You’re welcome. I may have gotten the Washington State one wrong, but
Week 1 Record : 10-6
Season to date: 10-6
Week 2 Picks:
Cincinnati (1-0) vs. Purdue (1-0): Neither team looked especially strong last week. But the Boilermakers have more to worry about than the Bearcats. Purdue made Eastern Kentucky’s passing and running games look All-American in the first half. If they give the Bearcats those same opportunities, Hayden Moore, Tion Green, and company will hammer the Boilermakers. And I say that they will.
Final Score: Cincinnati 49 Purdue 28
The Rest of the AAC:
NC State (1-0) at East Carolina (1-0): Applebee’s Stu is not your typical rough and tumble bounty hunter of the Old West. He is a consummate gentleman, a man of letters, and a concert pianist who always gives half of his reward money to charity. A man of few words, Applebee’s Stu lets his "mare’s leg," an 1892 Winchester, do most of his talking on the streets of Tombstone as he takes on bandits, sets corrupt federales straight, and battles rival bounty hunters.
Final Score: NC State 32 East Carolina 10
UCF (1-0) at Michigan (1-0): When I think of UCF football, I think of the hard-edged honky tonk vocals of Carl Butler on the 1962 country smash hit "Don’t Let Me Cross Over," as they are bathed in the high harmonies of his wife, Pearl.
Final Score: Michigan 44 UCF 13
Lamar (0-1) at Houston (1-0): One team lost to Coastal Carolina by 24. The other team beat Oklahoma by 10. One man come here to justify. One man to overthrow.
Final Score: Houston 67 Lamar 3
Stony Brook (1-0) at Temple (0-1): Temple averaged four and a half minutes per scoring drive in 2015. I prefer spending my next four and a half minutes in Rosa’s Cantina listening to Marty Robbins’
Final Score: Temple 31 Stony Brook 3
Tulsa (1-0) at Ohio State (1-0): Tulsa (1976) and North Texas (1971) share the record for most turnovers in one season: 61. My sources in the sky tell me that Tulsa will best that single-season record on Saturday in Columbus.
Final Score: Ohio State 77 Tulsa 10
SMU (1-0) at Baylor (1-0): Courtland Sutton and Matt Davis are going to lay the smackdown on the stable of J-Brones they’ve got going in Waco. SMU is the Four Horseman. Baylor is the Social Outcasts.
Final Score: SMU 49 Baylor 42 UPSET OF THE WEEK
UConn (1-0) at Navy (1-0): Speaking of handsome, here are Miss Cleo’s top five home remedies for cold sores: 1) witch hazel 2) stay out of the sun 3) put some ice right on the sore 4) change your tooth brush 5) cover the sore in petroleum jelly.
Final Score: Navy 38 UConn 17
Northern Illinois (0-1) at South Florida (1-0): In Italy, Santa Claus is known as Babbo Natale.
Final Score: Northern Illinois 33 South Florida 27
Southern (0-1) at Tulane (0-1): I watch the Bayou Classic every year with my momma. Grambling’s got a great band, but Southern has a greater one. Regardless, Tulane’s football team has a little more under the hood than Southern.
Final Score: Tulane 35 Southern 10
The Rest of the Country:
Utah State (1-0) at USC (0-1): Shasta is from California. And so is USC. Dear Shasta, please bring back the following flavors: Bubble Gum, Diet Kiwi Strawberry, Red Apple Soda, Tiki Blue, and Peach-Bologna-Mango.
Final Score: USC 47 Utah State 24
Jacksonville State (1-0) at LSU (0-1): Les Miles and I agree: the main problem with the movie Patton is that there aren’t enough love scenes involving Karl Malden.
Final Score: LSU 56 Jacksonville State 7
Virginia Tech (1-0) vs. Tennessee (1-0) (Bristol Motor Speedway, Bristol, TN): There are supposed to be 2.5 million people at this game. I would be that excited as well if I got to see the 2016 College Football National Champion Tennessee Volunteers in person. Aside from all the excitement, it’s going to take a lot of food to feed all of these people. I am going to do my part: here is my recipe for Chicken Marengo. Vols Fans: I just coat some sliced boneless chicken breasts with a mixture of flour, salt, and pepper. Then I brown it in Wesson Oil in an iron skillet. I add some garlic. Then I dissolve a bullion cube in hot water and throw it in the skillet along with some mushrooms, parmesan cheese, toenails, and some Hunt’s tomato sauce. I cover and simmer for 35 minutes and then I eat some supper, right out of that iron skillet. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Final Score: Tennessee 35 Virginia Tech 21
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, look me up on twitter: