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Five Up, Five Down: HATS

Welcome to the rankings you didn’t know you needed.

St Louis Cardinals v Cincinnati Reds Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images

Do you have a head? I bet you do. That means I bet at some point in your life you have worn a hat. If you haven’t, perhaps you should give it a try.

“But what type of hat, specifically?”

That is an excellent question. Let us answer that for you.

Clayton’s Five Up

1. Top Hat

Be a somebody in a room full of nobodies.

2. Ballcap

Functional. Fashionable if it features the logo of a 1970s National League team.

3. Stetson

The perfect hat for a large man. It endows a man with a sense of gravitas. A sense that this man owns a lot of land as well as a cattle prod.

4. Visor

Looks resplendent on an SEC Saturday tucked around some Bama Bangs.

5. Boater

Honeymoon/Keep on Shining in June/Your silvery beams will bring love dreams

Clayton’s Five Down

1. The Fidel Castro hat

Every 20-year old who decides that this is their hat is a personality-free bozo.

2. Beret

Rusty: The European Tour

3. Pork Pie:

Ten dollars on a two-thousand dollar debt? This is the hat that French guys wear when they think they look like Harvey Keitel in Mean Streets.

4. John Bull

Has been ruined by the steampunk crowd.

5. Winter hat in the summer

The 15-year old’s version of the Fidel Castro Hat.

Johnny’s Five Up

1. Trucker

Cool in the back, beer company on the front.

2. Giveaway hats

Do you like the Denver Broncos and the cool taste of Pepsi? Great! They’re finally together, in hat form.

3. Toques

Keeps your ears warm without trying as hard as an Ushanka.

4. A lampshade

Classic party gag.

5. German Oktoberfest hats

The ones with the feather. Great for one month of the year (Rocktober).

Johnny’s Five Down

1. Fedora

Make another Subreddit about engineer jokes, you dork.

2. Pork Pie

Ska is not the answer in 2018, you dork.

3. Scally caps

You aren’t a longshoreman on strike during Prohibition, you dork.

4. A Fez

Matt Smith was a B+ Doctor, you dork.

5. Tam O’Shanter

This ain’t the Highlander, you dork.

Phil’s Five Up

1. Fitted

I am in the process of collecting a fitted of every MLB team (Yankees not included). I’m up to 12. The Padres and Orioles are next on my list.

2. Snapback

Only worn on off days.

3. Ushanka

Sometimes it gets cold and you need to look epic.

4. Beanie


5. Jeff Cap

My dad wears a Jeff cap from October through March.

Phil’s Five Down

In descending order, as always.

5. Bucket

These were hip in the early 2000s. It is no longer the early 2000s.

4. Fedora


3. Trucker

The official hat of 2003 Ashton Kutcher.

2. Visors

Sorry, college football coaches.

1. Those green transparent plastic ones that poker players and accountants wear in stock photos

Neither stylish nor functional.

Disagree with us? Let us know in the comments, on Twitter or via a FanPost. Also, if you want us to rank something specific next week, let us know.