clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Clayton Picks the Ponies: The Miss Cleo of College Football's Guide to the Kentucky Derby

All you need to know for Saturday's "Run for the Roses." @ClaytonTrutor

Jamie Rhodes-USA TODAY Sports

There's one thing I like better than College Football. Actually, that's not true.

There are four things I hold dearer than College Football: God, County, Family and the recorded work of one Hiram King Williams.

I am a big fan of the ponies though. And there aren't many things nicer than that first Saturday in May at Churchill Downs in lovely Louisville, Kentucky.

Being a clairvoyant prognosticator, I figured it was my duty to tell you all who will win, place and show on Saturday.

WIN: My Man Sam. Trained by Chad Brown and jockeyed by Irad Ortiz Jr., My Man Sam loves carrots and salt-licks. He is awfully fond of apples and the voice of Dave Johnson. Insiders tell me that My Man Sam is a shoo-in to win because of his resemblance to two-time Super Bowl winning quarterback John Elway and his recent marriage into the McMahon family.

PLACE: Gun Runner. Owned by former Million-Dollar Champion Virgil, this horse is unique among Derby participants because of his ability to talk. In 2015, he ranked seventh on's annual list of "best narrators." His work on Mike Lupica's novel The Batboy and Sammy Hagar's memoir Red received particular critical and popular acclaim.

SHOW: Nyquist. Nyquist is owned, trained and jockeyed by that German wide-receiver the Vikings picked on the third day of the draft. The folks at Scouts, Inc. are planning to direct a 30 for 30 based on Nyquist's preparations for the Derby. Beginning on January 1st, the German wide receiver would wake Nyquist up at five every morning, make him a pancake breakfast, force him to watch Good Morning Bavaria and then take him on a dreaded 782 mile "Iron Curtain" run, stretching from Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic. The German wide receiver modeled Nyquist's training regimen on Jerry Rice's famous off-season workouts.

As always, this is a parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on twitter: @claytontrutor