Give me 10 minutes of your time.
I, the Miss Cleo of College Football, have looked up into the heavens and learned what is going to happen this season. Today it is time for the MAC, Mountain West and Conference USA.
Championship Game: Ohio 30 Northern Illinois 8
1. Ohio University: Frank “Handsome Boy” Solich has got a talented, veteran crew in Athens. More than enough to win the MAC East.
2. Miami: Watch out Bearcats. Redhawks coach Chuck Martin has recruited well the last few years. This is not the same old Miami team. It has an experienced bunch of defenders who will help it get bowl eligible for the second straight year.
3. Bowling Green: City Tap on West Main has good wings and competitive prices on domestic pitchers. It’s right downtown and not far from the Probate Court if you got any business there.
4. Buffalo: Johnny Rzeznik has aged about as well as Luke Skywalker.
5. Kent State: Kent’s got one of those Paninis bar and grills and those aren’t bad. Good places for a pitcher and a pretend Primanti’s sandwich.
6. Akron: Stinks.
1. Northern Illinois: Big fan of the Portillo’s Hot Dogs they’ve got in Sycamore. Just down the road from campus across from where the KFC used to be. It was an Osco for a while too, but that’s not there no more neither.
2. Central Michigan: Big fan of Mt. Pleasant, Michigan. I’ve always had a lot of luck at the Soaring Eagle Casino. This one time I got about $500 on roulette but then I kept betting big on red and I lost all my money but I earned a lot of Winners’ Club points and got m’self a free buffet lunch just for spending $750 at the Casino.
3. Toledo: former Rockets quarterback Bruce Gradkowski is my second favorite 1930s gangster looking guy of all time. My all-time favorite is former Red Sox first baseman Brian Daubach.
4. Western Michigan: Went by their field one-time on the Greyhound bus. Not bad. Plus, the people in Kalamazoo are very nice.
5. Ball State: “You know what the best thing to come out of Indiana is? I-80.” – Popular joke in both Illinois and Ohio.
6. Eastern Michigan: A rebuilding year, as they say.
Championship Game: Wyoming 31 San Diego State 7
1. Wyoming: Safety Andrew Wingard made about 900 tackles last year. I project him to make 1200 this year. With Wingard taking care of the defense, the rest of the team can focus on offense. Quarterback Josh Allen will do an excellent job directing all those extra cow-polks toward the endzone. He had an outstanding sophomore year in 2016, passing for more than 3000 yards. Expect more of the same from Allen and the rest of Craig Bohl’s top notch Cowboys team.
2. Boise State: Youtube videos of their practices look quite fearsome. I wouldn’t want to line up against these fellas.
3. Air Force: A rebuilding year in Colorado Springs, but, man, do they have a heck of a kicker. Luke Strebel hit 22-of-25 field goals last year. Expect to see him on Sundays.
4. New Mexico: With the firing of Bob Diaco at UConn, Lobos boss Bob Davie is now college football’s handsomest coach.
5. Utah State: Left Tackle Preston Brooksby has been named to my 2017 All-Aristocratic name team.
6. Colorado State: In 1994, I wrote Sonny Lubick a fan letter wishing the Rams well on the upcoming season. He never wrote me back. I’m still waiting, Sonny.
1. San Diego State: Being the best team in the West Division of the Mountain West conference is kind of like being the valedictorian of your summer school class.
2. San Jose State: When the sun sets in downtown San Jose, the spirits come alive- and not only in the bars that pour your favorite drinks. Ghost Tours of San Jose is ready to help you spot them not only on the city streets, but inside some of the city’s beautiful historic homes too.
3. Nevada: I gave up bad language for Lent this year. I fell short of the glory on 133 occasions. Here are the top reasons I broke my Lenten promise this year: 1) lost at FIFA 95 2) Got into heated argument over whether or not the Counting Crows’ line “Round Here we stay up very very late” is a humblebrag (it is) 3) Burned hand on toaster oven 4) Rough night at the Elks Club 5) Blockbuster Video fined me for not rewinding Major League 2
4. Fresno State: My summer hat in 2017 has been this mesh job I got on EBay that reads “Fresno State: 1983 NIT Champions.” That’s good enough for fourth place in my book.
5. UNLV: The Henderson, Nevada Elks Lodge Local 457 made a $1300 donation this June to the Greater Henderson Humane Society. So there’s that.
6. Hawaii: Only state I don’t have much interest in visiting. Seems like a big production getting out there.
Championship Game: Didn’t bother to Google to see if they have one.
1. Doesn’t matter
2. Who cares
3. The Chaska, Minnesota SuperAmerica
5. Lazaro Cardenas
6. Doing the dishes
10. Conference USA has about 10 teams, don’t it?
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, look me up on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor