Unlike Ohio State, I was not underwhelming last week. I dominated the college football landscape like Centre College in the early 1920s.
Last Week: 9-5
Season to Date: 90-58
Follow me on twitter @ClaytonTrutor for the correct picks to every important college game and for incisive commentary on all other aspects of the human experience.
- Tulsa (5-4) at Cincinnati (5-4): Senior Night pride and a three-headed rushing attack will lead us to victory over Tulsa this weekend. I predict that the rushing defense will also stiffen up after a rough performance against Houston. Speaking of performances, I encourage you all to get in your cars right now and head to Indianapolis. Support the UC Bearcat Band as they perform at the 2015 Bands of America Competition at Lucas Oil Stadium. The Bearcat Band will be performing this Friday at 5:30 PM. Be there to cheer them on! On Saturday morning, we can all caravan back to Cincinnati to be ready for the pre-game festivities.
Final Score: Cincinnati 45, Tulsa 20
The Rest of the AAC:
- Tulane (2-7) at Army (2-7): My brother was in New Orleans a couple years ago. He had heard about how great Café Du Monde was on the Travel Channel. He prefers Café Beignet, an upstart chain around the French Quarter. And by upstart, I mean to say it was founded in the 1920s. While in New Orleans on a job search, my brother spent most of his time eating jerkies made of zoo animals and drinking Abita. He didn't get the job, but he learned something about America. And that has made all the difference.
Final Score: Tulane 17, Army 7
- #13 Memphis (8-1) at #25 Houston (9-0): My new cat Cristobal 2 (2015-Present) eats a lot differently than Cristobal 1. Cristobal 2 doesn't go for the Chili Five-Way at Skyline. He says that a mere Chili Cheese Coney is more than enough supper for him. He also told me that in his nine lives he has never seen or heard of a more smug and unlikeable person than Neil Degrasse Tyson.
Final Score: Memphis 35, Houston 25
- SMU (1-8) at #22 Navy (7-1): Why is Navy's mascot a goat? Goats don't float. I tried. Twice. RIP Sebastian (?-2015) and Sebastian 2 (?-2015).
Final Score: Navy 35, SMU 17
- #21 Temple (8-1) at USF (5-4): No Cristobal 2! Bad Kitty! You can't swim either! RIP Cristobal 2 (2015-2015).
Final Score: Temple 40, USF 7
The Rest of the Country:
- #4 Alabama (8-1) at #20 Mississippi State (7-2): I hope that humans never encounter aliens. People have all these silly Gene Roddenberry notions that aliens will be enlightened and sleekly modern. I don't buy it. I think the universe trekking aliens we encounter are a lot more likely to be the Mongols than the philosophes in Madame Geoffrin's salon. Trips that long are almost certainly driven by a desire for conquest, not benevolence.
Final Score: Alabama 35, MSU 10
- Oregon (6-3) at #11 Stanford (8-1): Wake Up Ducks! You can save your season on Saturday night. Stanford's already printing up College Football Playoff T-Shirts. Put those premature playoff shirts on the discount rack right next to the sleeveless "Steve Stenstrom for Heisman" tees.
Final Score: Oregon 35, Stanford 30
- Washington (4-5) at Arizona State (4-5): What is Terrell Suggs talking about when he says he went to "Ball So Hard University"? If I recall correctly, Suggs played at Arizona State. Apparently, the Ravens linebacker has an awfully optimistic view of ASU's place in the college football hierarchy. If I played at ASU, I would introduce myself as having played at "Ball in an Uninspired Fashion Despite Being Picked to Win the ‘Pac-12 South' University."
Final Score: Arizona State 45, Washington 35
- Minnesota (4-5) at #9 Iowa (9-0): Goldy Gopher is a petite little lady. The Floyd of Rosedale Trophy, which is awarded annually to the winner of the Iowa-Minnesota game, is a 400 pound bronze pig. Goldy didn't drag that trophy all the way down to Iowa City just to leave it there. She plans a 300 mile long ticker-tape parade back north on I-35 to celebrate the Gophers' upset win over Iowa and their not classically handsome mascot, Herky the Hawk. Herky looks like an unholy admixture of the Wichita State Shocker and Launchpad McQuack from Duck Tales.
Final Score: Minnesota 24, Iowa 17
- Georgetown (3-6) at Fordham (2-7): "On second thought, scabs taste terrible,"- Randy Orton, right before delivering an RKO to a Georgetown statistician.
Final Score: Fordham 35, Georgetown 34
- #15 Oklahoma (8-1) at #6 Baylor (8-0): Stu, Greenville, North Carolina's long-time celebrity gadabout and restaurateur, has been run out of town. Stu does not believe in paying taxes. He is an anarcho-capitalist of the Austrian school. He studied briefly under Murray Rothbard and once held a fellowship with the Ludwig von Mises Institute. Being a man of principle, Stu refused to charge customers either sales or meals taxes at any of his establishments. To express his opposition to minimum wage laws, Stu paid his employees with leftovers. Stu's radically voluntarist economic ideas ran afoul of the local authorities, forcing him to make a quick exit from Greenville. Stu and his 49 female companions, a libertarian reading group which goes by the tongue-in-cheek moniker "The Collective," piled into a pontoon plane that was piloted by Launchpad McQuack, who is himself an advocate of an unfettered free-market. Launchpad McQuack took "The Collective" to a city he knew would be safe: Waco, Texas, home of Baylor University.
Waco did away with formal politics several years ago. They hired King Moonracer, a griffin who used to rule the Island of Misfit Toys, to be their local strongman. King Moonracer grants permanent tax abatements to new citizens who promise either to 1): find good homes for Charlies-in-the-Box, spotted elephants, cowboys who ride ostriches, and water pistols that shoot jelly or 2) promise to bring at least 10 new jobs into the community.
Stu promised to create 49 jobs in Waco. That was good enough for King Moonracer. Tax abatement in place, Stu set up shop in downtown Waco. He's started a comedy club called "Stu Tickets to Paradise" which has open mic all seven nights of the week. Stu has a new twist on the open mic. He turns it into a nightly contest that is steeped in anti-communism. Every night, the winning comedian receives an all-expenses paid trip for two to Appleton, Wisconsin, hometown of noted commie hunter Joe McCarthy. The only requirement of the comedian is that he must tell at least one Soviet joke, Stu's favorite comedic genre. On most evenings, a member of "The Collective" wins on her off-night (Seven members of "The Collective" put in a shift each night at the club, meaning that all 49 of them work only once a week).
And now for last night's winning Soviet Joke at "Stu Tickets to Paradise":
In the Soviet Union, a comrade who wanted to own an automobile had to apply for that privilege in person at the Department of Motor Vehicles office in Moscow's Red Square.
Here's the story of a guy named Boris who tried to buy a car and the bureaucrat who waited on him at the Moscow DMV.
Boris: I want to buy a car.
Bureaucrat: Cash up front. 800,000,000 rubles.
Boris: (dumps out wheelbarrow full of rubles on counter).
Bureaucrat: OK. Come back in ten years and get your car.
Boris: Morning or Afternoon?
Bureaucrat: It's ten years away. What difference does it make?
Boris: Well, the plumber's coming in the morning.
Final Score: Oklahoma 56, Baylor 52
As should be obvious but apparently is not, this column is a parody and not intended to be taken seriously. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.