Give me another 10 minutes of your time.
I, the Miss Cleo of College Football, have looked up into the heavens and learned what is going to happen this season, specifically in the Pac-12 and Sun Belt.
Championship Game: Stanford 31 USC 28
1. Stanford: As cool, cocky, and bad as the Honky Tonk Man on both their offensive and defensive fronts. That is the norm in Palo Alto. What makes this year’s team different is their outstanding team speed. Sophomore corner Quenton Meeks is a firecracker and an intercepting machine. Wide receivers Isaiah Brandt-Sims, JJ Arcega-Whiteside and Trenton Irwin are all burners. Senior quarterback Keller Chryst is a steady backfield presence as well as veteran tailback Bryce Love.
2. Oregon: The Ducks have rebuilt their defense. Watch new defensive coordinator Jim Leavitt oversee Oregon’s reemergence in the Pac-12 North.
3. Washington State: The strength of this league is in the North. If the Cougars were in the South, they would compete for the division title. Wazzu has an elite offense which will post as many points as anyone in this conference. Don’t be surprised if Cougars quarterback Luke Falk outshines his more heralded peers in the PAC-12 South this fall.
4. Washington: Huskies receiver Dante Pettis is pretty funny on Twitter. Also a pretty good football player. Give him a follow: @dmainy_13
5. Oregon State: Senior quarterback Darrell Garretson is going to take a classic Ricky Morton-style butt whupping this fall with the Beavers’ sorry offensive line protecting him.
6. Cal: Where have you gone, Kevin Moen?
1. USC: Quarterback Sam Darnold is the Spencer Traciest Hepburn that has ever played for the Trojans.
2. UCLA: Conversely, Bruins quarterback Josh Rosen is the Bogiest Bacall in Westwood.
3. Colorado: Distractions abounded in Boulder following the Buffaloes’ breakthrough 2016 season. Expect a small setback in 2017.
4. Arizona State: Last week, I saw a guy in an Arizona State t-shirt riding a Harley Davidson trike. His Jordache jeans were beautifully creased and he rode down the highway with a panache like the high, lonesome harmonies of Bon Jovi.
5. Utah: You know how loud bowling alleys are. Power Wheels Turbo Corvettes are even louder. They feature doors and a hood that opens and closes. It has an authentic-looking shift console, plastic ignition key, a detailed dash and a glove-box storage compartment.
6. Arizona: Poor RichRod. Just three years ago he was the Pac-12 coach of the year.
The Sun Belt
1. Georgia Southern: 2016 was an aberration. These guys can score with anybody in the Sun Belt.
2. Troy: Has more than 29,000 students. That is the second most of any school in the Sun Belt.
3. Appalachian State: Veteran quarterback Taylor Lamb will lead the Mountaineers to yet another bowl game.
4. Arkansas State: Closing with three straight road games will suck all the oxygen out of a promising season.
5. Lafayette: Another 6-6 regular season. Another trip to the New Orleans Bowl. Another 6-7 record.
6. Georgia State: Paul Simon is about four inches taller than Danny Devito
7. Texas State: My man LBJ deserves better from his alma-mater.
8. Idaho: Maine’s potatoes are much better. This one time I bought a big bag of Idaho potatoes at a roadside stand and two of them were rotten.
9. South Alabama: Ladd-Peebles Stadium looks like a great place to see a game.
10. New Mexico State: You ever see the music video where Biz Markie and Big Daddy Kane toast Paul Simon before he plays pickup basketball with some kids in the Bronx to “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard”? It’s good.
11. Monroe: Dr. Marvin Monroe is the worst character in the history of The Simpsons, non-Lisa division.
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, look me up on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor