As the internet’s best known arbiter of handsomeness, I have decided to update my 2016 list ranking the 128 handsomest coaches in college football by assessing the looks of the FBS’ 24 new head coaching hires. I have ranked them from No. 24 to No. 1, from least Diacoesque to most Diacoesque.
24. Dave Aranda, Baylor: Great personality
23. Karl Dorrell, Colorado: Rod Gilmoresque
22. Jeff Scott, USF: A possible Manning relation
21. Jeff Traylor, UTSA: Looks like a NASCAR crew chief.
20. Mike Leach, Mississippi State: Probably takes line-dancing a little too seriously.
19. Nick Rolovich, Washington State: Awaits his growth spurt.
18. Kalen DeBoer, Fresno State: Always seems to have the sun in his eyes.
17. Sam Pittman, Arkansas: Looks like an Arkansas fan who is always threatening not to renew his season ticket but pays in full by phone the day he gets the form in the mail.
16. Eli Drinkwitz, Missouri: Shouldn’t smile.
15. Todd Graham, Hawaii: Not unhandsome. Makes strange faces when he gets really into a Mike & the Mechanics song.
14. Jeff Hafley, Boston College: An unholy cross between Kliff Kingsbury and Kyle Shanahan.
13. Ryan Silverfield, Memphis: Something of an Andy Capp type.
12. Ricky Rahne, Old Dominion: Always has a look on his face like he wants to kick my ass specifically.
11. Mike Norvell, FSU: Ages like a fine wine. At age 32, he looked like a mop. At age 52, Coach Norvell has blossomed into a long and lithe Commodore in the Kenny Chesney Navy.
10. Brady Hoke, San Diego State: I would love to split a Rolling Rock with Brady Hoke. Bartender! Two straws, please.
9. Greg Schiano, Rutgers: Has a visage that resembles a Bald Eagle. Solidly built in the Teddy Roosevelt sense of the term. Looks less handsome when angry, which is often.
8.Jimmy Lake, Washington: Warm, avuncular. Would make a great television dad.
7. Marcus Arroyo, UNLV: A regular guy who stays in good shape.
6. Shawn Clark, Appalachian State: Reminiscent of a New Hampshire state trooper. A particularly handsome one.
5. Danny Gonzales, New Mexico: Looks a lot like Norm Bezio
4. Mel Tucker, Michigan State: Exudes confidence and virility.
3. Lane Kiffin, Ole Miss: Say what you will about him, but the man knows how to sport a visor.
2. Steve Addazio, Colorado State: To paraphrase the One Man Thrill Ride, handsome is officially happening in Fort Collins. The man knows how to fill out a polo shirt. Coach Addazio owns his maleness like few others in the coaching fraternity.
1. Willie Taggart, FAU: “Willie Taggart has a million dollar smile that makes million dollar smiles blush. If a head coach’s handsomeness can turn a program around, then expect Taggart and the USF Bulls to join Chad Morris and the SMU Mustangs in the AAC title game this December,” – Me, May 2015.