I did right by you last week. I made you some pretty pennies. I made you some money just in time for Christmas. Some of which you should donate to the good folks at the Streetdog Foundation, who help abandoned dogs from the Mid-South find loving homes. Or consider supporting your local Humane Society or Animal Protective League. Or you can invest in Pete Incaviglia baseball cards. I do all of the above.
Last Week: 13-3
Season to Date: 76-52
Cincinnati (4-3) at Temple (5-3): I’m not much for macaroni salad or mulled wine, but I do like a cup of hot cider. But what I really like is Egg Nog and we here in Cincinnati are in the swing of Egg Nog season. Gunner Kiel is our quarterback. Tommy Tuberville is our coach. We are going to go 9-3 and TT is going to be the conference coach of the year. All is right with the world.
Final Score: Cincinnati 42 Temple 10
The Rest of the AAC
No. 22 Navy (5-1) at South Florida (6-2): The University of South Florida’s notable alumni include poker legend Dan Bilzerian, Lobo singer Roland Kent La Voie, former Google CFO George Reyes and Philadelphia Soul co-owner Craig Spencer. Navy’s famous alumni include all of the famous guys from the Navy. Anchors Away!
Final Score: Navy 49 South Florida 35
UCF (4-3) at Houston (6-2): The University of Central Florida produced former Florida Golden Gloves champion and several-hit wonder Terrence Trent D’Arby. His “Wishing Well” is a karaoke favorite of mine and he also ranks No. 1 on my list of guys who were going to be the next Prince. But even that is not enough to overcome the Cougars’ pass rush.
Final Score: Houston 49 UCF 14
UConn (3-5) at ECU (2-5): East Carolina produced Vince McMahon, the man who has provided me with more hours of entertainment than anyone this side of Bob Barker and Rod Roddy.
I loved the XFL by the way. I thought it made football a lot more Xtreme than it had been before. The XFL was more extreme than Mountain Dew, realer than Real Deal Holyfield, funnier than Rhoda and all the kids loved it. Just because they hate everything I love, all the networks got together in a big conspiracy against Vince and the XFL.
Final Score: UConn 10 ECU 8
SMU (3-4) at Tulane (3-4): Good Lord does Chad Morris get the worst shinsplints. Here are Miss Cleo’s top five home remedies for shinsplints: 1) change your toothbrush 2) get more Vitamin D 3) stretch those calves 4) cover those corns and calluses in petroleum jelly 5) eat at Applebee’s.
Final Score: SMU 24 Tulane 23
Tulsa (5-2) at Memphis (5-2): Redskins legend Gus Frerrotte went to Tulsa. Gus sure knew how to celebrate a touchdown. He was also a pretty decent quarterback, but people forget that.
Final Score: Tulsa 35 Memphis 20
The Rest of the Country
No. 10 West Virginia (6-0) at Oklahoma State (5-2): Last week, I made a Mt. Rushmore of Oklahoma State Cowboys. I neglected to mention Cowboys baseball great Pete Incaviglia (1983-1985), who is a resident of Pebble Beach, Calif. and a man for all seasons. He was only the fourth player in Major League Baseball history to go straight from amateur baseball to the Big Leagues.
Final Score: Oklahoma State 35 West Virginia 31 UPSET OF THE WEEK
Final Score: Washington 31 Utah 7
No. 7 Nebraska (7-0) at No. 11 Wisconsin (5-2): “Standing in line at the Chicago bus terminal, I leaned against one of the lockers facing the gate for Detroit. I’d been moping around the Southside station since seven o’clock, wasting my money in the vending machines and watching Steven Seagal movies on one of the dozen television screens hanging from the ceiling. The boarding call for the midnight run interrupted the final showdown between our pony-tailed hero and several well-armed men in sunglasses. Rather than keep up with the action, I started thinking about where I wanted to sit on the bus to Madison. There were only 10 of us in line so everyone could sit where they wanted. Some people fight for the back seats, thinking they get more privacy and a better shot at the bowl. Other people want to sit up front so they can tell the bus driver the six-hour version of their life story. While handing over my ticket, I decided to sit somewhere in the middle” – Something I wrote on the inside cover of my copy of John Feinstein’s Season on the Brink while riding toward Madison, Wisc. on a Greyhound Bus about 10 years ago.
Final Score: Wisconsin 22 Nebraska 10
Washington State (5-2) at Oregon State (2-5):
Mike Leach: “A mortgage is a loan that provides consumers with conditional ownership of a piece of property or real estate in exchange for a predetermined set of payments, typically spread out over a long period of time. The vast majority of homeowners in the United States purchase their homes through a mortgage loan with a bank.”
Stacy Keach: “No, I disagree. I think a mortgage is a type of credit score created by the Fair Isaac Corporation.”
Mike Leach: “You are incorrect. That is a FICO score. Lenders use the FICO scores of borrowers to assess their credit risk. FICO scores take into account different aspects of a person’s credit history, including their payment history, current indebtedness and the length of their credit history.
Stacy Keach: “Why the heck not? You are Mr. Subprime Mortgage if you ask me, bub.”
Mike Leach: “You don’t even know what that is!”
Stacy Keach: “Sure I do. It’s the practice of loaning money at higher interest rates to people who may have difficulty maintaining their repayment schedule. The 2007-2008 housing market crisis that is depicted in The Big Short arose from the pooling of subprime mortgages into mortgage-backed securities.”
Mike Leach: “So you do. Let’s kiss.”
Final Score: Washington State 45 Oregon State 24
No. 3 Clemson (7-0) at No. 12 Florida State (5-2): Sometimes I forget which one is Dabo and which is Jimbo. At times like that, I split the difference and call them “Jabbo.” When I do this, most people think I am talking about former St. Louis Cardinals All-Star third baseman Jabbo Jablonski, which I do more often than the average bear.
Final Score: Clemson 28 Florida State 24
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, look me up on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor