Bearcats still got a lot to play for. Or something.
Last Week: 8-6
Season to Date: 124-67
UConn (Diaco-esque) at Cincinnati (Tuberville-esque): Both of these teams got humiliated last week. Thankfully, only one of them will be humiliated this week. Cincinnati is going to send its seniors off the right way.
Final Score: Cincinnati 31 UConn 24
The Rest of the AAC
Navy (6-4) at Houston (6-4): “One good thing about music, when it hits, you feel no pain”- was an inspirational quote attributed to Bob Marley in the issue of Reader’s Digest I read at my dentist’s office last week. This wins the award for the most asinine thing that has ever been said by anyone.
Final Score: Houston 42 Navy 35
South Florida (9-1) at Central Florida (10-0): Knights head coach Scott Frost is going to enroll in Spring classes at UCF this week, making him eligible for Saturday’s game against USF in my imaginary universe where Kobe Bryant holds the intercontinental championship and lives in a helicopter named seven. Scott Frost is going to play both ways: at his college position of quarterback and his NFL position of safety. He is going to throw for 300, run for 200, make 100 tackles, and 0 interceptions, good for 700 points in skeeball and five prize tickets. Scott Frost, for your information, Mom, is saving up his tickets toward a nerf turbo football.
Final Score: UCF 82 South Florida 81
Tulane (5-6) at SMU (6-5): There is no better place to watch an SMU football game than Milo Butterfingers, a Dallas institution since 1974. Milo has five dollar domestic pitchers on SMU gamedays and five dollar fiesta nacho specials after 4 PM. If you find yourself in University Park, head on over after SMU wins.
Final Score: SMU 38 Tulane 37
East Carolina (3-8) at Memphis (9-1): When I was growing up, there were two kinds of guys in my neighborhood. When I say guys, I mean men over the age of thirty. Anybody younger than that was a kid. As I was saying, two kinds of guys in my neighborhood: guys who liked the country station and guys who liked the Classic Rock station. The country guys liked trucks a little bit too tall for their French Canadian blood. The classic rockers always went with the fastest red car that GMAC would finance for them. Country guys addressed you as “son.” Classic Rockers called you “brother,” Hulk Hogan style. Country guys got really into the goatee. Classic Rockers stuck with the mustache. Country guys wear their sunglasses over the visor of their duck-billed ball caps. Classic Rockers don’t need a hat. The chicks dig their locks. In spite of all their differences, Country guys and Classic Rockers agreed on one thing. They agreed that Rap sucks and it’s not real music. The kids these days, they told me, they don’t know about any real bands. The country guys would then go off about all the great stuff out there these days: Brooks-n-Dunn, Garth Brooks, George Strait, Alabama. The Classic Rock guy would say they don’t make good music no more. You gotta hold on tight to the classics like ELO, BTO, and Boston. I can’t disagree with either group of guys on much of anything. Except for Boston. They are the worst band of all time.
Final Score: East Carolina 42 Memphis 35
Temple (5-6) at Tulsa (2-9): If you want to go for the best escalator ride of your life, head to the Woodland Hills Mall in Tulsa. This place is four levels high. When I’m in Tulsa, I ride the escalators at Woodland Hills like Woody Guthrie rode the rails during the Depression.
Final Score: Temple 23 Tulsa 20
The Rest of the Country
Georgia (10-1) at Georgia Tech (5-5): Little Uga sure loves going for rides in that nice car that Tech has, the Rambling Wreck. He can’t go for no rides this week though. He’s got to keep that on the downlow. Don’t tell Uga but I’m going to get him a miniature Rambling Wreck for Christmas.
Final Score: Georgia 31 Georgia Tech 28
Alabama (11-0) at Auburn (9-2): Alabama’s going to win by a lot. If they don’t, I will offer everyone a coupon for $20 off any purchase over $250 at the Gahannia, Ohio Arby’s anytime after 11 PM on a Sunday night.
Final Score: Alabama 35 Auburn 17
Ohio State (9-2) at Michigan (8-3): The people in Columbus, Ohio like to think of their town as the adopted hometown of Eddy Arnold, “The Ambassador of Country Music.” Eddy Arnold has sure had a lot of chart hits. Several of them are available on a compilation called Several of Eddy Arnold’s Chart Hits, coming soon to the CD/DVD bin near Register 3 at the Mascway Avenue Dollar General, once Glenn gets off his smoke break and finally gets something accomplished this morning.
Final Score: Michigan 21 Ohio State 20
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor