The Coco Chanels of College Football: Ranking the Top 130 Uniforms in College Football Part Four

We are nearing the end, my friends. On Monday Clayton and I set out to rank all 130 college football teams’ uniforms. We have made it through the first three phases of that endeavor and now we have reached the penultimate one. After today, the elite of the elite will be named. For now, here is the best of the rest.

Make sure to check out the first three episodes to get caught up.

Clayton’s Next 25

55. Army: Yes, these are nice uniforms, but not as nice as Navy’s. This is just as true of the uniforms of the actual Army and the actual Navy.

54. USF: Nice colors, but the Bulls’ logo looks like an ad for a franchise steakhouse.

53. Western Michigan: The bronzed bronco head looks much better than Denver’s or the one in Jack Woltz’s bed.

52. Wake Forest: The Deacon gives me nightmares, but the fellas from Winston-Salem always look sharp in their black and gold.

51. Toledo: When I hear the word “Toledo,” I envision Bruce Gradkowski playing on a Thursday night, looking like Brian Daubauch’s cellmate in a 1930s prison breakout film.

50. Purdue: Purdue Pete looks like the Big Boy’s grittier cousin. Everybody looks Mike Alstott handsome when they put on a Purdue uniform. Whether or not they can play like the “A-Train” is another question.

49. Texas State: As Santa said to Fireball in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, “not bad for a first try.”

48. Washington: According to my good friend Goldie Gopher, gold and purple are the colors of royalty. On weekends, she likes to lounge around the house dressed in a U Dub track suit.

47. Washington State: If I started a royal line, I would adopt red and silver as my colors and clothe my minions in Washington State’s lovely helmets and uniforms.

46. Eastern Michigan: Kind of a junior varsity version of Marshall’s uniform.

45. Stanford: Best Halloween costume I’ve ever seen was “Brent Musburger in a Stanford uniform.”

44. UMass: Who has had more influence on New Hampshire’s fashion: Lou Merloni or Kevin Youkilis? I called up the UMass SID the other day to ask his opinion. He had “no comment.” Actually he said, “Clayton, I’m too busy for this. Why don’t you go back on YouTube and watch an episode of Love, American Style and write a book report about it for all your Cincinnati friends who wonder why you are writing for a Cincinnati website.”

43. Appalachian State: Reminiscent of Army’s uniform, except for the Alvin and the Chipmunks ‘A’ on their helmet. Doo. Doo. Doo. Doo. Doo. Doo.

42. Houston: Houston’s simple, clean red and white uniforms are a good model for anyone looking to outfit a football team.

41. Central Michigan: The Chippewas’ maroon and gold are well suited for a long-sleeved t-shirt you intend to wear in public with a pair of corduroys. I loved the sound of my corduroy pants swooshing down the hallway as I walked back to geometry class after taking an unnecessary bathroom break right after attendance.

40. Southern Methodist: No sweeping exit or offstage lines/could make me feel better or treat you unkind

39. Temple: The “T” on the Temple helmet is my second favorite “T” logo behind the corn-colored, Larwence Tero-themed “T”s that filled my cereal bowls in the mid-1980s.

38. East Carolina: Every time I look at PeeDee the Pirate, I’m immediately ready to run through a brick wall for him.

37. BYU: Lavell Edwards knew how to wear a ballcap: low enough to keep the sun out of your eyes, but high enough to look you right in the eye.

36. Arkansas: I’ve always thought it was remarkable that Arkansas had the foresight to put Bret Bielema on its helmet.

35. Duke: Duke looks above average in its dark blue and white uniforms. I like that nearly airbrushed NASCAR t-shirt style script on the helmets too. That’s a little bit of North Carolina rubbing off on the research triangle.

34. Idaho: In a little town in Idaho, way back in ’61/ A man was frying burgers/gee it seemed like lots of fun/But to his friend the bun boy he confessed his misery.

33. West Virginia: Nice juxtaposition of yellow and dark blue. The Tetris lettering on the helmet is more Aleksei Kruchenyk than I like.

32. Mississippi State: The hallways of the Starkville, Mississippi Comfort Inn are painted up in maroon and white. I’m not much of a fan of the Choice Hotels chain, but I admire the school spirit. When it comes to Hotels, I am a Holiday Inn Express or a Hilton Garden Inn guy. That’s because I’m rich.

31. Southern Miss: They are always ready to rumble in their black and gold. I like Southern Miss. I like their fans. I am probably the most popular Cincinnati Bearcats blogger among Southern Miss club tennis boosters.

Rich Barnes-USA TODAY Sports

Phil’s Next 25

55. FAU:

54. UNLV: Remember when UNLV was trying to lure Mick Cronin away?

53. South Carolina: The Gamecocks brought the fire to the Outback Bowl this year, with black helmets. Keep these. Otherwise this is an average look.

52. Missouri: If you’ve ever created a team in a video game, the Missouri Tiger logo looks like the best pre-made one you can select. The black and yellow is good as well.

51. Ohio: Normally the clean green and white is solid. It was elevated during the 2016 MAC Championship game when an all-black alternate was utilized.

50. Georgia Tech: The third-best golden helmet.

49. Boston College: The second-best golden helmet.

48. Oklahoma:

47. Wyoming: Although the color scheme is pretty awful, the cowboy logo is dope.

46. Marshall: If you are going to have a different color on your shoulder pads, its best when its black.

45. Kansas State: More purple. College football needs more purple.

44. Stanford: The Cardinal red is nice but the black alternates are better.

43. Buffalo: Excellent blue and the Bulls also have black alternates and a black and white helmet I very much enjoy.

42. UCF: The 2017 National Champions have to dress well.

41. Texas A&M: The one instance where maroon actually works for me. Gig ‘em.

40. Colorado State: The ram design helmet is one of the best there is.

39. Nebraska: My uncle John says that Nebraska is America’s team.

38. Rutgers: Even if people don’t love Rutgers in the Big Ten, the Scarlet Knights do some great things with their uniforms. My personal favorite is the silver and red helmets.

37. Northwestern: MORE PURPLE!

36. Hawaii: Really stand out thanks to the design on the top of the helmet.

35. Ohio State: The red is excellent and helmet stickers are fun.

34. Maryland: Remember when Clayton ranked Maryland last? What an idiot.

33. Auburn:

32. SMU: The Mustangs have a strong color scheme, especially when they wear the all blues with red and white accents.

31. Syracuse: I actually find the navy blue with orange accent uniforms rather visually appealing. Odd for a team that is called the Orange. I also like the gray alternates, orange jerseys and white helmets. ‘Cuse just has a lot of great options.

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Part four is finished. Just one more day. See you tomorrow.