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I thought about picking up guitar this winter. I tried it. It hurt my fingers.
Instead, I decided to figure out the professional wrestling persona that most closely embodies every FBS college football program.
Originally, I was going to write a paragraph-long explanation of why I matched each program with each wrestler but I got lazy. And I got a deadline.
Uncurated, uncensored, and uncooked. Here is the official list of the wrestling persona of every FBS program.
AAC
Houston: Face
UCF: Heel
Tulsa: Heel that just blew a big push. That’s actually just a long winded way of saying “Baron Corbin.”
UCF: Heel henchman who puts over the face on free TV two weeks before his boss faces the same face on Pay-Per-View.
Temple: Heel that has just gotten over with the marks.
Tulane: Johnny Gargano
Navy: Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake
Cincinnati: Bob Backlund at Wrestlemania 9
UConn: Iron Mike Sharpe
East Carolina: Drew McIntyre
ACC
Clemson: Sycho Sid
Louisville: Sid Justice
NC State: Blackjack Mulligan
Wake Forest: Lord Steven Regal
Boston College: Mike Rotundo
Florida State: Bret Hart in WCW
Syracuse: Chainsaw Charlie
Miami: Rob Van Dam
Virginia Tech: Lex Luger at Wrestlemania X
Georgia Tech: Perry Saturn
Pitt: Scott Norton
Virginia: Tom Zenk
Duke: Billy Gunn on Tough Enough
North Carolina: Jay Lethal
Big 10
Wisconsin: Bret Hart at Wrestlemania XII
Ohio State: Bret Hart in 1997
Penn State: Mr. Perfect
Michigan State: Dolph Ziggler
Michigan: WCW Television Champion
Rutgers: Matt Morgan
Maryland: Nailz
Indiana: Jason Jordan
Northwestern: Lance Catamaran
Purdue: Zack Ryder
Iowa: Terry Gordy
Nebraska: The Red Rooster
Minnesota: Ryback
Illinois: Max Moon
Conference USA
Florida Atlantic and Florida International: The Singh Brothers
Marshall: Rhyno
Western Kentucky: Paul London
Middle Tennessee: Brian Kendrick
Old Dominion: Stunt Granny
Charlotte: Tom Stone
North Texas: Jim Brunzell
UAB: Brian Lee, SummerSlam 1994
Southern Miss: Jerry Lynn
Louisiana Tech: Dan Bandana
UT San Antonio: JC Ice
Rice: Bill Apter
UTEP: The West Texas Rednecks
Independents
UMass: Pete Doherty
Army: Dean Malenko
Notre Dame: Lou Thesz
BYU: John Johnson
Mountain West
Boise State: Tye Dillinger
Wyoming: Waylon Mercy
Colorado State: Rocky Mountain Pro
Air Force: Spirit Squad
Utah State: Abyss
New Mexico: Bob Davie
Fresno State: Chris Candido
San Diego State: House Show superstar
UNLV: PN News
Nevada: James Mitchell
Hawaii: Colt Cabana
San Jose State: Glass Joe
MAC
Central Michigan: Face
Buffalo: Heel
Akron: Dave Wills
Bowling Green: Keith Hart
Miami (Ohio): Johnny Ace
Ohio: OVW Champion
Western Michigan: “The Franchise” Shane Douglas
Kent State: Dean Douglas
Toledo: Jinder Mahal
Northern Illinois: The One Man Gang
Eastern Michigan: Directional Jabroni
Ball State: Waited on Jim Cornette at the Hyden, Kentucky Dairy Queen in 1994
Pac-12
UCLA: Face
USC: Heel
Oregon State: Affable Jabroni
Arizona: Face Jobber who gets the occasional win (AKA Barry Horowitz)
Stanford: HHH at Wrestlemania 12
Oregon: “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes at SummerSlam 1990 after Sweet Sapphire left him for the “Million Dollar Man.”
Washington: Roman Reigns at the 2015 Royal Rumble
Washington State: The Honky Tonk Man as Intercontinental Champion
Cal: Pat Patterson as Intercontinental Champion
Arizona State: Chadd 2 Badd
Utah: ECW referee
Colorado: Bart Gunn at Wrestlemania 15
Big 12
Baylor: Mr. Kennedy
TCU: Mr. Perfect at 1990 Royal Rumble
Oklahoma: Bruno Sammartino
Texas: Ric Flair in the WWF
West Virginia: Bill Dundee
Iowa State: Jamie Dundee on Jerry Springer
Kansas State: Bam Bam Bigelow
Texas Tech: Kevin Greene in WCW
Oklahoma State: CM Punk in WWE
Kansas: CM Punk in UFC
SEC
Georgia: Buff Bagwell
South Carolina: Strong Style
Kentucky: Brakkus at the Brawl for All
Missouri: Billy Corgan
Florida: Rugged Ronnie Garvin at Wrestlemania 5
Vanderbilt: Bill Watts
Tennessee: El Gigante
Alabama: Ric Flair during the 1986 Great American Bash Tour
LSU: Kane
Mississippi State: Jeff Jarrett in the NewBloods in WCW
Texas A&M: Booker T
Ole Miss: Colonel Robert Parker
Auburn: Randy Savage 1989
Arkansas: Randy Savage 1999
Sun Belt
Georgia Southern: Jobber
Texas State: Jobber
Coastal Carolina: Jobber
Idaho: Mulkey Mania!
New Mexico State: Jobber
South Alabama: Jobber
Louisiana-Monroe: Jobber
Troy: Indie Darling
Louisiana-Lafayette: Got a local boy push from Mid-South Wrestling in 1984 because Bill Watts was drawing flies on Tuesday nights at the National Guard Armory in Houma.
Georgia State: “Dr. Death” Steve Williams in the semi-finals of the WWE’s 1998 Brawl for All.
Arkansas State: Sir Mo.
Appalachian State: Teddy Hart
For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor