Part II of my bowl selections will make you rich all the way up until the New Year’s Six.
December 26, 2017
Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl: Utah (6-6) vs. West Virginia (7-5): Dusty Rhodes is a plumber’s son from Austin, Texas. Alan Jackson is a mechanic’s son from Newman, Georgia. They both achieved the American Dream and the American Dream is at the heart of Dallas. If I could buy Alan Jackson and Dusty Rhodes lunch at Zaxby’s, I would buy them lunch and I would buy a lunch for myself with some extra sides.
Final Score: West Virginia 42 Utah 28
Quick Lane Bowl: Duke (6-6) vs. Northern Illinois (8-4): If you are in the market for a top notch gift suite, this is the bowl game for you. If your name appears in the program, you get a $400 Best Buy gift card, JBL Bluetooth headphones, a life-sized Fathead of your own likeness, an Ogio backpack, a mini-helmet, a Quick Lane Bowl hoodie, workout shorts, a winter hat, and a vintage football.
Final Score: Duke 35 Northern Illinois 28
Cactus Bowl: Kansas State (7-5) vs. UCLA (6-6): “Growing up in a big family, you get prepared for the world. There is a whole little world going on in your family. You have to learn how to be resourceful and distinguish yourself” – Madonna, People Magazine, 1987.
Final Score: Kansas State 42 UCLA 35
December 27, 2017
Independence Bowl: Southern Miss (8-4) vs. Florida State (6-6): Earlier in the year, the fine fans of Southern Miss let me hear it when I predicted that Texas-San Antonio was going to give them what for. I will never pick against them in a big game again.
Final Score: Southern Miss 31 Florida State 28
New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Iowa (7-5) vs. Boston College (7-5): Iowans love getting up at 4 in the morning when they go to New York City. They all buy foam Statue of Liberty crowns and hold up signs outside of the Good Morning, America studios that read “Bettendorf to NYC. Anything is Possible.” I think all that time in Times Square is going to cut into the Hawkeyes’ preparation for the game.
Final Score: BC 21 Iowa 10
Foster Farms Bowl: Arizona (7-5) vs. Purdue (6-6): No idea how Rich Rod plans to shut down Bob Griese in this one.
Final Score: Purdue 28 Arizona 24
Texas Bowl: Texas (6-6) vs. Missouri (7-5): This should still be a Big 12 game. I’m still angry with Missouri and Texas A&M for leaving the Big 12 and screwing everything up.
Final Score: Texas 45 Missouri 28
December 28, 2017
Military Bowl: Virginia (6-6) vs. Navy (6-6): Navy made me look bad last week. No way they do it two weeks in a row. Self-consciousness enables a succession of chaos to be replaced by a succession of forms. The action of history provides the means for the attainment of a higher end. History is the development of the spirit in time.
Final Score: Navy 21 Virginia 20
Camping World Bowl: No. 22 Virginia Tech (9-3) vs. No. 19 Oklahoma State (9-3): Hegel asked humans to view themselves as actors in the drama of history, although its end is unknowable—but history displays a dialectical pattern that plays out like a tragi-comic drama. Situations and circumstances may be tragic, but an ironic consciousness of history enables us to understand the inevitably comic end of history.
Final Score: Oklahoma State 42 Virginia Tech 28
Valero Alamo Bowl: No. 13 Stanford (9-4) vs. No. 15 TCU (10-3): Stanford can run the football and play some defense. That’s post-season football. TCU plays 2017 Big 12 football which is basically 1997 Pac-10 football, which is what Stanford did back then but eventually they grew up and decided to play some real football.
Final Score: Stanford 24 TCU 17
Holiday Bowl: No. 18 Washington State (9-3) vs. No. 16 Michigan State (9-3): The Ottoman Empire had to adapt from a conquest state into a world power faced with the prospects of defending its periphery during the 17th century. The adapting Ottoman Empire struggled with an internal population explosion, infighting within the elite for a limited number of short-reigning administrative positions, corruption within the central government, and the ascension of a seven-year-old Sultan, Mehmed IV, in 1648.
Final Score: Washington State 31 Michigan State 24
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor