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Making Picks for the Battle for the Victory Bell and the Rest of Week 2 in College Football

Ill-equipped to act with insufficient tact

Cincinnati v UCLA Photo by Harry How/Getty Images

In week one, Clayton hit big on a few (Cincinnati, Oklahoma, Notre Dame) and was not so great on some others (Kansas, Kansas, Kansas). To this week’s picks.

Week 1: 14-5

Season to Date: 14-5

Our Game

Cincinnati (1-0) at Miami Ohio (0-1)

We pound it with Michael Warren and we win this game going away. Let Mr. Warren carry the load this week and let’s get Gerrid Doaks healthy. We are going to ground and pound our way to another Victory Bell. Cortez Broughton and our suddenly all-world defense is going to hold the Redhawks in check all afternoon.

Final Score: Cincinnati 28 Miami Ohio 0

NCAA Football: Houston at Rice Maria Lysaker-USA TODAY Sports

The Rest of the AAC

TCU (1-0) at SMU (0-1)

I’d love to pick my good friends at SMU. I’d love to pick against their longtime rivals at TCU. But I’m trying to keep my head above water again this week.

Final Score: TCU 48 SMU 28

Arizona (0-1) at Houston (1-0)

Arizona is on the ropes after putting up a week one stinker against BYU. Expect the Wildcats to come out swinging but expect Houston to counterpunch its way rapidly to a TKO. Houston’s got the tiger uppercut, the sonic boom and the hadouken. Arizona’s just got some RPOs.

Final Score: Houston 45 Arizona 20

Georgia Tech (1-0) at USF (1-0)

Georgia Tech’s robust, veteran offensive line is going to seal off lanes for Taquon Marshall and the Yellow Jackets’ option offense all afternoon. Expect Tech to pile up 400 yards of rushing offense in a convincing road win against Longhorn Steakhouse.

Final Score: Georgia Tech 35 USF 22

UNC (0-1) at East Carolina (0-1)

I like ECU. I like Greenville. I like Pirates as a mascot. I like Scottie Montgomery. One time, I almost bought a Jeff Blake jersey on EBay. I don’t like ECU in this game. UNC is probably a little better than North Carolina A&T.

Final Score: UNC 42 ECU 20

Buffalo (1-0) at Temple (0-1)

If I was the governor of Pennsylvania, I would move my capital, Avignon Papacy-style, to the tracks at Penn National Race Track. There isn’t nothing to do in Harrisburg. At Penn National, you can bet on live harness racing from March through December. Not bad for the Northeast. More importantly, you can bet on the simulcasts they get from all the other race tracks around the country just about every day of the year. It’s not too far from Harrisburg either. Just 17 miles east of the state capitol building.

Final Score: Temple 51 Buffalo 0

Memphis (1-0) at Navy (0-1)

Don’t do me like that, Navy. Don’t do me like that, Zach Abbey. Not only did you embarrass me last week against Hawaii. You (Zach Abbey) made me lose my G5 fantasy football game. Actually, that’s not true. I forgot to check my lineup Saturday morning and had two empty slots on my roster.

Final Score: Navy 31 Memphis 28

South Carolina State (0-1) at UCF (1-0)

Cold spots. Cold spots on my grill. They are the bane of my existence. The Grill Grate, through its patented NASA technology or something, does away with cold spots, forever and ever. As long as old men sit and talk about the weather, I will be enhancing grilled flavor as drippings sear and sizzle into the meat.

Final Score: UCF 45 South Carolina State 10

Tulsa (1-0) at Texas (0-1)

After a rough opener against Maryland, the Texas Longhorns acquired free samples of Blue Chew. That should be enough to overcome the Golden Hurricane.

Final Score: Texas 34 Tulsa 20

Nicholls (1-0) at Tulane (0-1)

Tulane, Tulane, Tulane, Tulane

Final Score: Tulane 64 Nicholls 4

UConn (0-1) at Boise State (1-0)

Heightened mental awareness and altered states and ubiquity and footsteps in the dark and Leon Haywood and the Charmels and that blue field.

Final Score: Boise State 61 UConn 16

NCAA Football: Pac-12 Championship-Southern California vs Stanford John Hefti-USA TODAY Sports

The Rest of the Country

Mississippi State (1-0) at Kansas State (1-0)

I loved the way that Joe Moorhead’s Bulldogs made use of their running backs as receivers last week. With Nick Fitzgerald back in the lineup, expect MSU to carve Kansas State up with its expanded retinue of pass targets.

Final Score: Mississippi State 42 Kansas State 24

Kansas (0-1) at Central Michigan (0-1)

Kansas, you’ve been cast in this unlikely role. Kansas, you were ill-equipped to act with insufficient tact. Kansas, you must put up barriers to keep yourself intact.

Final Score: Kansas 21 Central Michigan 20

Iowa State (0-0) at Iowa (1-0)

Everyone can agree upon two things: 1) Iowa will win this game with great ease. 2) Toren Young and Iowa’s cadre of tailbacks will pummel their way through ISU’s front seven. Actually, let’s make that three things. 3) Iowa City’s best cheeseburgers can be found at Teddy’s Bigger Burgers on East Washington Street.

Final Score: Iowa 34 Iowa State 13

USC (1-0) at Stanford (1-0)

I watched the first half of the Stanford game last week at a House of Pizza whose name will not be mentioned. Their steak tips gave me indigestion. Very poor quality meat. I feel badly for the giraffe that had to die so that I might not enjoy my Saturday night supper. I did learn something at this pizza place though. A man in a sleeveless Saugus Sachems sweatshirt sold me a samovar situated somewhere south of the sausage sampler sitting on the counter. He also told me that Skybars are made by Necco, which he told me stands for the New England Confectionery Company. He only knows this because his Saugus Sachems play the Revere Minutemen next Friday night and he has to drive past the Necco headquarters on the way to Stackpole Field.

I walked home at half time. Watched the second half on my own TV. Picture was pretty good.

Final Score: Stanford 24 USC 21

UL-Monroe (1-0) at Southern Miss (1-0)

The Golden Eagles’ new quarterback, Jack Abraham, looked outstanding last week. Look forward to him sharpening his skills even further this week against an overmatched Monroe team.

Final Score: Southern Miss 38 UL-Monroe 17

This is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously.

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