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Down the Drive has asked me to put my powers of clairvoyance to use on the NCAA Basketball Tournament.
The way I see it, this tournament is going to play out a lot like Wrestlemania IV.
Rather than having basketball teams play basketball against one another, Commissioner Tunney had decided that college basketball’s national championship will be decided by having the head coaches of each team fight it out, sports-entertainment style.
It all begins in Dayton.
The First Four
No. 16 LIU-Brooklyn vs. No. 16 Radford: LIU-Brooklyn’s Derek Kellogg was disqualified before this match even began. He put special guest ring announcer Robin Leach through a table while the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous host was trying to read a special proclamation outlining the rules set forth by Commissioner Tunney.
Final Score: Highlanders win by DQ.
Editor’s note: This pick was made before last night’s game. So Clayton is off to a blistering 1-0 start.
No. 16 North Carolina Central vs. No. 16 Texas Southern: Submission specialist and NCCU coach LeVelle Morton slapped the figure four leg-lock on Texas Southern’s Mike Davis in a match that looked like AWA television in the late 1980s.
Final Score: Eagles by Submission.
No. 11 St. Bonaventure vs. No. 11 UCLA:
Final Score: Double Count-Out. Florida Advances to the Round of 32.
No. 11 Arizona State vs. No. 11 Syracuse: Jim Boeheim is currently on a hot streak at Turning Stone, the closest casino to the Syracuse campus. Boeheim no-showed the First Four, enabling Bobby Hurley and the Sun Devils to advance without incident.
Final Score: Sun Devils by Count-Out.
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The East Region
Round of 64
No. 1 Villanova vs. No. 16 Radford: Your typical Wrestling Challenge squash match.
Final Score: Wildcats by Pinfall.
No. 8 Virginia Tech vs. No. 9 Alabama: Va Tech’s Buzz Williams and Alabama’s Avery Johnson put on a high-spot fest with no psychology whatsoever. Jim Cornette came to ringside with his tennis racket to register his complaint, distracting Johnson and enabling Buzz to pull off his patented hurricanrana driver for the seventh time in ten minutes.
Final Score: Hokies by Pinfall.
No. 5 West Virginia vs. No. 12 Murray State: Murray State’s Matt McMahon looked strong in defeat, but outside interference by Coach Huggins’ manager, Slick, ensured his victory.
Final Score: Mountaineers by Count-Out.
No. 4 Wichita State vs. No. 13 Marshall: Marshall coach Dan D’Antoni accidentally nailed referee Dave Hebner with a flying elbow, leading to his disqualification.
Final Score: Shockers by DQ.
No. 6 Florida BYE to Round of 32
No. 3 Texas Tech vs. No 14 SF Austin: “The only thing in Red Dawn that I can’t believe is that C. Thomas Howell’s Star Wars hat would stay in such good shape after months in the wilderness”- Stephen F. Austin coach Kyle Keller said before the Red Raiders’ Chris Beard nailed him with an enziguri.
Final Score: Red Raiders by Pinfall.
No. 7 Arkansas vs. No. 10 Butler: Butler’s LaVall Jordan beat Arkansas’ Mike Anderson in a CZW style match that would have made Justice Pain blush.
Final Score: Butler by Pinfall.
No. 2 Purdue vs. No. 15 Cal State-Fullerton:
Final Score: Purdue by DQ.
Round of 32
No. 1 Villanova vs. No. 8 Virginia Tech: Buzz Williams showed off his mat skills in this match, slapping Villanova’s Jay Wright in a cross-face chicken wing. The match ended when Helen Hart threw in the towel.
Final Score: Hokies by Submission.
No. 4 Wichita State vs. No. 5 West Virginia: Slick climbed up on the apron, distracting referee Dave Hebner while Coach Huggins pulled out a set of brass nucks and nailed Wichita State’s Gregg Marshall.
Final Score: Mountaineers by KO.
No. 3 Texas Tech vs. No. 6 Florida: The Heenan Family jumped Texas Tech’s Chris Beard back stage while he was being interviewed by Bob Uecker. Unable to compete, Chris Beard had to forfeit the match.
Final Score: Gators Get a BYE into the Sweet Sixteen.
No. 10 Butler vs. No. 2 Purdue:
Final Score: Purdue by Flashback.
Sweet Sixteen
No. 8 Virginia Tech vs. No. 5 West Virginia: Changing styles again, Buzz Williams put in his mouth guard and donned his kick pads. He adopted a full contact, puroresu style against Coach Huggins, earning him a victory and his third consecutive five-star match rating from The Wrestling Observer’s Dave Meltzer.
No. 6 Florida vs. No. 2 Purdue:
Final Score: Purdue by Splashing Around in the Water
Elite Eight
No. 8 Virginia Tech vs. No. 2 Purdue:
Final Score: Purdue by a Voice Vote
PURDUE IS HEADED TO SAN ANTONIO!
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Midwest Region
Round of 64
No. 1 Kansas vs. No. 16 Penn: Bill Self wins by way of a “Dusty finish.”
Final Score: Jayhawks Win, I think.
No. 8 Seton Hall vs. No. 9 NC State: Multiple Kevin Keatts come in and around of the ring when referee Earl Hebner is distracted by NC State’s valet, Missy Hyatt.
Final Score: Wolfpack by Pinfall.
No. 5 Clemson vs. No. 12 New Mexico State: A schmoz that ends with several babyfaces from the back clearing the pro-Clemson Dungeon of Doom from the ring. The good guys commence with several minutes of oiled-up pose-downs.
Final Score: Aggies by Popular Acclaim.
No. 4 Auburn vs. No. 13 Charleston: Auburn coach Bruce Pearl demonstrated his years of tournament experience by calling for a motion to end debate quickly, ensuring the Tigers’ victory in the Round of 64.
Final Score: Tigers Invoke Cloture.
No. 6 TCU vs. No. 11 Arizona State: ASU’s Bobby Hurley is going to take TCU’s Jamie Dixon to Suplex City.
Final Score: Sun Devils by Pinfall.
No. 3 Michigan State vs. No. 14 Bucknell: The Izzo Driver has been banned in 12 states, but one of them is not the state in which this game was played. I’m guessing. I don’t really know where it was played. I didn’t bother to Google it. I’m on a tight schedule, y’here.
Final Score: Spartans by Pinfall.
No. 7 Rhode Island vs. No. 10 Oklahoma:
Final Score: Rhode Island by Showstopper
No. 2 Duke vs. No. 15 Iona: Despite his fall on a triple toe-loop/double axel combination, Coach K hit enough of the technical elements to overcome a stout challenge from Iona.
Final Score: Blue Devils Win the Short Program.
Round of 32
No. 1 Kansas vs. No. 9 NC State: Squash match.
Final Score: Jayhawks by Pinfall.
No. 4 Auburn vs. No. 12 New Mexico State: Bruce Pearl is a Master of the Senate.
Final Score: Tigers by Pocket Veto.
No. 3 Michigan State vs. No. 11 Arizona State: Jack Tunney stipulated X Division Rules for this second round contest. It didn’t last long. Izzo Driver. Folding Table. 1,2,3.
Final Score: Spartans by Pinfall.
No. 2 Duke vs. No. 7 Rhode Island:
Dramatis Personae:
Duke: Sam Dyson
Rhode Island: Jose Bautista
Toronto Fans: America
Final Score: Rhode Island Advances to ALCS
Sweet Sixteen
No. 1 Kansas vs. No. 4 Auburn: Kansas hired an army of experienced lobbyists before this match, preventing Bruce Pearl from pulling anymore legislative trickery in the NCAA Tournament.
Final Score: Jayhawks by Pinfall.
No. 3 Michigan State vs. No. 7 Rhode Island:
A conversation I had three weeks ago at the customer service booth at Rhode Island’s majestic Twin River Casino.
Me: The soda machine is out of cups.
Customer Service: You check the one upstairs.
Me: I did.
Customer Service: You could bring one from home next time.
Final Score: Rhode Island by Dehydration.
Elite Eight
No. 1 Kansas vs. No. 7 Rhode Island: I saw a man resembling Bill Self eat an entire loaf of frozen Ezekiel Bread on the bus the other day.
Final Score: Rams 4 Jayhawks 9
KANSAS IS HEADED TO SAN ANTONIO!
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South Region
Round of 64
No. 1 Virginia vs. No. 16 UMBC: Tony Bennett looks good and he feels better. He makes a burlap sack look like a cashmere sweater.
Final Score: Cavaliers by Pinfall.
No. 8 Creighton vs. No. 9 Kansas State: Creighton coach Greg McDermott continued his on-going feud with play-by-play announcer Michael Cole, which distracted him from the NCAA Tournament match at hand.
Final Score: Wildcats by Count-Out.
No. 5 Kentucky vs. No. 12 Davidson: Davidson coach Bob McKillop bodyslammed Yokozuna aboard the U.S.S. Intrepid on the 4th of July to earn a tournament bid. Kentucky’s John Calipari challenged McKillop to a similar bodyslam competition in their first round matchup. Obviously, Calipari won. John Calipari cannot be bodyslammed.
Final Score: UK Wildcats by Immovability.
No. 4 Arizona vs. No. 13 Buffalo: Envision Sean Miller as the Shock Master.
Final Score: The Wildcats Put a Real Scare into Sid Vicious
No. 6 Miami vs. No. 11 Loyola-Chicago: “At the dawn of history, two powerful immortals were born to a warrior tribe that was mostly slain. The two parted as brothers and struggle once again in the opening round of the NCAA Tournament. Following post-game refreshments, they will meet once again to fight the Geomancer Gilad in the greatest battle of all-time: the Anni-Padda Unity Conflict”- The Ultimate Warrior’s thoughts on this matchup.
Final Score: Canes Win by Pinfall.
No. 3 Tennessee vs. No. 14 Wright State: You know the old joke, “Right State, Wrong School.”
Final Score: Volunteers by Plenty.
No. 7 Nevada vs. No. 10 Texas: “Long ago in a kingdom located on the Wold, the king of an ancient realm ordered his court magician to create a friend to entertain the young prince. The magician obeyed and created Lord Pumpkin. Giving his creation a magic candle was his first mistake. Giving him free will was his second. Lord Pumpkin planned and waited. When the timing was right, he blew a dragon-like flame from his candle and torched the king, prince, and all knights loyal to the court. Now, Lord Pumpkin rules and all live in fear.”- Nevada’s Eric Musselman on Austin’s culinary scene.
Final Score: Longhorns by Pinfall.
No. 2 Cincinnati vs. No. 15 Georgia State: “A Chili Hardway is when you add a potato to some Skyline”- Me as Jim Cornette visiting Cincinnati in a text to my brother.
Final Score: Bearcats by Submission.
Round of 32
No. 1 Virginia vs. No. 9 Kansas State: Transported from the Lost Land by Solaar’s power, Virginia coach Tony Bennett found himself back in his true home: Rome, 408 AD! Bennett hurried to the camp of his uncle, eager to rejoin his loved ones and begin the beguine. But this coach of God-like power isn’t the Tony Bennett that the Bennett clan remembers. He has much nicer sunglasses and a newly cleft chin. Bennett buries himself in his armor, craving only oblivion.
Final Score: Cavaliers by Count-Out.
No. 4 Arizona vs. No. 5 Kentucky: John Calipari cannot be bodyslammed. Sean Miller fuses George Clinton’s wacky P-Funk sound and attitude with hip hop, delivering a triple dope, super-stupid, cold-ignorant underground humpty-funk style rap game that has expanded popular music’s boundaries with its open-mindedness. He also has a really common name.
Final Score: Kentucky Wildcats Win by Pinfall.
No. 3 Tennessee vs. No. 6 Miami: Rick Barnes no sold all of Jim Larranaga’s offense.
Final Score: Volunteers by Pinfall.
No. 2 Cincinnati vs. No. 10 Texas: Mick Cronin hooked Shaka Smart with a fisherman’s suplex.
Final Score: Bearcats by Pinfall.
Sweet Sixteen
No. 1 Virginia vs. No. 5 Kentucky: “Bennett Fears Cronin” signs have popped up throughout the arena.
Final Score: Cavaliers by DQ.
No. 2 Cincinnati vs. No. 3 Tennessee: Cronin gave his shades to a kid in the front row and proceeded to place Rick Barnes in the sharpshooter.
Final Score: Bearcats by Submission.
Elite Eight
1. Virginia vs. 2. Cincinnati: The Irresistible Force versus the Immovable Object.
Final Score: Bearcats by Pinfall.
CINCINNATI IS HEADING TO SAN ANTONIO!
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West Region
Round of 64
No. 1 Xavier vs. No. 16 North Carolina Central: Chris Mack pulled out of this match and got Commissioner Tunney to approve J.P. Macura as his replacement. J.P. scored the victory in this first round matchup by throwing salt in the eyes of his opponent, hitting him with brass nucks, Jimmy Hart’s megaphone, Jim Cornette’s tennis racket, and Bobby Heenan’s sequin jacket.
Final Score: Our Rivals by Pinfall.
No. 8 Missouri vs. No. 9 Florida State: I think Bobby Bowden would have been a top notch wrestling manager.
Final Score: Seminoles by Puntrooskie.
No. 5 Ohio State vs. No. 12 South Dakota State: Urban Meyer is a pizza eating machine.
Final Score: Buckeyes by two and a quarter lengths.
No. 4 Gonzaga vs. No. 13 UNC-Greensboro: Przemek Karnowski is a dippin dots eating machine. He can finish the helmets of every single MLB team in one sitting.
Final Score: Zags by Submission.
No. 6 Houston vs. No. 11 San Diego State: The Rockets were too good to stick around San Diego. They headed instead to the great city of Houston in 1970. Likewise, the University of Houston’s Kelvin Sampson can take all comers from the city of San Diego.
Final Score: Cougars by Submission.
No. 3 Michigan vs. No. 14 Montana: Gary Moeller, Lloyd Carr, RichRod, Brady Hoke. Now that’s a Survivor Series team!
Final Score: Wolverines by Pinfall.
No. 7 Texas A&M vs. No. 10 Providence:
Final Score: Friars by Count-Out.
No. 2 North Carolina vs. No. 15 Lipscomb: Roy Williams has great taste in blazers.
Final Score: Tarheels by Pinfall.
Round of 32
No. 1 Xavier vs. No. 9 Florida State: Bobby Bowden has a bunch of tricks up his sleeves as well suited for college football as they are for college basketball brackets being contested by imaginary wrestling matches.
Final Score: Seminoles by Pinfall.
No. 4 Gonzaga vs. No. 5 Ohio State: Przemek Karnowski beat Urban Meyer at his own game. He ate a whole large pizza. Urban Meyer can only polish off a personal sized Papa John’s pepperoni pizza.
Final Score: Gonzaga by Submission.
No. 3 Michigan vs. No. 6 Houston: Kelvin Sampson could beat a Survivor Series team made up of the Fab Five single-handedly.
Final Score: Cougars by Pinfall.
No. 2 North Carolina vs. No. 10 Providence:
Final Score: Tarheels by DQ.
Sweet Sixteen
No. 4 Gonzaga vs. No. 9 Florida State:
Final Score: Zags by Pinfall.
No. 6 Houston vs. No. 2 North Carolina:
Final Score: Cougars by Pinfall.
Elite Eight
No. 4 Gonzaga vs. No. 6 Houston: Mark Few is the David Lynch to Przemek Karnowski’s Frank Booth.
Final Score: Zags by Pinfall.
GONZAGA IS HEADED TO SAN ANTONIO!
Final Four
No. 2 Purdue vs. No. 1 Kansas: The most boring 30 for 30 is kind of about Kansas basketball. It’s about some guy named Reggie who buys the rules to basketball and brings them to Tornado Alley and they sing “Rock Chalk, Jayhawk” at the end. As the Young Indiana Jones said, “The Cup of Coronado belongs in a Museum!”
Final Score: Boilermakers by Pinfall.
No. 2 Cincinnati vs. No. 4 Gonzaga: The most exciting 30 for 30 will be the one about Cincinnati’s run to the NCAA Championship in 2018.
Final Score: Bearcats by Pinfall.
The National Championship Game
No. 2 Cincinnati vs. No. 2 Purdue: Mick Cronin will put Matt Painter’s shoulders down in the middle of the ring, 1-2-3, and the Bearcats are going to hoist Lord Stanley’s Cup.
Final Score: Bearcats by Pinfall.
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor