Follow me on twitter @ClaytonTrutor for the correct picks to every important college game and for incisive commentary on all other aspects of the human experience.
Last Week: 8-6
Season to Date: 75-46
- UCF (0-8) at Cincinnati (4-3): Cincinnati improves to 8-0 in the moral victory column with an easy win over UCF, our fifth actual win of the season. Social Justice Warriors rejoice! Tiffani Amber-Thiessen will be singing the national anthem and Tyler Thigpen will be doing the coin-toss. Tom Bergeron, Charlie Sheen, Willem Dafoe, and Harley Race will be the doing the chains. Big Bird will be doing the flyover in a B-2 Stealth Bomber. Snuffleupagus has a cold and will serve as a goal post. Two cans of Dr. Pepper will serve as the other one. The special guest celebrity marching band will consist of Nickelback, Yuri Gagarin, Gordon from Sesame Street, Chato Reyes, Chester Cheetah, Bobby Brown, internet celebrities, David Lloyd George, the Gambino Crime Family, the Freemasons, the Old Fellows, the Rockettes, Barry Wom, Al Golden, George O'Leary, Davis Love III, the residents of Avon Lake, Ohio, and the cast of Newsies.
This celebrity marching band will be good but not as good as our very own UC Bearcat marching band.
Final Score: Cincinnati 45, UCF 17
The Rest of the AAC:
- East Carolina (4-4) at UConn (3-5): Stu has really landed on his feet in Greenville, North Carolina. He changed the name of his Applebee's to Cityside and he has opened a Technotronic-only nightclub. It is called "Stu-dio 54." It features his signature riblets and Budzillas. He also purchases blood plasma at competitive rates. Stu works the door himself and tells me that "every night is ladies' night at Stu-dio 54." Bob Diaco is slightly envious of the man he calls "The Bob Diaco of the Carolinas."
Final Score: UConn 20, ECU 16
- South Florida (4-3) at Navy (5-1): The University of South Florida boasts a campus and several degree programs. They offer both undergraduate and graduate programs. The University of South Florida can certainly be called one of America's universities. Situated in central Florida, The University of South Florida has produced many undergraduates over the past ten years. A quick perusal of their course catalog suggests that they have ‘em. With Professors! The most popular professor on campus is STAFF/TBA. Trip Advisor ranks USF #3 among Tampa area colleges.
Final Score: Navy 43, USF 6
- Tulsa (3-4) at SMU (1-6): SMU is going to win out and earn a bid to the Blockbuster Bowl to face Herschel Walker and the New Jersey Generals. Lynyrd Skynyrd will be the half-time show. Powerball will be the title sponsor. When I was little, I thought Lynyrd Skynrd's "That Smell" would make a great jingle for Toaster Strudels. But I have matured since then. If I win the Powerball on Saturday night, I am going to buy the mansion right next to Jon Bon Jovi's and paint it to look like the Slippery When Wet album cover.
Final Score: SMU 61, Tulsa 24
- Tulane (2-5) at #16 Memphis (7-0): I spent 14 hours at a Krystal Burger in Memphis last month. I was trying to buy a panda from the local zoo. D. Ray Morton, President of American Express, was my point man on the deal. Before we could pull the trigger on it, he got telling me about these properties he had for sale out in New Mexico. What a deal! I was using Krystal's as my safe house. While I wasn't able to procure any delicious panda meat, I found that Krystal's down home atmosphere compares favorably with Denny's.
Final Score: Tulsa 7, Memphis 0, Tulane 0
- Vanderbilt (3-4) at #18 Houston (7-0): Cornelius Vanderbilt founded Vanderbilt in 1972 with one vision in mind: create a low-cost alternative to Waffle House. He failed. Instead, he created one of the South's premier universities.
Final Score: Houston 22, Vanderbilt 0
- #9 Notre Dame (6-1) vs. #21 Temple (7-0) (Chip Kelly Stadium): If Temple loses this one, I think Mark Sanchez will be starting for the Eagles next week.
Final Score: Notre Dame 34, Temple 17
The Rest of the Country:
- #15 Michigan (5-2) at Minnesota (4-3): I hope Jerry Kill gives Jim Harbaugh a pre-game Stone-Cold Stunner at midfield instead of a handshake. I hope Coach Kill follows it up with a leg-drop and commences with a ten-minute Hulk Hogan-style pose-down. Then I hope Mitch Leidner passes for 300 yards and runs for 200 more against the Wolverines' overrated defense. To finish off this beautiful day, I hope that Goldie Gopher flies her private jet out to San Francisco and gives the game ball to Jed York. The Little Brown Jug isn't leaving Minneapolis. Harbaugh is going to blow this one just like he blew the Michigan-Minnesota game in Ann Arbor his senior year.
(UPDATE: I wrote this before Jerry Kill retired on Wednesday due to his renewed health issues. I hold Jerry Kill in high esteem and regard him as the coach of the decade thus far in the Big Ten. He took a moribund program and made them consistently competitive in less than one four-year recruiting cycle. Speaking on behalf of Down the Drive, I wish Coach Kill a happy retirement and restored health. I am confident that Tracy Claeys will once again do an outstanding job filling in for Coach Kill. I am also confident that he will administer the midfield Stone-Cold Stunner that Coach Kill had planned for Harbaugh. Go Gophers!)
Final Score: Minnesota 35, Michigan 7
- Georgia (5-2) vs. #11 Florida (6-1) (Wembley Stadium, Home of the Jacksonville Jaguars): I got talking with Uga the other day and he was getting prepared for this game by doing recitations from Purple Rain. He was telling me about "electric word life, it means forever and that's a mighty long time, but I'm here to tell you there's something else: the after world." I take that to mean that he thinks the Bulldogs are going to upset the Gators. Uga also told me that he is forcing Utah to change their fight song to "Darling Nikki." He had a deal with the Utes and Southern Cal that the loser of that game last Saturday would have to change their fight song to a Prince song of their own choosing. Strange choice, Salt Lake City. I think "Raspberry Beret" would have made a lovely fight song for the Utes. But I'm also the guy who made a locker room pump-up mix tape for his high school football team called "Love is a Battlefield."
Final Score: Georgia 21, Florida 20
- Arizona (5-3) at Washington (3-4): Twenty-something years on, I am still confused by that Temple of the Dog video. I have probably watched it 500 times but I still don't understand why both Soundgarden and Pearl Jam are going hungry if they don't mind stealing bread. Yelp tells me that Seattle has 1017 bakeries. I am guessing that Seattle had roughly the same number of bakeries in 1991. It shouldn't have been that hard for one of the ten guys in either group to pinch a loaf from one of these establishments, especially if they all worked together. For instance, Chris Cornell and Eddie Vedder could have walked up to the counter and gone back-and-forth, serenading the clerk with stories about their respective hunger pangs. The remaining members of both groups could have then made a human wall behind their lead singers, shielding Jeff Ament from view while he filled that stupid, floppy hat of his with baguettes from the cooling rack. Pearl Jam's "Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town" describes a roughly analogous situation, so it appears that by the time they recorded Vs., they learned how to procure sustenance without paying.
What kind of fertility ritual is happening on the beach toward the tail end of the "Hunger Strike" video? I've heard that the extended version of the video concludes with Stone Gossard being placed in a mammoth copper pot with some root vegetables and a Costco-sized can of College Inn. That's how you end a hunger strike in style!
Final Score: Arizona 51, Washington 34
- Miami (4-3) at #22 Duke (6-1): If Miami can shut down Duke's outside shooters, I think they are Golden in this one.
Final Score: Miami 34 Duke 27