Clayton Picks All the Games Correctly: Week 7- The Axl Rose Serpentine Dance Edition

I may have blown it on the Southern Mississippi game last weekend (Congratulations to the Golden Eagle faithful on their big win), but I blew you all away with my prognosticating brilliance for the rest of the weekend.

I am the Mike Todd to your collective Elizabeth Taylor.

Last Week: 12-5

Season to Date: 69-33

Our Game:

Cincinnati (2-4) at #18 South Florida (5-0):

A great way to get around in Tampa is their free in-town trolley, which runs every 15 minutes from downtown all the way out to Harbour Island. You can hook up with the downtown hotels, Curtis Hixon Park, the Riverwalk, the Ellenton Premium Outlets, the Tampa Convention Center, and all the restaurants and attractions on Harbour Island with this convenient service.

Tampa’s in-town trolley takes you right by the J.C. Newman Cigar Company, the oldest family owned cigar company in the world and the last operating cigar factory in the Cigar City district. They produce such brands as Maximus, Diamond Crown, Cuesta Ray, and El Baton.

If you like railroads, then the Robert W. Willaford Railroad Museum in Plant City is full of stuff you’ll enjoy standing near. Their collection includes a Seaboard Air line number 5735 caboose. I have no idea what that is but it sure sounds impressive.

Final Score: Cincinnati 35 South Florida 34

The Rest of the AAC:

UConn (1-4) at Temple (3-3): More than 400 songs have been written and dedicated to curling, and it frequently has been praised in the pulpits as a “splendid sport for man to indulge in.” None of these songs were written in Philadelphia. Most Philadelphians regard curling rinks as a waste of “wooder ice.”

Final Score: Temple 49 UConn 0

Navy (5-0) at Memphis (4-1):

My three favorite passages from Gillette’s Encyclopedia of Sports (1953)

Dugout canoes, crude in form and workmanship but nevertheless actual manmade artifacts, have been ascribed upon good evidence to the Stone Age.

The idea of a self-propelled vehicle on wheels intrigued mankind through many centuries, but it did not take definite form until 1690, when a two-wheeled contrivance made its appearance on the streets of Paris.

Among the world’s least publicized athletes are the gymnasts. They execute, in a single evening, acts of greater daring and perform more physical feats than baseballers, gridders, and cagers do in an entire season.

Final Score: Navy 38 Memphis 37

Houston (4-1) at Tulsa (1-5): Remember who said on the Scott and Holman Pawdcast that Tulsa wasn’t going to go bowling this year? That prediction is looking pretty good, isn’t it?

Final Score: Houston 48 Tulsa 17

East Carolina (1-5) at #22 UCF (4-0): I know nothing about either of these teams. What I do know about is billiards. Billiards was derived from lawn bowling. The lawn bowlers of a rather ancient period were depressed when the inclement weather deprived them of the pleasure of play. Neither school has a great lawn bowling tradition, but UCF has an on-campus bowling alley called “Wild Knights” and ECU doesn’t.

Final Score: UCF 39 ECU 22

Tulane (3-2) at Florida International (3-2): SPECTRE's expert planner Kronsteen devises a plot to steal a Lektor cryptographic device from the Soviets and sell it back to them while exacting revenge on Willie Fritz for zerberting their agent. Ex-SMERSH operation leader Butch Davis is in charge of the mission. He recruits Lane Kiffin to be his Bunco man and Tatiana Romanova, a cipher clerk at the Soviet consulate in Istanbul, as the unwitting bait.

Final Score: Tulane 38 Florida International 28

The Rest of the Country:

Old Dominion (2-3) at Marshall (4-1): According to David Halberstam, Old Dominion alum and Portland Trail Blazers supersub David Twardzik was the last man in America to sport a crew cut during the 1970s. Twardzik held out one month longer than H.R. Haldeman, who grew a Keith Richards shag and a louche little moustache to celebrate the spirit of ’76.

Final Score: Marshall 71 Old Dominion 30

#9 Ohio State (5-1) at Nebraska (3-3): The only way that the Nebraska defense is going to stop J.K Dobbins and the Buckeyes rushing attack this week is if D-coordinator Bob Diaco distracts Ohio State’s line by doing an Axl Rose serpentine dance on the sideline.

Final Score: Ohio State 48 Nebraska 20

#10 Auburn at LSU (4-2): The Bayou Bengals will win for dearly departed Tigers and NFL legend Y.A. Tittle, whom I referred to as “Yeah Tidal” when I was a kid.

Final Score: LSU 16 Auburn 13

As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor