In 1953, the National Recreation Association claimed that there were 4,791 shuffleboard courts in the United States, 1,953 handball courts, 220 bowling greens, and 104 ski jumps. Americans in 1953 were in desperate need of more ski jumps.
Last Week: 11-6
Season to Date: 34-17
Cincinnati (2-1) at Navy (2-0): Navy’s defense is inexperienced. Both Florida Atlantic and Tulane moved the ball consistently against the Midshipmen. Cincinnati’s offense is superior to both of those clubs, particularly in the passing game. This will be Hayden Moore’s breakout afternoon. The Bearcats will stretch the field and expose Navy’s underwhelming secondary.
Final Score: Cincinnati 35 Navy 31
The Rest of the AAC:
Texas Tech (2-0) at Houston (2-0): I sat next to a guy named Clayton on a Peter Pan bus from Albany to New York in 2005. He had spent twenty minutes in the terminal on the pay phone having the loudest conversation I'd ever heard. He had a roll of quarters with him and he was feeding them to the phone like it was an air hockey table. The conversation was something about a family reunion. He kept yelling "Daddy" at the guy on the other end, presumably his father.
“Three Generations of _______...Your Grandfather, Daddy, Me, and Junior," which made no sense at all.
He was the last guy on the bus and, of course, he chose to sit next to me from among the five remaining empty seats. Every ten minutes he asked the bus driver if we could stop so he could use the payphone to call Daddy.
He didn’t say anything to me during the ride, but he played some mean air guitar, especially when we went through Newburgh. When we finally got to the city, he kept asking the driver to let him out, which he finally did. Somewhere just south of Yankee Stadium and well after dark.
Final Score: Houston 51 Texas Tech 20
Army (2-1) at Tulane (1-2):
Yesterday. 9:17 AM. The Shell Station on West Espalande Avenue. Metarie, Louisiana.
Jeff Monken (JM): Biggest albacore that’s ever been caught with a rod and reel in salt water is just over 66 pounds.
Willie Fritz (WF): Biggest bluefish ever been caught is a twenty pounder. Right off Montauk, back in 1951. That was a Philip Chasin special. That boy made some magic with those Nassau County nightcrawlers. The ones he dug up in Valley Stream. Not those glorified earthworms he found in that abandoned car in Mastic. We used to go joyriding on the Jericho Turnpike and prank 1-800-Flowers from his car phone.
JM: Best fresh water I ever caught was a 4 pound white perch that I took out of Messalonske Lake up in Maine while visiting Mr. Earl Small.
WF: Hooked a brook trout that was maybe 14 on the scale when I was in the Air Force.
JM: Cowichan Bay?
WF: Sure as shinola. Best fresh water lake in British Columbia.
JM: That’s my third favorite in Old BC. Tagish Lake is a pure beast and Okanagan Lake is as heavy as a Chevy if you ask me.
Final Score: Tulane 38 Army 28
New Mexico (1-2) at Tulsa (1-2): The best thing about being an armchair quarterback is that you’re always right.
Final Score: New Mexico 38 Tulsa 22
UCF (1-0) at Maryland (2-0): Non-Marylander Phil Plantier was a Rob Deer in training, but he ended up a Dan Pasqua. He had the strikeouts. He got traded a lot. He just need to hit a few more homeruns. Nevertheless, he has the record for most Major League homeruns by a New Hampshire native.
Final Score: UCF 35 Maryland 28
Arkansas State (1-1) at SMU (2-1): Show me that smile again, Stang Gang. Don’t waste another minute on your crying, SMU. We’re nowhere near the end, Mustangs. The best is ready to begin, Southern Methodist. As long as we’ve got each other, University Park. We got the world spinning right in our hands, Ponies. Rain or shine. We’ve got each other sharing the laughter and love.
Final Score: SMU 56 Arkansas State 26
Southern Illinois (2-0) at Memphis (2-0): My old landlord was a barber in the Army. Back during the war. Which war, he never said. He gave haircuts for free but I never took one. Every time I got one from somebody else, he’d complement me on it the next three times that we spoke. I heard he put on his old army helmet when he gave out his free haircuts. Safety first. He was frequently preoccupied with the price of gold.
Final Score: Memphis 49 Southern Illinois 28
East Carolina (0-3) at Connecticut (1-1): Within one calendar year of his retirement, Tom Brady will announce that he is a Scientologist.
Final Score: ECU 42 UConn 24
The Rest of the Country:
#16 TCU (3-0) at #6 Oklahoma State (3-0): If I had to make a Mount Rushmore of my favorite Oklahoma State Cowboys, it would include Jason Gildon, Leslie O’Neal, Thurman Thomas, and Barry Sanders. And after I made it, I would pat it and shape it and mark it with a ‘B’. And then, I would put it in the oven for baby and me.
Final Score: Oklahoma State 49 TCU 38
#1 Alabama at Vanderbilt (3-0): The only thing that will stop the Vanderbilt Commodores this season is a bad case of senioritis. I just realized that the plight of senioritis is probably becoming less of a problem in college basketball with all of the one and dones these days.
Final Score: Alabama 35 Vanderbilt 3
#17 Mississippi State (3-0) at #11 Georgia (3-0): I own a stuffed Uga. I do not own a stuffed whatever they call the poor bulldog they force to cheer for Mississippi State.
Final Score: Georgia 31 Mississippi State 20
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor