Clayton Picks All the Games Correctly: Week 14: The Conference Championship Edition
Icicles and breakfast cakes
Friends and family we will celebrate
Sounds that joy and laughter make
Last Week: 8-6
Season to Date: 132-73
Pac-12 Championship Game:
Stanford (9-3) vs. Southern Cal (10-2), Levi Stadium, Santa Clara, California: The proudest day of Bobby Flay’s life was January 23, 2014, when he found out that his daughter had been accepted to USC. Bobby Flay dropped out of high school at 16 and had always wanted his daughter to get a high quality education. Flay’s daughter is now a journalism major in her junior year.
Final Score: Stanford 31 Southern Cal 22
AAC Championship Game:
Memphis (10-1) vs. Central Florida (11-0), Spectrum Stadium, Orlando, Florida: All this talk about Memphis got me thinking about Nashville power couple Faith Hill and Tim McGraw. They didn’t celebrate their 20th anniversary at a swanky restaurant. Instead, they stayed home and Tim made chicken and biscuits, a family favorite. Things are looking up for the McGraws these days, but, not so long ago, their lives were at a turning point. Tim’s rowdy nights drinking with his buddies in the barn on their property would last until all hours of the morning, a source close to Closer magazine reports. “I partied too much,” Tim admits “and did other things too much. No needles or that kind of stuff, but use your imagination.” Sometimes his hell-raising would spill over into Nashville nightclubs too. The barn on their property just wasn’t big enough for Tim and his boys to party. But those days are past now and in the past they must remain, “Flower of Scotland” reports to Closer magazine.
Final Score: Central Florida 45 Memphis 42
MAC Championship Game:
Toledo (10-2) vs. Akron (7-5), Ford Field, Detroit, Michigan: This Akron team is probably the worst team that has ever played in an FBS conference championship game. And it will show.
Final Score: Toledo 77 Akron 0
Big 12 Championship Game:
TCU (10-2) vs. Oklahoma (11-1), Jerry World, Arlington, Texas: Mamie Eisenhower once said “Madame de Stael once said that anyone who doesn’t have a rooting interest in the Oklahoma/TCU game has no interest in cryptozoology.” Both Oklahoma and TCU claim fictional creatures as their mascots, as the Horned Frogs and the Sooners are both as mythological as other fantastical beasts like Pretendapotamuses, Neon Pandas, and Cave Sharks.
Final Score: Oklahoma 48 TCU 41
SEC Championship Game:
Georgia (11-1) vs. Auburn (10-2), Mercedes-Benz Stadium, the ATL: Every year, the Beatles recorded a Christmas greeting EP for members of their official fan club. In 1963, they recorded one of my favorite songs, “Good King Wenceslas.” Ringo sang it. He did a marvelous job. Ringo growls about the “feast of Stephen” with the pluck of a death metal frontman on this 40 second track. Ringo’s croaking on this track almost certainly inspired Cannibal Corpse’s George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher to pick up a microphone.
Final Score: Georgia 20 Auburn 16
Mountain West Championship Game:
Fresno State (9-3) vs. Boise State (9-3), The Parking Lot of that Dented Can Store that’s just west of the Nampa, Idaho exit off I-84.
The Fresno State alum I would most like to have dinner with is “Bloody” Sam Peckinpah, director of such bang-bang shoot ‘em ups as The Wild Bunch, Straw Dogs, and Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia. This will be quite a trick, as Peckinpah died in 1984. Peckinpah spent the final years of his life living in the Murray Hotel in Livingston, Montana, along the route of the old Northern Pacific Railway. He did this because he knew it would sound pretty neat when I wrote about it 30 years later.
Final Score: Fresno State 32 Boise State 30
The ACC Championship Game:
Clemson (11-1) vs. Miami (10-1), Bank of America Stadium, Charlotte, North Carolina:
Loser heads to the Blockbuster Bowl to face Herschel Walker and the New Jersey Generals. Lynyrd Skynyrd will be the half-time show. Powerball will be the title sponsor. When I was little, I thought Lynyrd Skynrd’s “That Smell” would make a great jingle for Toaster Strudels. But I have matured since then. If I win the Powerball on Saturday night, I am going to buy the mansion right next to Jon Bon Jovi’s and paint it to look like the Slippery When Wet album cover.
Final Score: Clemson 35 Miami 10
The Big Ten Championship Game:
Ohio State (9-2) vs. Wisconsin (12-0), Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, Indiana:
Haven’t watched an Ohio State from start to finish yet this year. This will be my first.
Final Score: Wisconsin 24 Ohio State 21
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor