clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Jabba the Hutt is a Horatio Alger Story

JAPAN-US-ENTERTAINMENT-STAR WARS Photo credit should read YOSHIKAZU TSUNO/AFP via Getty Images

Since nothing newsworthy is happening in the world of Bearcats athletics at this time, I figured it was a good time to talk Star Wars.

The Top Five Star Wars Characters of All Time:

1. Jar Jar Binks

A homespun libertine.

2. Jabba the Hutt

A genuine Horatio Alger story. Jabba the Hutt did not make it on his looks, his charms, or his connections. He provides a valuable service in Tatooine’s informal economy and gets a bad rap from the Hollywood elites who run the Rebel Alliance.

3. Aunt Beru

In Tsarist Russia, noble families were rated in the Mestnichestvo, a book which ranked the social elites in a table that was nearly as elaborate as the BCS. If Mos Eisley had a Mestnichestvo, Aunt Beru would be its Patti Page.

4. The Jawas

An industrious merchant caste unfairly maligned by the moisture farming Kulaks of Tatooine.

5. Salacious B. Crumb

Jerry Rice to Jabba the Hutt’s Joe Montana.

The Bottom Five Star Wars Characters of All Time:

1. All of the New Characters Except Jar Jar Binks

They are all Natalie Portman in Garden State, which is a nice way of saying that all the characters in the post-Return of the Jedi era have conspired to ruin the Shins for me.

2. Uncle Owen

The Billy Packer of Tatooine.

3. Boba Fett

The Steve Prefontaine of the Star Wars galaxy. He was accomplished but in death has become critically acclaimed beyond his actual level of success.

4. Han Solo

A career criminal turned capital murderer who embraced sedition as a way to save his hide.

5. Yoda

Featured in the Netflix documentary Wild, Wild Country. Unwelcome in most dining establishments in The Dalles, Oregon.