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Here at Down the Drive, we take pride in dressing up nicely. I come to our virtual office in a full tuxedo and Clayton is always dressed in his Sunday best. With such fashion-forward minds at our disposal, we thought we’d take to the important task of ranking the entire ranks of Division I college football by how nice/dope/sick/cool/positive adjective they are. Over the next five days we will reveal the full list, starting with posts 130-105 today aka the bottom 25. Spoilers: Clayton and I ended up having very different thoughts.
Clayton’s Bottom 25
In the off-season, I don’t get the satisfaction and acclaim that comes with picking every college football game correctly every week.
I find other ways to fill the void: Eating. Sleeping. Looking out the window.
This off-season, I have added a new hobby to my off-season regime. I have taken up the study of college football uniforms. Beyond my powers of prognostication, I have built myself up into a paragon of sartorial common sense.
From now on, I will also be known as the “Coco Chanel of College Football.”
To establish my bona fides, I have ranked all 129 FBS uniforms from worst to first. Let’s get started by talking terrapins.
130. Maryland: No matter what goofy design they try, the Terrapins’ uniforms are as consistently tacky as the psychedelic NASCAR flag that serves as the Old Line State’s standard.
129. Oregon: That poor duck of theirs has been clothed in some of the worst get-ups ever known to mankind. I would think a state as ecologically minded as Oregon would eschew animal testing.
128. Boise State: The only thing uglier than a blue and orange field is that same blue and orange slung over a pair of shoulder pads. Boise loses additional points for the Godfather horsehead on their helmet.
127. New Mexico: Too many italics.
126. Utah State: Home or away, they go with the all-one-color thing. This never works. I could have put many schools in this lowly position, but Utah State gets the booby prize because not one Aggies fan follows me on Twitter.
125. Fresno State: I assume that Judge Reinhold’s character in Fast Times at Ridgemont High spent three semesters at Fresno State.
124. Ball State: Like Miami Ohio’s uniforms, but with lower SAT scores.
123. Bowling Green: Appropriate that “bowling” is in the Falcons’ name since their orange and brown regalia is best suited for an evening at the lanes.
122. Buffalo: It is hard to mess up blue and white but the University of Buffalo found a way with the blobby and blurry characters it puts on its helmets and uniforms.
121. Hawaii: The Rainbow Warriors look like World Football League champions in their sherbet colored uniforms.
120. Akron: Zippy the Kangaroo gives me nightmares.
119. University of Texas-San Antonio: I’ve never been much for the Denver Broncos uniforms.
118. Louisiana Tech: Louisiana Tech’s uniforms strike me as the ones that “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan would pick out from the rack.
117. UAB: UAB’s uniforms would make a great label for a bottle of Sobe Energy Drink.
116. North Texas: It is green. It is not especially mean.
115. Charlotte: May have ripped their uniforms off from DeVry.
114. Middle Tennessee State: Too much blue too soon.
113. Miami (Ohio): their whole getup would look better in robin’s egg blue.
112. Northern Illinois: Kind of weird that the FBS program that’s closest to Northwestern dresses just like Northeastern.
111. Florida Atlantic: Florida Atlantic’s blue on white uniforms look like an ad for Philadelphia Cream Cheese.
110. Illinois: The orange and blue hasn’t looked like much since it clothed one Harold Edward Grange.
109: Western Kentucky: Big Red is Otto the Orange’s poor relation who don’t need no sunscreen.
108. Northwestern:
107. Oregon State: The best looking college football uniforms in Oregon.
106. Kansas: The Jayhawk mascot makes BC’s Baldwin the Eagle look like a Rhodes Scholar.
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Phil’s Bottom 25
I disagree with some of Clayton’s picks but I’ll defend to the death his right to publish them on the internet, specifically at Down the Drive. If he is the Coco Chanel of College Football, then I will nominate myself as the Rei Kawakubo. Here is my bottom 25.
130. Texas State: Maroon and gold is not a good combination.
129. UMass: MAROON ALERT.
128: New Mexico State: See 129.
127. Troy: The strong T logo in silver is nice. The predominantly maroonish color scheme is not so much.
126. ULM: A flashy Warhawk logo sets ULM apart from the rest of the bottom of the barrell maroon dominant duds.
125. Idaho: Take away the maroon and voila, you are not the worst uniform in the country. I also commend Idaho for its use of the color black.
124. Georgia Southern: Rice without the Owls.
123. Utah State: Georgia Southern with better road unis.
122. FIU: Navy blue is the maroon of the blue world. Without a lot of pomp and circumstance, it just looks bland.
121. Rice: Owls are neat.
120. Western Michigan: WMU has made strides to update its look (which relies on too much brown) by highlighting a very pleasant horse logo on the sides of helmets. Bonus points for the enlarged logo on brown and white versions.
119. Nevada: I don’t want to talk about Nevada for basketball reasons.
118. Western Kentucky: Pros: Silver helmets. Red instead of maroon. Unique nickname. Cons: Merely adequate use of red. Logo is a flag being waved.
117. Old Dominion: The Monarchs’ road uniforms are sharp. Their home uniforms are Rice without the Owls.
116. Georgia State: I suppose I can talk about Georgia State because of basketball reasons.
115. Army: Gold and black. Not too shabby, but still a little shabby.
114. Kent State: The Texas State of the blue and yellow world.
113. Ball State: Come for the red, black and striking Cardinal helmet, but leave when other teams do black and red better.
112. Indiana: The understudy to Oklahoma.
111. Louisiana: Ragin’ Cajuns is about as good a nickname as there is.
110. New Mexico: Lobos is a great nickname and the logo does it justice. Plus UNM has added some slick alternate jerseys and leaned into its red and black color scheme.
109. Tulsa: At times brilliant (blue jerseys with black helmets) but the usual gold helmets aren’t for me.
108. San Jose State: Royal blue and yellow make for a solid combination for the Spartans, but they still look like every generic college team used in a movie.
107. Miami Ohio: The RedHawks have had plenty of time to impress me since they play UC a whole bunch. I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.
106. Bowling Green: I’m an orange fan. The brown in the mix sours these for me though.
That’s it for part one. Check back in tomorrow when the next 25 will be revealed.