As the internet’s best known arbiter of handsomeness, I have decided to update my 2016 list ranking the 128 handsomest coaches in college football by assessing the looks of the FBS’ 20 new head coaching hires. I have ranked them from No. 20 to No. 1, from least Diacoesque to most Diacoesque.
20. Randy Edsall, Connecticut: UConn has replaced prime rib with some leftover chuck steak. Conversely, Lincoln, Nebraska sure got a lot handsomer with the addition of Bob Diaco as the Cornhuskers’ new defensive coordinator.
19. Tim Lester, Western Michigan: The handsomest man in the history of Kalamazoo, Michigan.
18. Jay Norvell, Nevada: Has the number 3 tattooed on one bicep and the Winston Cup logo tattooed on the other. Has qualified for the Chase in each of the last three seasons. Thinks Alex Jones spends too much time worrying about the Bilderberg Group and not enough time worrying about how the restrictor plate is secretly spreading Communism.
17. Tom Herman, Texas: I look at this guy and I just don’t trust him. It’s in the eyes. My friends over at the Scott and Holman Pawdcast could speak to this at length. This guy just gives me the creeps.
16. Tom Allen, Indiana: Wears his sunglasses indoors but otherwise takes his sartorial cues from the opposing head coaches in Hoosiers.
15. Luke Fickell, Cincinnati: Equinely Cena-esque. Not fetching but clearly fecund.
14. Geoff Collins, Temple: A lateral move for Temple in the looks department. Collins was significantly handsomer than his boss at Florida, Jim McElwain, but that isn’t saying much.
13. Matt Rhule, Baylor: Ja-Rule look alike. The reeling Baylor Bears program is lucky to have snatched up this fine, class act of a coach.
12. Mike Sanford, Western Kentucky: Should grow his hair out on the sides. It would give his ears something to do.
11. Major Applewhite, Houston: Played Snake on Degrassi Junior High.
10. Butch Davis, Florida International: Looks more like Mark Hamill every day.
9. Justin Wilcox, Cal: A strawberry blonde Victor Mature.
8. Shawn Elliott, Georgia State: Like Karl Malden, but with a set of baby blues that could narfle the garthok.
6. Ed Orgeron, LSU: Not classically handsome, but virile and charismatic as all get-out. The one man on this list that could get almost any one on God’s green earth excited enough to run through a brick wall for him.
5. Lane Kiffin, Florida Atlantic: Say what you will about him, but the man knows how to sport a visor.
4. Jeff Brohm, Purdue: Underrated NFL quarterback with an understated aesthetic appeal. A proportional, steady character who looks like what the deceptively handsome Matt Ryan will in 15 years.
3. Charlie Strong, South Florida: A genuinely great coach who just turned out to be the wrong fit at Texas. Win, lose or draw, Charlie Strong looks like he was chiseled from granite.
2. Willie Taggart, Oregon: “Willie Taggart has a million dollar smile that makes million dollar smiles blush. If a head coach’s handsomeness can turn a program around, then expect Taggart and the USF Bulls to join Chad Morris and the SMU Mustangs in the AAC title game this December,” – Me, May 2015. I am pulling for Coach Taggart in Oregon. He did an outstanding job at South Florida. Thankfully, he is no longer in our conference.
1. Brent Brennan, San Jose State: Your typical Daniel Day Lewis tall, dark and handsome Celtic dreamboat.
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor