As the internet’s best known arbiter of handsomeness, I have decided to update my 2016 list ranking the 128 handsomest coaches in college football by assessing the looks of the FBS’ 27 new head coaching hires. I have ranked them from No. 27 to No. 1, from least Diacoesque to most Diacoesque.
Click on the hyperlinks on each coach’s name for the handsomest picture I could find of them.
27. Ryan Day, Ohio State
A mildly demonic barrelchest with noodle arms.
26. Jim McElwain, Central Michigan
Looks like a trustworthy shoe salesman. Brings the best attributes of the used car lot to Famous Footwear.
25. Scott Loeffler, Bowling Green
Delicate chin. Would benefit from a late 90s tech sector goatee.
24. Eli Drinkwitz, Appalachian State
23. Chip Lindsey, Troy
An everyman whom you would pick to be your neighbor. Carries himself like the Venus of Willendorf.
22. Neal Brown, West Virginia
Looks like a cross between Jeff Tweedy and a college freshman who is unprepared for his presentation in English Composition.
21. Rod Carey, Temple
Unassuming claims adjuster type who wears his Allstate insurance polo shirt after hours.
20. Hugh Freeze, Liberty
Gets all bloated after an all-appetizer dinner at TGI Fridays. Around Lynchburg, he is already known as “Mr. Dropsy”.
19. Will Healy, Charlotte
Probably interned for Clay Travis.
18. Chris Klieman, Kansas State
A knock off Bill Stewart.
17. Scott Satterfield, Louisville
Might have been the guy in the Progressive insurance ad that went to the nightclub and ordered a round of jalapeno poppers for his buddies.
16. Thomas Hammock, Northern Illinois
15. Mel Tucker, Colorado
Always has that look on his face like someone in sales cooked fish in the microwave.
14. Jake Spavital, Texas State
God didn’t give him much but the Good Lord blessed him with a Miss America smile.
13. Tom Arth, Akron
Combines the lesser attributes of two decidedly handsome men: Coach Taylor and Sam Bradford.
12. Gary Andersen, Utah State
11. Mike Houston, East Carolina
Looks like he’s lost a few fights. Subtle taste in sport coats.
10. Tyson Helton, Western Kentucky
9. Mike Locksley, Maryland
Always tries to put on a stern face but he is one zerbert away from getting a case of the sillies.
8. Dana Holgorsen, Houston
His picture belongs next to a Florida Man headline.
7. Walt Bell, UMass
Walt Bell has the hieratic decorum of the Nefertiti statue and the haircut of a rogue cop.
6. Manny Diaz, Miami
Great tan. Beautiful head of hair. Looks much better with a beard. A little on the short side for my taste.
5. Geoff Collins, Georgia Tech
Looks like a 30ish college quarterback who just quit baseball after 11 seasons in the Minor Leagues.
4. Les Miles, Kansas
Les Miles is a handsome man. He is a sturdily built fellow with an infectious smile and vacuous blue eyes. There is something simultaneously profound and buffoonish about the man. And that something is downright irresistible.
3. Mack Brown, UNC
A classic southern gentleman with a Druid Hills head of hair and a University Park smile.
2. Jamey Chadwell, Coastal Carolina
A quintessential BMOC. When this tall, dark and handsome guy walks into the room, you know that he is a somebody,
1. Matt Wells, Texas Tech: Long and lean Marlboro man type who has the perfect look for a Texas Tech coach.
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor