John Brannen is the embodiment of tall, dark and handsome. He is a Cary Grant, a Clark Gable, a Cesar Romero.
He is going to make Cincinnati over into an offensive juggernaut and he is the guy in high school that you most wanted to sign your yearbook and carry your books down the hall for you.
Brannen joins a Cincinnati program which has an illustrious history of hiring handsome head coaches.
Let’s look back at the five most debonair, dashing and drop down gorgeous coaches in Cincinnati Bearcats men’s basketball history.
5. Walter Van Winkle (1937-1938; Zodiac sign: Leo; Favorite Backstreet Boy: Kevin [of course]): Former minor league baseball player Walter Van Winkle led the Bearcats to a 12-5 record in 1938-1939. More importantly, he was a major league talent when it came to being handsome.
4. Ed Jucker (1960-1965; Zodiac sign: Gemini; Best Known for: Being the Greatest Basketball Coach in Cincinnati History): Despite taking over the year after Oscar Robertson graduated, Ed Jucker won two national championships with the Cincinnati Bearcats. Just as impressively, Jucker won a million hearts in mono, made our mothers cry, sang along, who’d blame them. Jucker could fill out a suit like nobody’s business. He had a smile worthy of a Trident commercial and a voice made for morning radio.
3. Russ Eaton (1910-1914; Zodiac sign: Virgo; Nickname: “Russy”): Mustachioed, bowler capped and lithe, Russ “Russy” Eaton was known to climb the flagpole at city hall and then hold himself aloft like Old Glory, using his D.K. Metcalf-like abdominal muscles to wave in the wind. “Russy” knew all the hot spots and would foxtrot like Don Knotts with every eligible Gibson Girl that represented the 513 before there were even area codes.
2. Gale Catlett (1972-1978; Zodiac sign: Libra; Historical Figure He’d Most Like to Have Dinner With: David Duchovny): Gale Catlett enjoyed a highly successful coaching career at both Cincinnati and his alma mater, West Virginia. In spite of this, he always looked more like the TV movie version of a retired NFL quarterback trying to make it right with his estranged father.
1. Ed Badger (1978-1983; Zodiac sign: Scorpio; Favorite Gas Station Chain: Getty): Things did not go so well for the Bearcats during Ed Badger’s tenure. The Bearcats fell to the back of the pack in the Metro Conference on Badger’s watch. That didn’t make the former Chicago Bulls headman any less handsome. Badger’s silky black hair was made for the 1970s. Badger needed no product for his gorgeous mane to stay in place. His apple dumpling cheeks were more in season that Glen Campbell’s and he clearly put in more work at the gym than Bum Phillips.
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor