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Clayton Picks All the Games Correctly: Week 5- The Cherokee Parks Edition

Plus more breaking news on Sam Darnold’s PJs

Pards defended by Wright

I am to consistency what someone who is really consistent is to consistency.

My third straight week of 11-6. I have made more fortunes in three weeks than Herbalife has in three decades.

Last Week: 11-6

Season to Date: 45-23

Our Game:

Marshall (2-1) at Cincinnati (2-2): 1990s Marshall quarterback Eric Kresser’s name never leaves my lips. If I am trying to focus on something that’s difficult to understand, like the instructions for setting up an X-Box 360, I whisper-spell E-R-I-C-K-R-E-S-S-E-R over and over to myself until I’ve set up my system and get myself into the middle of a No-DQ tag team match in WWE 2K16.

Final Score: Cincinnati 32 Marshall 30

The Rest of the AAC:

#18 South Florida (4-0) at East Carolina (1-3): Next time you are in Tampa, hitchhike to what locals call “the LLP”: Lettuce Lake Park. LLP’s boardwalk is one of the best ways to enjoy the beauty of Florida’s rivers from the land. This huge park has a great playground and dozens of spots to picnic. You can even rent a canoe. Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for resident wildlife such as playful Atlantic bottlenose dolphins, demure manatees, and even elusive sea turtles.

Final Score: South Florida 88 East Carolina 73

Houston (2-1) at Temple (2-2): The first archery club in the United States was formed on Broad Street in Philadelphia in 1828, a half-mile south of the Temple campus. It was known as the United Bowmen of Philadelphia. It disbanded in 1859. As a result, Burt Young was never allowed to become a member.

Final Score: Houston 38 Temple 24

Navy (3-0) at Tulsa (1-3):

Let’s see what’s on Tulsa coach Philip Montgomery’s bookshelf.

Gordon, Mel. The Stanislavsky Technique: Russia, a workbook for actors. New York: Applause Theatre Book Publishers, 1988.

Vineberg, Steve. Method Actors: three generations of an American acting style. New York: Schirmer Books, 1991.

Looks like somebody is thinking about a second career.

Final Score: Tulsa 35 Navy 28

UConn (1-2) at SMU (3-1): “Adam Smith’s Wealth of Nations describes human nature in the context of the exercise of economic power. Smith believes economic progress, the increase of the social standard of living resulting from the free market, is fueled by the division of labor and the expansion of production created by the specialization of economic tasks. Man’s self-interested nature endows him with a ‘trucking disposition,’ a natural inclination to trade. Trade is common to all of mankind and is not found in any other animals”- excerpt from UConn coach Randy Edsall’s Macroeconomics midterm paper.

Since Edsall is, for the time being, a full-time employee of the University of Connecticut, he gets to take one class each semester, free-of-charge. Edsall figured an economics class would be a practical course for him to take this semester, since he’ll probably be out of work in the near future.

Final Score: SMU 49 UConn 0

Memphis (3-0) at UCF (2-0): Now it's a mighty long way down rock 'n' roll/Through the Bradford cities and the orioles/'n you look like a star but you're still on the dole/ All the way from Memphis

Final Score: Memphis 35 UCF 31

The Rest of the Country:

#14 Miami (2-0) at Duke (4-0): Cherokee Parks is an elite low-post presence for the Blue Devils. Much like the “Miss Cleo of College Football,” the 6’10 center is a master of consistency. He plays physically in the paint and can step outside with regularity to hit the jumper. Parks is an instinctive player who finds outlets on rebounds quickly. He adds value to the Dookies on both ends of the floor. Few big men move as well without the ball as Parks. Nevertheless, Duke just has no answer for Mark Walton and Miami’s power running game.

Final Score: Miami 52 Duke 28

#5 Southern Cal (4-0) at #16 Washington State (4-0): Sam Darnold wore a Luke Falk jersey to bed every night this week.

Final Score: Washington State 38 Southern Cal 31

Baylor (0-4) at Kansas State (2-1): The further we get from RG3's career, the more fondly he'll be remembered. His brief moment of brilliance will come to be seen in the same light as Gale Sayers’. It’s all Mike Shanahan’s fault.

Final Score: Kansas State 59 Baylor 54

#2 Clemson (4-0) at #12 Virginia Tech (4-0): Billy Joel’s 1986 album The Bridge was his rockingest since Attila. It combines the studied spontaneity of Andrew WK with the sincerity of Andrew Gold. The Hokies combine a consistent running game with a bend-but-don’t break defense which will get the best of the Clemson Tigers.

Final Score: Virginia Tech 24 Clemson 21

As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor