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Assessing the Handsomeness of College Football’s 27 New Head Coaches

Ranked from least Diacoesque to most Diacoesque.

Utah State v Boise State Photo by Loren Orr/Getty Images

As the internet’s best known arbiter of handsomeness, I have decided to update my 2016 list ranking the 128 handsomest coaches in college football by assessing the looks of the FBS’ 27 new head coaching hires. I have ranked them from No. 27 to No. 1, from least Diacoesque to most Diacoesque.

Click on the hyperlinks on each coach’s name for the handsomest picture I could find of them.

27. Ryan Day, Ohio State

A mildly demonic barrelchest with noodle arms.

26. Jim McElwain, Central Michigan

Looks like a trustworthy shoe salesman. Brings the best attributes of the used car lot to Famous Footwear.

25. Scott Loeffler, Bowling Green

Delicate chin. Would benefit from a late 90s tech sector goatee.

24. Eli Drinkwitz, Appalachian State

Shouldn’t smile.

23. Chip Lindsey, Troy

An everyman whom you would pick to be your neighbor. Carries himself like the Venus of Willendorf.

22. Neal Brown, West Virginia

Looks like a cross between Jeff Tweedy and a college freshman who is unprepared for his presentation in English Composition.

21. Rod Carey, Temple

Unassuming claims adjuster type who wears his Allstate insurance polo shirt after hours.

20. Hugh Freeze, Liberty

Gets all bloated after an all-appetizer dinner at TGI Fridays. Around Lynchburg, he is already known as “Mr. Dropsy”.

19. Will Healy, Charlotte

Probably interned for Clay Travis.

18. Chris Klieman, Kansas State

A knock off Bill Stewart.

17. Scott Satterfield, Louisville

Might have been the guy in the Progressive insurance ad that went to the nightclub and ordered a round of jalapeno poppers for his buddies.

16. Thomas Hammock, Northern Illinois

Pleasant enough.

15. Mel Tucker, Colorado

Always has that look on his face like someone in sales cooked fish in the microwave.

14. Jake Spavital, Texas State

God didn’t give him much but the Good Lord blessed him with a Miss America smile.

13. Tom Arth, Akron

Combines the lesser attributes of two decidedly handsome men: Coach Taylor and Sam Bradford.

12. Gary Andersen, Utah State

Skeletal but not statuesque. Lord Steven Regal craggy and Erskine Caldwell hard.

11. Mike Houston, East Carolina

Looks like he’s lost a few fights. Subtle taste in sport coats.

10. Tyson Helton, Western Kentucky

A little too tall, could have used a few pounds.

9. Mike Locksley, Maryland

Always tries to put on a stern face but he is one zerbert away from getting a case of the sillies.

8. Dana Holgorsen, Houston

His picture belongs next to a Florida Man headline.

7. Walt Bell, UMass

Walt Bell has the hieratic decorum of the Nefertiti statue and the haircut of a rogue cop.

6. Manny Diaz, Miami

Great tan. Beautiful head of hair. Looks much better with a beard. A little on the short side for my taste.

5. Geoff Collins, Georgia Tech

Looks like a 30ish college quarterback who just quit baseball after 11 seasons in the Minor Leagues.

4. Les Miles, Kansas

Les Miles is a handsome man. He is a sturdily built fellow with an infectious smile and vacuous blue eyes. There is something simultaneously profound and buffoonish about the man. And that something is downright irresistible.

3. Mack Brown, UNC

A classic southern gentleman with a Druid Hills head of hair and a University Park smile.

2. Jamey Chadwell, Coastal Carolina

A quintessential BMOC. When this tall, dark and handsome guy walks into the room, you know that he is a somebody,

1. Matt Wells, Texas Tech: Long and lean Marlboro man type who has the perfect look for a Texas Tech coach.

As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor