Merry Christmas. I am going to make you all enough money this week to buy some platinum plated stocking stuffers.
Last Week: 0-1
Season to Date: 140-81
December 16, 2017
Celebration Bowl: North Carolina A&T (11-0) vs. Grambling (11-1): This year is the first time since the Reagan Administration that I’ve missed the Bayou Classic. Sometime before Christmas, my Mom and I are going to sit down and watch the best part of the game: the halftime shows put on by the Southern and Grambling marching bands. Grambling may win the Bayou Classic football game, but Southern always wins halftime.
Final Score: Grambling 35 North Carolina A&T 28
R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Troy (10-2) vs. North Texas (9-4): Wait a minute. I thought Lousiana-Lafayette had Dieu et mon droit dibs on this game, no matter their record.
Final Score: North Texas 38 Troy 31
AutoNation Cure Bowl: Western Kentucky (6-6) vs. Georgia State (6-5):
Cause you can win.
In this thing called love.
Final Score: Georgia State 49 Western Kentucky 38
Las Vegas Bowl: #25 Boise State (10-2) vs. Oregon (7-5): Oregon likes those Nikes but Boise State likes them New Balances. New Balance, the saying goes in Boise, has a commitment to fit and performance through innovation and technologies. What are these innovations and technologies? Stuff like Actevalite, a premium compression molded foam for optimal compression set properties. Stuff like Fantom Fit, a skeletally engineered last that provides ultra-light support and fit. Stuff like Trufuse, a reinforced toe tip designed to help protect your tootsies. Does Nike have any of that? I don’t know. I didn’t Google it.
Final Score: Boise State 35 Oregon 28
Gildan New Mexico Bowl: Marshall (7-5) vs. Colorado State (7-5): The Elkins, West Virginia Elks Lodge held its fourth annual junior golf program this summer. 45 kids from ages 6 to 18 attended four evening sessions of golf instruction. My December 2017/January 2018 issue of The Elks Magazine does not lead me to believe that similar benevolence took place this summer at any of the Elks Clubs in the Greater Fort Collins, Colorado area.
Final Score: Marshall 75 Colorado State 31
Raycom Media Camellia Bowl: Middle Tennessee (6-6) vs. Arkansas State (7-4): Here are my five favorite furniture colors available in long lasting Duralux Leather: Burgundy, Cashmere, Tan, Fern, and Black. Here are my two least favorite: Middle Tennessee State Blue and Middle Tennessee State Silver.
Final Score: Arkansas State 27 Middle Tennessee 24
December 19, 2017
Cheribundi Tart Cherry Boca Raton Bowl: Akron (7-6) vs. Florida Atlantic (10-3): Cheribundi Tart Cherry Juice contains 50 cherries worth of cherries per serving.
Final Score: Florida Atlantic 44 Akron 20
December 20, 2017
DXL Frisco Bowl: Louisiana Tech (6-6) vs. SMU (7-5): Why do people grill tuna? The way I do it is I open the can of tuna, pour tuna into a bowl, chop up some celery, fold in some mayonnaise, and then I eat it. I bring that can right out to the dumpster cause a tuna can don’t smell that good in your garbage. So I bring it right out to the dumpster.
Final Score: SMU 42 Louisiana Tech 35
December 21, 2017
Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl: Temple (6-6) vs. Florida International (8-4): Never has a bowl game sponsorship led to as many Christmas gifts to thyself as the Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl.
Final Score: Temple 37 Florida International 24
December 22, 2017
Bahamas Bowl: UAB (8-4) vs. Ohio (8-4): Guess what, fellas? Warren G. Harding was the first member of the Elks Club to serve as U.S. President. Where was he from, fellas? Ohio. Not Alabama. Ohio.
Final Score: Ohio 35 UAB 17
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Central Michigan (8-4) vs. Wyoming (7-5): Gurgling analog synthesizers. Beatbox grooves. A few skits. And a hot tub full of alka seltzer. Sounds like a typical Saturday night in Casper, Wyoming.
Final Score: Central Michigan 34 Wyoming 28
December 23, 2017
Birmingham Bowl: Texas Tech (6-6) vs. South Florida (9-2): This game pits a team coached by one of America’s handsomest coaches against a team coached by Kliff Kingsbury.
Final Score: South Florida 38 Texas Tech 31
Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl: San Diego State (10-2) vs. Army (9-3): If I could have a free jersey of anyone that ever played for San Diego State, it would be Dan McGwire. If I could have a free jersey of anyone that ever played for Army, it would be Pete Dawkins.
Final Score: Army 35 San Diego State 22
Dollar General Bowl: Appalachian State (8-4) vs. Toledo (11-2): I think Toledo got rooked with their bowl placement. They should have at least been in the Family Dollar Bowl.
Final Score: Toledo 14 Appalachian State 10
December 24, 2017
Hawaii Bowl: Fresno State (9-4) vs. Houston (7-4): Heisman Trophy winner Andre Ware threw 46 touchdown passes for the Houston Cougars in 1989. Former Fresno State quarterback Derek Carr threw 50 during his senior year, but he also played in one more game.
Final Score: Houston 31 Fresno State 24
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor