I did right by you last week.
I always do right by you. Always and forever.
Last Week: 11-6
Season to Date: 23-11
Cincinnati (1-1) at Miami (Ohio) (1-1): Last time I checked, we’ve still got Mike Boone, Kahlil Lewis, and Devin Gray on our roster and they don’t.
Final Score: Cincinnati 42 Miami 20
The Rest of the AAC:
Illinois (2-0) at #22 South Florida (2-0): Best wishes to all the good folks in Tampa. Next time you visit, I recommend a trip to Skipper’s Smokehouse and Oyster Bar, located just off I-275. They’ve got live music seven nights a week and a lively Floribbean menu. It has been the perfect gathering spot for locals and out of towners since 1980.
Final Score: South Florida 34 Illinois 27
UMass (0-3) at Temple (1-1): Lucky Temple. Two straight games against FCS opponents.
Final Score: Temple 48 UMass 3
UCLA (2-0) at Memphis (1-0): When I was fourteen years old, I learned how to play the riff from Jethro Tull’s “Aqualung.” Earlier that year, I had learned the riff from “Smoke on the Water.” That is the extent of my guitar virtuosity. For the next ten years, every time I hung out with some dudes that had a guitar, they were treated to “SITTING ON A PARK BENCH.” One afternoon, my chops impressed three dudes in Tool t-Shirts enough to let me join their band. While they ruminated on how they knew that the pieces fit, I was still “SITTING ON A PARK BENCH.” I was fired before the end of Total Request Live that afternoon.
Final Score: UCLA 56 Memphis 24
UConn (1-1) at Virginia (1-1): UConn’s offense is an unimaginative as Kendrick Lamar’s new album.
Final Score: Virginia 31 UConn 0
Virginia Tech (2-0) at East Carolina (0-2): ECU fired their defensive coordinator last week. I’m sure that’ll help a whole lot against the Hokies.
Final Score: Virginia Tech 60 East Carolina 7
SMU (2-0) at #20 TCU (2-0): Mustangs coach Chad Morris has brought us into the future. He put a series of drones in place to record SMU practices. The SMU athletic department is posting some outstanding, straight-from-the-trenches practice videos taken by the drones. They look like the combat scenes shot with hand-held cameras in Michael Mann’s films.
Final Score: SMU 44 TCU 35
Tulane (1-1) at #2 Oklahoma (2-0):
Early Evening. November 9, 2017. The Oxford Union Debating Society.
Willie Fritz (WF): Technological innovation is a Faustian deal. The advantages people derive from these innovations often lead to unforeseen disadvantages. The world does not go on as it had before, just with an added item. Technological change predicates structural change in the society. The new technology acts upon the society as a whole.
Lincoln Riley (LR): No it ain’t.
WF: The tool-using culture of our ancestors seems buried deep in the trashbin of history.
LR: Don’t you never stop running that yap?
WF: Every time a nervous sixteen-year-old turns in a standardized test or a patient awaits their CAT scan results, the tentacles of technopoly extend their reach.
LR: Is that what they’re teaching you there at college?
WF: Are you minimizing the totalitarian nature of contemporary technological culture?
LR: Yeah, I am. And I’m gonna rub your nose in it if you don’t stop talking.
Final Score: Oklahoma 52 Tulane 27
Tulsa (1-1) at Toledo (2-0): Toledo Rockets coach Jason Candle is a consistent scorer and rebounder with good anticipation on defense in the lowpost. Tulsa coach Philip Montgomery is a Gloria Grahame knockoff, a noirish homme fatal who always ends up in the arms of Mr. Wrong.
Final Score: Toledo 48 Tulsa 31
Georgia Tech (1-1) at UCF (1-0):
6 PM. Yesterday. The Varsity. North Avenue. Atlanta, Georgia.
Scott Frost (SF): I love “Octopus’ Garden.” Ringo’s longing for an escape to “the coral that lies beneath the waves” demonstrates that his everyman sensibilities remained intact after close to a decade in the limelight. Undoubtedly, the intense public scrutiny he and his bandmates faced during the 1960s increased their desire for “little hideaways beneath the waves.” Recorded in 1969, “Octopus’ Garden” anticipates the 1970s marina rock aesthetic with its transformation of the sea into a pop landscape free from the humdrum constraints of the mainland.
Paul Johnson (PJ): What’ll ya have?
SF: Two Chilis and a Slaw. 2 Large Diet Cokes too. I am as thirsty as a cat on a hot tin roof.
PJ: I don’t go for Ringo and his octopuses. I’m a landlubber myself. I like George’s “Savoy Truffle.” It’s got that haute monde French New Wave cinema aesthetic that I love more than life itself. I walk around at night listening to “Savoy Truffle” on repeat as I shuffle sensuously over steamy sewer-grates.
SF: Do you still get your Yellow Jackets ready for ACC action by making them do highly-choreographed interpretive dances to the Steve Winwood “The Night Belongs to Michelob” commercials?
PJ: Sure as shinola I do. This is the ACC. This is where the Big Dawgs play.
SF: I get my Knights ready to play by firing up “Birthday” from the White Album. I like the way that Paul demands that we celebrate your birthday with the aplomb of a professional activist.
PJ: That’ll be $11.75.
SF: See you Sunday.
SF: No. I’m planning to come back here for lunch on Sunday. On Saturday, we’re going to give you what for.
Final Score: Georgia Tech 27 UCF 17
Rice (1-1) at Houston (1-0): In the words of one George Glenn Jones, the Houston Cougars are hotter than a two-dollar pistol, long and lean, every young man’s dream, they turn every head in town. The Rice Owls do not. Kyle Allen will throw for so many yards against the Owls’ generous secondary this weekend that even David Klingler will blush.
Final Score: Houston 81 Rice 0
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor