:format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/60661251/481759349.jpg.0.jpg)
Do you have a head? I bet you do. That means I bet at some point in your life you have worn a hat. If you haven’t, perhaps you should give it a try.
“But what type of hat, specifically?”
That is an excellent question. Let us answer that for you.
Clayton’s Five Up
1. Top Hat
Be a somebody in a room full of nobodies.
2. Ballcap
Functional. Fashionable if it features the logo of a 1970s National League team.
3. Stetson
The perfect hat for a large man. It endows a man with a sense of gravitas. A sense that this man owns a lot of land as well as a cattle prod.
4. Visor
Looks resplendent on an SEC Saturday tucked around some Bama Bangs.
5. Boater
Honeymoon/Keep on Shining in June/Your silvery beams will bring love dreams
Clayton’s Five Down
1. The Fidel Castro hat
Every 20-year old who decides that this is their hat is a personality-free bozo.
2. Beret
3. Pork Pie:
Ten dollars on a two-thousand dollar debt? This is the hat that French guys wear when they think they look like Harvey Keitel in Mean Streets.
4. John Bull
Has been ruined by the steampunk crowd.
5. Winter hat in the summer
The 15-year old’s version of the Fidel Castro Hat.
Johnny’s Five Up
1. Trucker
Cool in the back, beer company on the front.
2. Giveaway hats
Do you like the Denver Broncos and the cool taste of Pepsi? Great! They’re finally together, in hat form.
3. Toques
Keeps your ears warm without trying as hard as an Ushanka.
4. A lampshade
Classic party gag.
5. German Oktoberfest hats
The ones with the feather. Great for one month of the year (Rocktober).
Johnny’s Five Down
1. Fedora
Make another Subreddit about engineer jokes, you dork.
2. Pork Pie
Ska is not the answer in 2018, you dork.
3. Scally caps
You aren’t a longshoreman on strike during Prohibition, you dork.
4. A Fez
Matt Smith was a B+ Doctor, you dork.
5. Tam O’Shanter
This ain’t the Highlander, you dork.
Phil’s Five Up
1. Fitted
I am in the process of collecting a fitted of every MLB team (Yankees not included). I’m up to 12. The Padres and Orioles are next on my list.
2. Snapback
Only worn on off days.
3. Ushanka
Sometimes it gets cold and you need to look epic.
4. Beanie
ONLY WHEN WORN DURING THE WINTER MONTHS.
5. Jeff Cap
My dad wears a Jeff cap from October through March.
Phil’s Five Down
In descending order, as always.
5. Bucket
These were hip in the early 2000s. It is no longer the early 2000s.
4. Fedora
Why?
3. Trucker
The official hat of 2003 Ashton Kutcher.
2. Visors
Sorry, college football coaches.
1. Those green transparent plastic ones that poker players and accountants wear in stock photos
Neither stylish nor functional.
Disagree with us? Let us know in the comments, on Twitter or via a FanPost. Also, if you want us to rank something specific next week, let us know.