Clayton Picks All the Week Five Games Correctly: The MC Hammer Edition

As the Cincinnati Bearcats continue their winning ways, so do I.

Last Week: 10-4

Season to Date: 42-21

Our Game

Cincinnati (4-0) at UConn (1-3)

“To whomever thinks he is the king, the prince or whatever of hip-hop, M.C. Hammer is in effect and will take all titles one at a time or all at once” – M.C. Hammer, liner notes of Feel My Power, his 1988 debut album.

Final Score: Cincinnati 36 UConn 7

Justin Ford-USA TODAY Sports

The Rest of the American Athletic Conference

Memphis (3-1) at Tulane (1-3)

The 1988 birth of Billy Idol’s son greatly affected his songwriting. “In the past, I’ve always wanted to sing about hurt rather than love. I’m not like that all the time anymore. And my music is changing as I am,” he told People Magazine in 1989.

Final Score: Tulane 42 Memphis 17

Temple (2-2) at Boston College (3-1)

Cincinnati Reds legend and Casper, Wyoming native Tom Browning is a big Temple Owls fan. He collects Nintendo games, or at least he did in 1991 when he spoke to the editors of the Cincinnati Reds’ yearbook. I collect Nintendo games, too. Actually, I collect Nintendo game. I am hording copies of Blades of Steel in hopes that it has a Tecmo Super Bowl style renaissance. I plan to dominate the future of Blades of Steel since I have a corner on the market. Also, I think microbrews are stupid and I think Special K with the dried berries is awesome.

Final Score: Boston College 45 Temple 21

Pittsburgh (2-2) at UCF (3-0)

The Jerry Reed Thanksgiving Invitational Soccer Tournament attracts teams from throughout the world. Several teams from Orlando have competed in the tournament. Soccer teams from Pittsburgh are too la-di-da for the Snowman’s soccer tournament.

Final Score: Pittsburgh 31 UCF 30

Old Dominion (1-3) at East Carolina (1-2)

Gurgling analog synthesizers. Beatbox grooves. A few skits. And a hot tub full of alka seltzer. Sounds like a typical Saturday night in Greenville, North Carolina.

Final Score: East Carolina 35 Old Dominion 24

Houston Baptist (1-2) at SMU (1-3)

Jerry Ball is an all-purpose tough guy. Before starring at SMU, Ball was a standout at West Brook High School in Beaumont, Texas. While Ball made his name at the collegiate and professional levels as a massive, pile moving defensive lineman, he gained the notice of college scouts playing two other positions. Ball earned all-district honors as a fullback and linebacker in his senior year with the West Brook Bruins. Ron Meyer recruited Ball to SMU to play fullback, but soon converted the 6’1, more than 300 pound Beaumont-native to nose tackle. The move proved advantageous for both Ball and the Mustangs. Ball earned All-Southwest Conference honors on three occasions (1984-1986).

Ball led the 1984 SWC co-champion Mustangs in tackles. He served as team captain in his senior year and is currently ranked fourth in career sacks at SMU. The Detroit Lions selected Ball 63^rd overall in the third round of the 1987 NFL Draft. He used his size, strength and tenacity to develop into one of the league’s premier defensive lineman soon after his entry into professional football. Ball commanded double-teams throughout his career, freeing up other tacklers to bottle up opposing offenses.

Ball earned Pro Bowl honors on three consecutive occasions (1989-1991). He helped lead the 1991 Detroit Lions to the NFC Championship Game, where they lost 41-10 to the Washington Redskins, who went on to win Super Bowl XXVI. On the previous weekend, the Lions’ defense stymied the soon-to-be dynastic Dallas Cowboys in the NFC divisional playoffs 38-6.

Final Score: SMU 62 Houston Baptist 8

Joe Maiorana-USA TODAY Sports

The Rest of the Country

BYU (3-1) at Washington (3-1)

Matt Patricia ate a month full of sundaes.

Final Score: Washington 35 BYU 24

Ohio State (4-0) at Penn State (4-0)

Karaoke=Phil Collins. OK? If you don’t know what to sing, sing some Phil Collins.

Final Score: Penn State 32 Ohio State 17

Stanford (4-0) at Notre Dame (4-0)

Ian Book’s not half bad. I think Notre Dame will win.

Final Score: Notre Dame 28 Stanford 17

As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously.

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