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The Coco Chanels of College Football: Ranking the Top 130 Uniforms in College Football Part Three

Do Wildcats wear Prada?

Louisville v Kentucky Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images

It’s day three of the Down the Drive official rankings of college football uniforms. In the first two days we learned about the color maroon and how it doesn’t feature for some schools, that Western Kentucky could have been higher and that we aren’t funny. So we’re right on schedule.

Here’s the next 25 for your reading pleasure.

Clayton’s Next 25

80. Texas A&M: Generally speaking, the Aggies look great in maroon and white. I’m penalizing them for doing goofy stuff with their helmet all the time. No need for that.

79. South Carolina: The Gamecocks look like a heel tag team in Stampede Wrestling.

78. South Alabama: The Jaguars look like a high school team in a district that threatens to drop sports every time the budget comes up for a vote.

77. New Mexico State: It’s a mighty long way down rock and roll, from the Liverpool docks to the Hollywood Bowl.

76. Louisiana-Lafayette: The Ragin’ Cajuns are ready for the runway when it says their nickname on their helmet. They’ve gotten cute of late, just sticking the fleur de lis any old place on their uniform. They have been duly punished.

75. Louisiana-Monroe: Louisiana-Monroe’s helmet looks like a Dr. Pepper can with an errant, Red Bull drinking bird squatting on both sides.

74. Coastal Carolina: Chanticleer eats too many Quest Bars.

73. Ohio State: The Scarlet and Grey looks great, but this outstanding uniform has always been cheapened by the proliferation of stickers on their helmets.

72. Georgia State: Reminiscent of Bud Light’s uniforms in Bud Bowl III.

71. Arkansas State: One time last night I almost bought an Arkansas State football jersey on Ebay for $9.92 plus $3.79 shipping. I decided to buy a Fairfield Stags basketball jersey instead for $3.27 with free shipping.

70. Troy: I think Brakkus of Brawl for All fame came down to the ring in a Troy Trojans uniform.

69. Georgia: I love dear little Uga but the Bulldogs’ uniforms are indistinguishable from 20 other schools that pair red and black while adopting a canine mascot. Maybe they did it first. I didn’t bother to look it up on Lycos. Either way, UGA does not do enough to distinguish itself from all the other schools that sell t-shirts that say something like “RED BLACK ONE PACK.”

68. Kent State: Kent seems to change their uniforms a lot. Many of them are Maryland awful. The only reason they rank this highly on the list is that they adopt a pseudo-San Diego Chargers helmet from time to time. It is an objective fact that the San Diego Chargers helmet is the most metal piece of headgear ever donned by professional athletes.

67. Kentucky: Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to do the trick.

66. Tulsa: Nice colors. Nice “Tulsa” in script. Not much of a mascot.

65. Rutgers: Good. In a moderately good way.

64. Florida State: Ostentatious helmet stickers make a mess out of an otherwise striking uniform.

63. UNLV: Reminds me of playing Off-Road at the arcade at the Glenns Falls shopping mall in 1988.

62. Vanderbilt: Every time I see a dude in a Vanderbilt football jersey, it reminds me of the kid who is crying in front of the stage at the end of the LCD Soundsystem documentary.

61. Old Dominion: Their name sounds like a cigarette. Their uniforms look like a box of cigarillos.

60. Air Force: If Sailor Moon did an episode about the San Diego Chargers, their helmets would look like Air Force’s.

59. Wisconsin: The red, the white and the Washington Senators ‘W’ is a solid but not elite uniform.

58. UCF: An attractive uniform, but basically a lesser version of Wake Forest’s.

57. Colorado State: Their fetching green helmet gets hobbled every autumn by frequently changing gold pants.

56. Nevada: I was very disappointed by Guy Ritchie’s King Arthur movie. I have never been disappointed by the Wolfpack’s blue and silver uniforms.

NCAA Football: Old Dominion at North Texas Ray Carlin-USA TODAY Sports

Phil’s Next 25

80. UTSA: Orange and navy is a good look. I also enjoy the UTSA over a map of Texas on the white helmets the Roadrunners rocked last season.

79. Charlotte: Another team with a sharp white helmet. Not a huge fan of some of the work done on the shoulder pads.

78. Penn State: Your one friend that wears the same thing no matter what.

77. Notre Dame: Rudy was offside.

76. Pitt: The Panthers should just switch to the navy blue matte helmets full time or the bright blue and yellow throw backs.

75. LSU: A classic, but not the best classic.

74. Houston: The Cougars and the Fresno State Bulldogs have similar color schemes and faced off in the 2017 Hawaii Bowl. Fresno State won, which earned it a higher spot on this list.

73. Wake Forest: The gold and black pattern on the shoulders of the Demon Deacons’ Belk Bowl uniforms was a highlight for a usually uninspiring collection.

72. Iowa: The helmet is the stand out. The Hawkeye logo is bold. Too much yellow on the pants though. Plus if you look too quickly, you’ll think you’re watching the Steelers and who wants that?

71. San Diego State: I like the red helmets and overall color scheme, especially with the Aztecs’ black alternates that they wore against New Mexico in November. Points off for the away uniforms with the red on the shoulders.

70. Florida State: Helmet logo design is top notch and I dig helmet stickers. Just can’t get past the maroon garnet.

69. California: #Nice

68. Toledo: The Cal of Ohio.

67. Virginia: I’ll have to check to see what UMBC’s uniforms look like before ranking UVA any higher.

66. Oregon State: Orange jerseys with black helmets are nice. Other combinations are not so much.

65. East Carolina: At their best, the Pirates rock a white helmet with purple pants. At their worst their is a lot of yellow going on.

64. Northern Illinois: Did you see the Huskies in the Quick Lane Bowl? Black matte helmets, all red jerseys, black pants. That is the dream. If those were their uniforms every Saturday, they’d be much higher.

63. Duke:

61. Fresno State: Congratulations on the Hawaii Bowl victory.

60. Utah: The Utes’ black alternate helmet looks like the Jimmy Johns’ logo, but the Utes have been changing it up more often which I like.

56. Washington State: Best combinations come when the Cougars mix in a lot of gray with the crimson serving as an accent.

59. Kentucky: Normally solid but got to a whole new level with the fantastic work during the showdown with Louisville this past fall. Silver helmet with blue stripes, dark gray uniform with blue checkered shoulders and all blue pants. More of that please.

58. Air Force: Blue lightning bolts are a top shelf logo. Everything else is just OK.

57. North Texas: The Mean Green have experimented with more black in their scheme which is never a bad thing. I’m particularly partial to the black uniforms with bright green trim.

56. Tulane: The angry wave is a treasure.


Part three is concluded. Come back tomorrow as we get ever closer to No. 1.