I, the Miss Cleo of College Football, have made all the right picks over the past two seasons. I have also written a few one act plays as I’ve picked these games. To kick off the off-season, I have compiled several of them in this “best of” column for your enjoyment.
A One Act Play inspired by the 2015 East Carolina-UCF Game
Bristol, Connecticut, March 2015:
ESPN Executive #1: What a great Thursday night matchup. Two AAC contenders. One of them is bound to win the conference this year.
ESPN Executive #2: Yeah, we’re going to pull some big numbers. Probably an 11 or 12.
ESPN Executive #1: Wonder what kind of ceremony they are going to have for George O’Leary’s last home game at UCF. I bet they do it up big.
ESPN Executive #2: Big as the French’s Mustard I bought at Costco’s the other day. I been putting it on everything and I still got 200 ounces left.
ESPN Executive #1: Brush your teeth with it.
ESPN Executive #2: Already am.
ESPN Executive #1: Fill up your fish tank with it.
ESPN Executive #2: Already did. All my goldfish are dead and buried.
ESPN Executive #1: I don’t know what to tell you. Call Stu and see what he has to say.
A One Act Play inspired by the 2015 Memphis-Temple Game
Matt Rhule: I wish they had a Shoney’s near campus. I would go there for breakfast every day. I think we would be undefeated if we had a Shoney’s in North Philly. I would get so much strength from my $4.99 Shoney’s breakfast that I wouldn’t have taken my foot off the peddle against Notre Dame or forgot to come up with a game plan for USF.
Justin Fuente: We have two Shoney’s in the city of Memphis. I don’t even go to practice. I just spend all day driving between the Shoney’s on Covington Pike and the one on West Service Road. And we are still 8-2. I eat 5 Shoney’s breakfasts everyday and I still look great.
Matt Rhule: You sure do.
Justin Fuente: I know that. I don’t need flattery. But what you need is a Shoney’s in Philadelphia.
Matt Rhule: That’s not gonna happen in time for Saturday.
Justin Fuente: Let’s move the game to Memphis then. You and Me can have breakfast at Shoney’s Friday morning and Saturday morning. I will even pay both days.
Matt Rhule: Can I get two breakfasts?
Justin Fuente: You can get three if you want to. I’m made out of money.
One Act Play Inspired by 2015 Houston-UConn Game
Bob Diaco: I never been to Shoney’s. GNC is my grocery store.
Tom Herman: With God as my witness, I am going to make you go to Shoney’s next time you guys come to Houston.
Bob Diaco: I’ll go. It’s nice of you to invite me and the family.
Tom Herman: Who do you think I am, Jim Calhoun? I’m not made out of money. I didn’t invite your family. I just invited you, Bob. I thought we could play Stratego and nurse coffee refills all morning.
Bob Diaco: That’s a great idea. I’m not going to eat any of Shoney’s $4.99 breakfast platters which include two eggs your way; toast or English muffin; ham, bacon, sausage patties or links; and your choice of homefries or hashbrowns smothered in their signature ham gravy. I am going to eat a MetRx bar and drink up all their Sanka. I am going to do an interpretive dance based on the Battle of Vicksburg right in the dining room.
Tom Herman: Don’t do that when it’s your move. Only when it’s my move.
Bob Diaco: It’s a deal.
A One Act Play Inspired by the 2015 Navy-Tulsa Game
Tulsa Athletic Department Secretary: Yes, Coach Montgomery.
Philip Montgomery: Get Shoney’s on the line pronto. I want my eggs scrambled, my wheat toast mummified in margarine, my homefries drier than a California drought, and sausage patties. And I want them to put a move on bringing that to my office.
Tulsa Athletic Department Secretary: They don’t deliver sir. They used to but Charlie Weis would hack their computer system and have every order sent to his lair.
Philip Montgomery: Secretary, we’ll have to go ourselves. Pull the Batmobile around front.
A One Play Act Play Inspired by the 2015 Mississippi State-Arkansas Game
Rob Ryan: Fiddlesticks! I got fired!
