Thank you Dorothy. Thank you Rose. Thank you Sophia. Thank you Blanche. Thank you to all four of the Golden Girls.
And thank you to all of my fans for your support.
Let me show you my gratitude with another week of inspired prognostication.
Last Week: 12-5
Season to Date: 57-28
#25 Central Florida (3-0) at Cincinnati (2-3): There is a lot of famous stuff to do in Orlando. I don’t do any of it. When I’m in Orlando, I make my way over to Big Cat Rescue, which is dedicated to the care of more than 70 big cats rescued from abuse. Leopards, Cheetahs, Lions, Pomeranians. Stuff like that. You can take photos that everyone will think you took on safari at this sanctuary for big cats that is working to end the trade in them as pets and props. Actually, it’s closer to Tampa than it is Orlando, but who’s asking anyway.
Final Score: Cincinnati 31 Central Florida 30
The Rest of the AAC:
Memphis (3-1) at UConn (1-3):
TJ Maxx parking lot. East Brook Mall. Mansfield, Connecticut. Currently.
Mike Norvell (MN): Morning, Randy.
Randy Edsall (RE): Tough loss last week. UCF really made you look mortal.
MN: They sure did. We just can’t play defense, just like Clayton Trutor said in his football preview a few weeks back.
RE: Thanks for inviting me to your Chevette. I probably wouldn’t have painted mine purple and gotten Tennessee plates that read “SHAMWOW” but I like it.
MN: I’m going through a midlife crisis, Randy. That’s why I ruined my Chevette and why I’ve been listening to nothing but Weezer since the loss to Central Florida.
RE: I love the early stuff. Blue album. Green album. Pinkerton’s a little whiny and there’s a lot of filler on Maladroit, but that stuff holds up pretty good too.
MN: Don’t sleep on their later work, Randy.
RE: I usually sleep in the backseat of my own Chevette. I’ve got a blanket back there and a couple of old D-Cell batteries to play with. It’s a good time in the back of my Chevy, Mike. Maybe we could have a Chevette party Saturday night. We could cut off the passenger side seatbelts and wear them around our heads and play Rambo.
MN: Deal. But don’t sleep on Weezer or I’ll give you a zerbert.
RE: I wouldn’t want that. I got enough rashes on my stomach already to get an NCAA investigation going.
Final Score: Memphis 45 UConn 10
Temple (2-3) at East Carolina (1-4):
TJ Maxx parking lot. East Brook Mall. Mansfield, Connecticut. One hour from now.
Scottie Montgomery (SM): Do you think they’ll let us go to their Chevette party?
Geoff Collins (GC): Only if we brush up on Weezer.
SM: I know all there is to know about Weezer, even their later releases. I relistened to 2005’s Make Believe on Spotify the other day. Better than I recalled. I forgot how similar it was to Maladroit. “Perfect Situation,” “This is Such a Pity,” and “The Other Way” are all standout tracks.
GC: The tracks I like on that one tend to be unlike a lot of the ponderous stuff on Maladroit. The follow up to that, 2008’s Red Album, is the worst one they ever did. It has a lot of interesting ideas but few genuinely good songs. A lot of that Rivers talk singing or quasi rapping stuff. Several songs are sung by Brian Bell or Patrick Wilson. Very unfocused if you ask me.
SM: 2009's Ratitude was a return to form. It is a genuine album too with a definable sound. Every tune aspires to rock anthem status, even if they don't all succeed. Raditude shakes away the cobwebs that seem to have developed on Maladroit, when these ponderous, seemingly incomplete ballads of thyself started serving as padding in their albums.
GC: Hurley is great too. I find it similar to its slightly better predecessor, Raditude. It has several excellent rockers including "Memories" "Run Away" and "Ruling Me." Though every track is catchy and rollicking, several of the songs are ill-conceived novelties or given to a treacly self-mythologizing present on all of their latter day LPs.
SM: I think Weezer took a step back on 2010’s Death to False Metal. Based off of Death to False Metal, Weezer seems to believe that the Cars' Heartbeat City was the realest metal album ever simply because Mutt Lange produced it. There are several good tracks here, all of which incorporate homages to the idiom of heavy metal, including an inspired cover of Tony Braxton’s "Unbreak My Heart." Some of these songs are just shockingly dumb and half-hearted though.
GC: Fear not. Weezer moved heavily in a power pop direction on 2014's Everything Will Be Alright in the End. This gem includes some of the catchiest melodies of their career including "Eulogy for a Rock Band," "Ain't Got Nobody," and "Lonely Girl." Though not their best album, it may be the most consistently pleasurable album of their career.
SM: That duet with Bethany Cosentino of Best Coast called "Go Away" is pretty great too. Has a nice surf rock vibe or maybe 60s girl group sound to it.
GC: Weezer’s most recent album, 2016’s White Album, is another strong offering. I take it to be some kind of concept album about Southern California inspired by Rivers’ demonstrated interest in groups like Best Coast and Wavves.
SM: It’s probably the most lo-fi recording of their career. The sound is assertively percussive and the guitars are noticeably turned down. Every song is catchy and will stand up to repeated listening.
GC: I think we’re ready for that Chevette party.
Final Score: Temple 24 East Carolina 10
Air Force (1-3) at Navy (4-0): I’ve been really wrong about Navy this year. I thought they were going to have a down year. Guess I was wrong.
Final Score: Navy 36 Air Force 22
Tulsa (1-4) at Tulane (2-2): When this season started, who told you that Tulsa couldn’t play a lick of defense? Who told you that even the Tulsa defensive coordinator was going to need a program when he sent his starting unit out there? Who told you that the Green Wave was going bowling in 2017? Who told you that Tulane running back Dontrell Hilliard was going to ram the ball Excalibur-style down the throats of the entire AAC? I did. I told you all of these things. Listen to me from now on.
Final Score: Tulane 45 Tulsa 31
SMU (4-1) at Houston (3-1): This one weekend, I got really into Bruins legend Phil Esposito. This was a while back. Probably before Home Alone came out. I watched a documentary called Slap! Hockey, which I’ve never been able to find as an adult and which I had on video as a little boy. It had a whole big section on how great Phil Esposito was at being really big and standing in front of the net and redirecting pucks past goalies for the B’s.
Apparently, I found the video quite inspiring. I took a black crayon and started writing “Phil E.” on everything I could in the house. On the wall, on the Crayola box, on paper plates, on myself, on every piece of paper in an unused composition book.
It was not well received in the Trutor household.
Final Score: Houston 38 SMU 31
The Rest of the Country:
#13 Miami (3-0) at Florida State (1-2): My Cousin Reggie never returned his Little League uniform. He was on the Giants. Cousin Reggie turned his Giants jersey into his work uniform. He held one-man bottle drives on behalf of the local Little League every weekend and made enough money for himself to buy a silver 1985 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme.
Final Score: Miami 38 Florida State 31
Michigan State (3-1) at #7 Michigan (4-0): Speaking of my Cousin Reggie, he keeps a highlighter handy when he reads the “Day in Court” page in the Sunday newspaper. He likes to be up to date on what’s happening in the motor court. He also collects autographs. He goes door to door to get everybody to do their autograph right next to their conviction on the “Day in Court” page. He’s got a binder and a hole puncher and he puts that binder right on top of his TV and its pretty hot on top of his TV because he leaves his TV on all night because he says it helps him sleep.
Final Score: Michigan State 24 Michigan 21
#1 Alabama (5-0) at Texas A&M (4-1): Why is Kevin Sumlin so often said to be on the hot seat? A&M has been immensely better under Sumlin than it has been under any coach since R.C. Slocum. I don’t understand why they aren’t a ranked team right now. College Station is an awfully tough place to play, but Alabama will be up to the challenge. No way that the Aggies defense is shutting down Jalen Hurts, Calvin Ridley, and crew.
Final Score: Alabama 49 Texas A&M 28
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor