In this wide-ranging discussion, Walton talks about Egyptology, bowling shirts, and Clubber Lang.
Clayton Trutor (CT): Have you ever considered doing a one-man Broadway show?
Bill Walton Posts (BWP): Clayton, I would love nothing more than to perform a show by myself. I want to show the universe the ways in which macadamia nuts singlehandedly created human civilization. It’s wonderful. I just have no interest in performing on Broadway. I want to rebuild the Carousel Ballroom and make the walls sing with memories of shows gone by.
CT: What’s your favorite book?
BWP: Have you ever read books about astronomy? Do you ever let your mind wander into the cosmos? Fly past Neptune, beyond the Kuiper Belt and deep into the great beyond of space? It is a wonderful thing. I love my astronomy books. They take me across the universe. I’ve been to Jupiter. I’ve been to Andromeda. I’ve been to the horsehead nebula. Dave has his mind so grounded in earth that he forgets how majestic and pure the universe can be. CONFERENCE OF CHAMPIONS.
CT: Do you do your business indoors?
BWP: Of course I do. Is college basketball played outside? No it is not. I remember when they tried games on ships and that didn’t work. Because basketball is Meant to be played in gyms. Pauley Pavillion! Galen Center! MacArthuer Court! These are the places in which I work and create for the world.
CT: What musical instruments do you play?
BWP: I play the glockenspiel. Have you ever played the glockenspiel? What a neat instrument. A beautiful testament to German creativity. Did you know there’s a German race car driver named Timo Glock? Do you think he plays the glockenspiel? I bet he does. I bet he’s a multi-talented fellow. PEANUT BUTTER FOR ALL.
CT: Who would win in a fight: Ivan Drago or Clubber Lang?
BWP: I will not leave a comment about a violent confrontation. I do not think violence is the answer in any situation. There are better ways to solve problems than fists and kicks.
CT: Do you prefer air hockey or foosball?
BWP: I love air hockey. Floating! The little disc is floating. I love floating. It’s why I love my bike so much. It makes me feel like I’m floating across the land. Chewing through miles feels great. Don’t let Dave tell you differently. My bike is beautiful and so are you.
CT: Hawaiian shirts, polo shirts or bowling shirts?
BWP: I don’t much like shirts. I want to feel the air against my skin. The piercing winds of mother earth tingling against my body. That’s existence. That is feeling life at its fullest.
CT: What’s the most romantic tattoo you’ve ever seen?
BWP: I was once at a family reunion and there was professional wrestling on the television. What amazing athletes they are. There was one man, theyed called him the Undertaker. He was a big man with a big hat and had the name of his wife tattooed over his throat. How beautiful it is to put the name of your lover and partner on you forever. Love. A beautiful thing.
CT: Do you study Egyptology?
BWP: I love Egypt. What an amazing place. I study all things Egypt whenever I can. I’ve even climbed the great pyramid of Giza. Twice. Have you ever seen the sun rise over the desert while feeling the spirit of Khufu around you from atop one of the wonders of the world? You must Clayton. You must live that. It is a true renaissance of the soul. CONFERENCE OF CHAMPIONS.
CT: Have you ever been to Six Flags?
BWP: I don’t much enjoy amusement parks. We have a whole planet to wow us. Entertain us. Why would we need these steel machines to thrill? We have the whole universe Clayton. I think you should get out more and see it. Don’t be Dave. He just stays in. Go explore.
Head on over to Reddit right now and check out u/BillWaltonPosts for more from the mind of the fake Bill Walton.