Bret Bielema: Sorry to hear that Rob. Maybe if the Saints defense wasn’t last in the league in every category you’d still have a job.
Rob Ryan: Aw Heck. I think you’re right, Bret. Know of any open jobs?
Bret Bielema: Have I got the job opportunity for you!
Rob Ryan: You want me to be your defensive coordinator?
Bret Bielema: No. If you can’t stop the offenses in the NFC South, then you sure as heck can’t stop the offenses in the SEC.
Rob Ryan: Are you offering me the belly raspberry thing again?
Bret Bielema: I sure am. Until I beat LSU the other night, I thought I was a goner after the season. I picked up some part time work earlier this year, figuring there would be a transition time between jobs. Every afternoon, I’ve been sitting shirtless in a lawn chair outside the Exxon Station on Paris Road in Algiers, Louisiana. I let strangers give my belly a raspberry for $5 a pop. All profit. The guy who owns the gas station doesn’t even charge me. My belly brings him in at least five fill-ups every afternoon. I was making upwards of $70 a day. One time, Les Miles showed up and paid for a triple-double. He had three different recruits get two cracks each at my belly.
Rob Ryan: Is that an NCAA violation?
Bret Bielema: No. He cleared it with the compliance officer. Who is also one of my best customers.
Rob Ryan: OK, I’ll take it.
Bret Bielema: I just want ten dollars every day for chair rental.
Rob Ryan: Chair rental! This ain’t no barbershop. I’m not giving you 10 of my hard earned dollars every day.
Bret Bielema: Did I mention that this service station is across the street from a Shoney’s?
Rob Ryan: 10 dollars a day will be just fine. Shoney’s, here I come!
A One Act Play Inspired by the 2015 TCU-Oklahoma Game
John Gotti: Dearest Razor! Would you pass me a crumpet?
Razor Ramon: Yes, I will, Chico!
John Gotti: Have you read the Times Sunday Literary insert? There is an excellent short-story by Margaret Atwood
Razor Ramon: I saw it in an earlier stage. Margaret’s writing process is so precocious.
John Gotti: Shall we take in Turandot this evening?
Razor Ramon: I did not care for that recent production of Madame Butterfly we saw so I shan’t be at the theatre tonight.
John Gotti: Quelle Horreur! (Mr. Gotti takes lace handkerchief out of his pocket, dabs forehead vigorously)
A One Act Play Inspired by the 2015 UCLA-Utah Game
Edwin Snerd: Ha-Cha-Cha!
LCPL. Dwight Potter (Ret.): They don’t make cars like they used to. My daughter drives a Kia Sorrento.
Edwin Snerd: Ha-Cha-Cha-Cha-Cha!
LCPL. Dwight Potter (Ret.): I went for a ride last week in the Kia Sorrento.
Edwin Snerd: Hot Potato!
LCPL. Dwight Potter (Ret.): I went AWOL in ’43 and joined the circus. President Carter gave me an amnesty and a trophy.
Edwin Snerd: Twenty-three Skidoo!
LCPL. Dwight Potter (Ret.): Country Fried Steak tonight? Why did they fire Dan Rather?
Edwin Snerd: Goodnight and Good Luck!
LCPL. Dwight Potter (Ret.): I saw that Rambo movie. It was on the tv again.
Edwin Snerd: Do we get to win this time? (turns to himself). That’s up to you, John.
LCPL. Dwight Potter (Ret.): I don’t like the milkshakes at McDonald’s. They’re too thick.
Edwin Snerd: Eatin’ Good in the Neighborhood!
LCPL. Dwight Potter (Ret.): I was glad that I rejoined the Corps. They let us watch Desparado with the swears in it. I like ‘R’ Rated movies when they’ve got the swears.
Edwin Snerd: Watch me Nae-Nae!
A One Act Play Inspired by the 2015 Northwestern-Wisconsin Game
Michael Wilbon: I think Northwestern will win this game.
Player Piano: (responds with “Alexander’s Rag Time Band”)
Michael Wilbon: Wisconsin doesn’t have the weapons that we thought they did.
Player Piano: (responds with “Over There!”)
Michael Wilbon: Northwestern’s running game demands to be taken seriously.
Player Piano: (responds with “Some Enchanted Evening”)
LCPL. Dwight Potter (Ret.): Hey, I know that one!
A One Act Play Inspired by the 2016 Washington State-Oregon State Game
Mike Leach: A mortgage is a loan that provides consumers with conditional ownership of a piece of property or real estate in exchange for a predetermined set of payments, typically spread out over a long period of time. The vast majority of homeowners in the United States purchase their homes through a mortgage loan with a bank.
Stacy Keach: No, I disagree. I think a mortgage is a type of credit score created by the Fair Isaac Corporation.
Mike Leach: You are incorrect. That is a FICO score. Lenders use the FICO scores of borrowers to assess their credit risk. FICO scores take into account different aspects of a person’s credit history, including their payment history, current indebtedness, and the length of their credit history.
Stacy Keach: Why the heck not? You are Mr. Subprime Mortgage if you ask me, bub.
Mike Leach: You don’t even know what that is!
Stacy Keach: Sure I do. It’s the practice of loaning money at higher interest rates to people who may have difficulty maintaining their repayment schedule. The 2007-2008 housing market crisis that is depicted in The Big Short arose from the pooling of subprime mortgages into mortgage-backed securities.
Mike Leach: So you do. Let’s kiss.
A One Act Play Inspired by the 2016 Cincinnati-UCF Game
7 PM. Last Saturday Night. The Richard E. Lindner Center.
Tommy Tuberville: Did you know that Kate Middleton’s grandmother worked as a code-breaker during World War II?
Mike Bohn: No, but I read that Claudia Wells won the role of Marty McFly’s girlfriend, Jennifer Parker, the day she graduated from high school.
TT: Of course I know that. I read that in Closer magazine, which is available on newsstands for a mere $3.99. Claudia says that Michael J. Fox was a great kisser.
MB: I know that from first-hand experience. Alex P. Keaton and I smooched between scenes during the filming of Bright Lights, Big City. I was his stunt-man.
TT: Yeah, well, Scandal star Kerry Washington and Nnamdi Asomugha are pregnant again.
MB: Dudes aren’t pregnant, Tee. Saying that dudes are pregnant cheapens the miracle of life and stuff.
TT: You’re right. Let’s find an internet café.
MB: It’s got to be a new place. That Starbucks on Vine Street don’t let us arm wrestle no more.
TT: I am going to go back there. It don’t matter to me what some barista has to say about us locking wrists.
MB: I do. I plan to be around these parts for a while, son.
TT: Go to Hell! Get a Job! Get a Job!
A One Act Play Inspired by the 2016 Washington-Washington State
6 AM, Day after Christmas.
Mike Leach: Paul Sorvino thinks of himself as a Renaissance Man. In addition to his many tough guy roles, he is an accomplished author, sculptor, painter, poet, and opera singer.
Paul Sorvino: (throws some clothes on in the dark.) Xena star Lucy Lawless had lifeless locks until she started using Thicker Fuller Hair Instantly Thick Serum, which can be purchased at Target for around $6.
ML: Fiber is almost magical as a solution for constipation.
PS: One look at you and I can’t disguise that I’ve got hungry eyes. Fiber, as you were saying, can curb your appetite like nobody’s business.
ML: I can’t wait to see the episode of Hart to Hart that Cozi TV showed last Monday at 9 PM. In this episode, Max’s nephew is one of the top players for Westcliff College’s basketball team. During a key game, Campus Security follows up on a tip and finds two kilos of cocaine in his locker. Max contacts the Harts and they go undercover at the college.
PS: Mom and Dad went down to Charlotte.
ML: I feel the magic between you and I.
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, look me up on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor