In this wide-ranging discussion, we talk Kit Kats, sleeping in a tent, and shampoo.
Clayton Trutor (CT): Why are Kit-Kats the best candies on planet earth.
Bill Walton Posts (BWP): Now let me ask you something, what gives you the right to determine what is and isn’t the best? Are we not all individuals with the ability to actualize In our own way what is and isn’t best for us? Did Dave ask you to ask that question? He’s always acting like he knows best when we get together. I love Dave very much, he just sees things too flatly. There is so much more in the world. The beauty. Light. Smell. Sight of the birds cresting over the horizon. Those are my bests. And to answer your query about confections, I enjoy Reese’s peanut butter treats.
CT: Rank the Canadian provinces, using whatever criteria makes the most sense to you at this moment.
BWP: Do not ask me to separate and rank my children like this. The Great North is marvelous in its beauty. Banff! The Maritimes! Baffin Island! What magical places. Have you ever swam in the Arctic to Iqaluit? Let me tell you, it is pure exhilaration. To feel the cool waters as you come into the bay...that is existence my friend. Nunavut, what a place. What a destination. I will not be ranking any of these provinces. They are too precious to pick one over the other. PEI. Nova Scotia. Manitoba. BC. Wow. What a home and native land!
CT: Describe your first experience listening to the Howard Stern show.
BWP: I have never listened to Howard’s show although I’ve heard he is quite popular. Most days I meditate, listen to my mind, and fill my soul with the sounds of Jerry Garcia.
CT: Have you ever slept in a tent?
BWP: Have I ever slept in a tent? Let me ask you this sir, have you ever slept on the raw earth that exists beneath our feet? Have you ever drifted off to the land of slumber with a treat root under your back and a warm summer breeze washing over your chest? Why would I ever want to deprive myself of that wonderful treat? Feel this earth. Feel it every day!
CT: When you are shopping at a mall, which bag makes you feel the classiest as you are carrying it into the food court?
BWP: Sam Goody. Nothing can quite raise my spirits like finding new music. It opens my mind to new ways of thinking. Whenever I’m in Oregon I always make sure to go a day early and take an afternoon at the Sam Goody in Medford. What a place. Have you ever fallen in love with a record? Have you felt a deep connection that extends throughout the entirety of human existence with a piece of art. That is music, and my friend Sam always brings the goods.
CT: What is your shampoo of choice?
BWP: Head and Shoulders. Have you ever used that stuff? Dave can’t because he doesn’t have much hair, but he would love it if he did. Wow, what amazing stuff.
CT: Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood or The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?
BWP: Clayton, I don’t know what you’re talking about with this. But I do know that I love my sister Cathy. And if anyone has a sister, tell her you love her. You may only have the one so remember to cherish the moments that you have. We are all temporary, but love is eternal.
CT: How old does someone have to be to be an old person?
BWP: Age doesn’t exist, and I’m insulted that you’d ask. I’m the youngest I’ve been since I was playing for Coach Wooden at UCLA. I travel this world and I see so many people with young faces, fresh out of college, that feel so old. There is so much beauty in this world to check out and give up. Penguins! Pizza! First Love! Learning! There is so much to do and explore and so little time we have together on this celestial plane. I’m making the most of it, and I know you will too. Age? What is age but an insult to people like us.
CT: What’s your favorite Tom Hanks movie?
BWP: There’s never been a movie by Mr. Hanks that I didn’t like. What a thrill to watch him work. A true craftsman. A citizen of California. A true man by any metric. A lover of the CONFERENCE OF CHAMPIONS.
CT: What’s the worst kind of pickle?
BWP: There you go again with the negativity. Why can’t it be what is the best pickle? And to that I say, all of them. Pickles are the savory candy that weaves food cultures together. I can get a pickled cucumber at a deli in San Francisco. I can get pickled onions on a taco in Boyle Heights. I can get pickled radishes on the side in Koreatown. Look how wonderful and diverse pickles are. I say that pickles are an allegory for the best of humanity. No matter the color, no matter the background, pickles tie everything together and make people happy. We should all strive to be as inclusive and loving as pickles are of us.
Head on over to Reddit right now and check out u/BillWaltonPosts for more from the mind of the fake Bill Walton.