Clayton Picks All the Week 4 Games Correctly: The #BeatOhio Edition

Great win for the Cincinnati Bearcats last week. Not my strongest week of picks. Ready to move on and ready to #BeatOhio.

This sure is fun, isn’t it? All this winning. Let’s keep it rolling.

Last Week: 7-7

Season to Date: 32-17

Our Game

Ohio (1-1) at Cincinnati (3-0)

The Ohio Bobcats are a well-coached, tough team. Frank Solich has his club prepared to compete in every game. They travel well. They are a model Group of Five program. But we are a Power Five program stuck in the Group of Five. This week and this season will be part of our move back into the big time. Expect Ohio to put up a hellacious fight but expect our pass rush and punishing running attack to be too much for the boys from Athens. The Cincinnati Bearcats will #BeatOhio.

Final Score: Cincinnati 31 Ohio 24

Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images

The Rest of the American Athletic Conference

Florida Atlantic (2-1) at UCF (2-0)

“Adam Smith’s Wealth of Nations describes human nature in the context of the exercise of economic power. Smith believes economic progress, the increase of the social standard of living resulting from the free market, is fueled by the division of labor and the expansion of production created by the specialization of economic tasks. Man’s self-interested nature endows him with a ‘trucking disposition,’ a natural inclination to trade. Trade is common to all of mankind and is not found in any other animals,” - excerpt from FAU coach Lane Kiffin’s Macroeconomics midterm paper.

Since Kiffin is, for the time being, a full-time employee of Florida Atlantic University, he gets to take one class each semester, free-of-charge. Lane figured an economics class would be a practical course for him to take this semester, since he’ll probably be out of work in the near future.

Final Score: UCF 42 FAU 7

Navy (2-1) at SMU (0-3)

Poor SMU.

Final Score: Navy 38 SMU 10

Tulane (1-2) at Ohio State (3-0)

Poor Tulane.

Final Score: Ohio State 41 Tulane 7

UConn (1-2) at Syracuse (3-0)

Poor UConn.

Final Score: Syracuse 38 UConn 7

East Carolina (1-1) at South Florida (3-0)

Billy Joel’s 1986 album The Bridge was his rockingest since Attila. It combines the studied spontaneity of Andrew W.K. with the sincerity of Andrew Gold. The Bulls combine a consistent running game with a bend-but-don’t break defense which will get the best of East Carolina.

Final Score: South Florida 28 East Carolina 17

Texas Southern (1-2) at Houston (2-1)

I wouldn’t want to be Texas Southern this week. I expect the Houston Cougars to put some Ezekiel 25:17 type stuff in this game.

Final Score: Houston 56 Texas Southern 0

South Alabama (1-2) at Memphis (2-1)

This one weekend, I got really into Boston Bruins legend Phil Esposito. This was a while back. Probably before Home Alone came out. I watched a documentary called Slap! Hockey, which I’ve never been able to find as an adult and which I had on video as a little boy. It had a whole big section on how great Esposito was at being really big and standing in front of the net and redirecting pucks past goalies for the B’s.

Apparently, I found the video quite inspiring. I took a black crayon and started writing “Phil E.” on everything I could in the house. On the wall, on the Crayola box, on paper plates, on myself, on every piece of paper in an unused composition book.

It was not well received in the Trutor household.

Final Score: Memphis 35 South Alabama 14

Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

The Rest of the Country

Texas A&M (2-1) at Alabama (3-0)

Alabama guard Ross Pierschbacher’s name says it all:

Ranking

Of

Southern

Schools:

Pine Bluff

Indiana Wesleyan

East Carolina

Rice

South Carolina

Clemson

Hampton-Sydney

Birmingham

Auburn

Chattanooga

Hardin-Simmons

Electrology Institute of Paducah

Radford

Final Score: Alabama 34 Texas A&M 17

Kansas (2-1) at Baylor (2-1)

My Cousin Reggie never returned his Little League uniform. He was on the Giants. Cousin Reggie turned his Giants jersey into his work uniform. He held one-man bottle drives on behalf of the local Little League every weekend and made enough money for himself to buy a silver 1985 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme.

Final Score: Kansas 38 Baylor 24

Stanford (3-0) at Oregon (3-0)

Speaking of my Cousin Reggie, he keeps a highlighter handy when he reads the “Day in Court” page in the Sunday newspaper. He likes to be up to date on what’s happening in the motor court. He also collects autographs. He goes door to door to get everybody to do their autograph right next to their conviction on the “Day in Court” page. He’s got a binder and a hole puncher and he puts that binder right on top of his TV and its pretty hot on top of his TV because he leaves his TV on all night because he says it helps him sleep.

Final Score: Oregon 20 Stanford 17

As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously.

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