Doublemint is just too much mint for me. I need to break one stick of it into two so that I can deal with all the mint.
Last Week: 9-6
Season to Date: 78-39
SMU (4-2) at Cincinnati (2-5): The British Intelligence Station Chief in Jamaica has indigestion. In response, British agent and Cincinnati football coach Luke Fickell is sent to Jamaica to investigate the circumstances. During his investigation Fickell meets Quarrel, a Cayman fisherman, who had been working with Strangways around the nearby islands to collect mineral samples. One of the islands was Crab Key, home to reclusive SMU coach Chad Morris, becomes the site of intrigue.
Final Score: Cincinnati 38 SMU 37
The Rest of the AAC:
Temple (3-4) at Army (5-2): Martin Luther was an enthusiastic bowler. Experiments convinced him that 9 pins made an ideal game and this finally was settled upon as the standard for Germany. In Luther’s day, the ball was rolled at the pins when played indoors. When played outdoors, a player could between rolling and throwing the ball at the pins.
Final Score: Temple 45 Army 38
#20 UCF (5-0) at Navy (5-1): I would like to eat all of the animals at Old McMicky’s Farm, Florida’s most unique hands-on animal farm. Located between Orlando and Tampa, it features pony rides, hay rides, milk-a-cow games, catch-a-chicken revelry, a barn maze, goats, pigs, and much more.
Final Score: UCF 31 Navy 28
#16 USF (6-0) at Tulane (3-3): Tulane running back Dontrell Hilliard is going to put up 300 yards against the South Florida Bulls. He is going to knock them out of the ranks of the unbeaten and out of the top 25.
Final Score: Tulane 45 USF 42
BYU (1-6) at East Carolina (1-6): The devotees of court games incline to the belief that badminton, known originally in India as “Poona,” is the fastest. The British Army adopted the game in the Viceroy of India around 1870. Army men brought it home and showed it to their friends. The game was taken up by the Canadians in 1890 and within a few years the Americans had given it a “whirl,” though the Yankees failed to put together a national organization until 1929. The International Badminton Association decided to hold the first worldwide tournament in 1940, which they named the Thomas Cup in honor of the organization’s founder, Sir George A. Thomas, Baronet. The Second World War intervened, preventing the group from holding the first Thomas Cup in London in 1940. A post-war shortage of shuttlecocks delayed the Thomas Cup even further. It was not until 1949 that the first Thomas Cup was contested at the Duke of Beaufort’s country estate in Cornwall.
Final Score: East Carolina 2 BYU 0
The Rest of the Country:
#10 Oklahoma State (5-1) at Texas (3-3): Part of becoming an adult is becoming less impressed by Van Morrison. Van Morrison is just Gordon Lightfoot after eating two gas station burritos. Astral Weeks and Moondance are the tag team champs of overrated albums.
Final Score: Oklahoma State 45 Texas 31
Tennessee (3-3) at #1 Alabama (7-0): About what you’d expect.
Final Score: Alabama 56 Tennessee 0
#11 Southern Cal (6-1) at #13 Notre Dame (5-1): Notre Dame running back Josh Adams will become a major Heisman Trophy candidate after blowing the doors off the USC Trojans this Saturday night. People will wonder why they ever thought USC quarterback Sam Darnold merited all that attention.
Final Score: Notre Dame 42 Southern California 28
#19 Michigan (5-1) at #2 Penn State (6-0): If you rearrange the letters in Penn State running back Saquon Barkley’s name it spells “BARQ’s CUTTY SARK.” If you rearrange the letters in Harbaugh, it spells “HAB HU RAGU.”
Final Score: Michigan 24 Penn State 21
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor