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Clayton Picks the Ponies: Get Down with the Preakness!

Ooh-Aah-Aah-Aah!

Ozzfest 2016 Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

OOOOOOOOH-AAAAH-AAAH-AAAH

CHECK THIS OUT THIS IS THE MOST EXTREME OF THE TRIPLE CROWN RACES THIS IS THE SATURDAY THAT HAS THE PREAKNESS COME TO MY HOUSE ON NETWORK TELEVISION FROM BALTIMORE WHICH IS REALLY REALLY BLEEPIN EXTREME BECAUSE THE WIRE WAS THERE AND THAT DOCUMENTARY THAT I WATCHED ON NETFLIX HAD STRINGER AND AVON AND RONNIE WHO WORKED AT THE DA’S OFFICE I AM DOWN WITH THE PREAKNESS I AM DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS AS WELL BECAUSE I CAN DRINK TWO ROCKSTARS WHICH I BOUGHT AT WAWA ON SPECIAL FOR 4 BUCKS ALL IN ONE SITTING AND STILL SLEPT SEVEN HOURS LAST NIGHT HERE ARE MY PICKS TO WIN THE PREAKNESS

NUMBER ONE BEST HORSE IN MARYLAND RIGHT NOW: IRISH WAR CRY

HE DID BAD LAST TIME BUT HE HAS BEEN LISTENING TO “DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS” ON REPEAT SINCE TWO SATURDAYS AGO HE LIKES DISTURBED BECAUSE THEY ARE A ROCK AND ROLL BAND FROM CHICAGO THAT PLAYS EMOTIONAL NUMETALCORE MUSIC AND THEY HAVE SOLD 10 MILLION ALBUMS AND BEEN NOMINATED FOR A GRAMMY NO OTHER HORSE HAS DONE THAT DISTURBED IS NOT A HORSE BUT THAT DON’T MATTER BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN EXPERIMENTING WITH AN ALL FIBER ONE DIET TOO AND IT IS BAD FOR HIS BELLY LATELY BUT THOSE GRANOLA BARS HAVE A LOT OF CHOCOLATE AND A LOT OF ELECTROLYTES AND HORSES REALLY LIKE ELECTROLYTES WHEN THEY ARE ABOUT TO WIN THE PREAKNESS AND THIS HORSE THINKS PHIL COLLINS COVERS ARE REALLY IRONIC ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE A METAL BAND SINCE SMOOTH CRIMINAL WAS ALREADY TAKEN AS A COVER BY THE VON BONDIES OR SOMEBODY THAT JACK WHITE PROBABLY FOUGHT AND THERE’S NOT MUCH LOVE TO GO ‘ROUND

RUNNER UP HORSE ON SATURDAY AT CAMDEN YARDS: MALAGACY

HE TOO HAS A TASTE FOR AGGRESSIVE GUITAR RIFFS AND A MELODIC APPROACH TO HEAVY METAL MUSIC THAT’S WHY HE IS THE NUMBER TWO HORSE BECAUSE HE HAS EVERY JIM CROCE RECORD AND HE’S GOT A NAME LIKE THE PINE TREES LINING THE WINDING ROAD LIKE THE SINGING BIRD AND THE CROAKING TOAD AND HE CARRIES IT WITH HIM LIKE HIS DADDY DID BUT HE’S LIVING THE DREAM THAT HE KEPT HID OOOOOH-OOOOH AAH AAH AAH

THIRD PLACE HORSE WHO ATE ALL THE GRASS UP AT M&T BANK STADIUM: BATTLE OF MIDWAY

FILLS UP MY SENSES LIKE A NIGHT IN THE FOREST LIKE THE MOUNTAINS IN SPRINGTIME LIKE A WALK IN THE RAIN LIKE A STORM IN THE DESERT AND HE IS AN EXCELLENT BALL HANDLER WITH STRONG OUTSIDE SHOOTING SKILLS BUT HE COULD CONCENTRATE A LITTLE MORE ON HIS DEFENSE

This is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor