Tech (9-3) (Camping World Stadium, No Idea Where It Is)
I went to the South Carolina-Clemson game last week. I was the guy holding the “FIRE DABO SWINNEY” sign.
Final Score: Virginia Tech 22 Clemson 18
Mountain West Championship Game: San Diego State (8-4) vs. Wyoming (8-4) (Behind the Olive Garden in Cody, Wyoming)
I enjoy soaking my feet in hot water after a long walk. I add a little Splenda to the water to give the skin on my footsies that healthy sheen. I enjoy watching Mountain West football. I plan to do both of these things next weekend. Unless of course the Mountain West game is on at the same time as an important game.
Final Score: Wyoming 35 San Diego State 22
Pac-12 Championship Game: Washington (11-1) vs. Colorado (10-2) (The Jed Yorkatorium, Santa Clara, California)
If you want to go for the best escalator ride of your life, head to the Northgate Mall in Seattle. This place is four levels high. When I’m in Seattle, I ride the escalators at Northgate like Woody Guthrie rode the rails during the Depression.
Final Score: Washington 38 Colorado 10
Big Ten Championship Game: Wisconsin (10-2) vs. Penn State (10-2) (Applebee’s Parking Lot, Across from the Outlet Furniture Store, Eau Claire, Wisconsin)
Too bad that Lucas Oil Field bumped the Big Ten Title Game for the Central Indiana Scrabble Tournament. I think they will miss out on an awfully good game.
Final Score: Wisconsin 13 Penn State 10
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, look me up on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor