Not bad last week. Not bad at all. Not bad for a column I wrote while listening to the guy next to me on the bus tell me about the state capitals he has visited. He’s been to Albany, Hartford, Providence and Philadelphia, he said. Until our conversation, I did not realize that Pennsylvania had moved its capital.
Last Week: 10-3
Season to Date: 129-93
St. Petersburg Bowl: Miami Ohio (6-6) vs. Mississippi State (5-7)
Mississippi State non-attendee Jamie Fricke has a very unique and unmistakable way of making any song she sings truly an exceptional experience. The emotion and feelings that seem to flow so easily from her literally brings her song to life.
Final Score: Mississippi State 34 Miami Ohio 17
Quick Lane Bowl: Maryland (6-6) vs. Boston College (6-6)
I can’t wait to see this one. It will be the lowest scoring bowl game of all-time.
Final Score: Boston College 2 Maryland 0
Independence Bowl: NC State (6-6) vs. Vanderbilt (6-6)
Only once have I ever seen someone take a red onion out of their sandwich and use it as a bookmark. That certain someone is former Vanderbilt quarterback Jay Cutler in the storyboard I’m working on for a coming of age film set at the 2005 NFL Draft.
Final Score: Vanderbilt 31 NC State 27
Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl: Army (6-6) vs. North Texas (5-7)
Dusty Rhodes is a plumber’s son from Austin, Texas. Alan Jackson is a mechanic’s son from Newman, Georgia. They both achieved the American Dream and the American Dream is at the heart of Dallas. If I could buy Alan Jackson and Dusty Rhodes lunch at Zaxby’s, I would buy them lunch and I would buy a lunch for myself with some extra sides.
Final Score: Army 22 North Texas 17
Military Bowl: No. 24 Temple vs. Wake Forest (6-6)
Whether he’s singing love ballads or country rockers, Merherrin, Virginia native Roy Clark brings audiences to their feet around the world.
Final Score: Temple 35 Wake Forest 17
Holiday Bowl: Minnesota (8-4) vs. Washington State (8-4)
Cincinnati Reds and Boston Red Sox legend Nick Esasky was born in Hialeah, Florida, one of Goldie Gopher’s seasonal residences. Esasky’s hobbies are hunting, racquetball and tennis. Goldie’s hobbies are slots, roulette, and handicapping horses. Esasky collects antique Coke machines and juke boxes. So does Goldie. They also share a favorite television show: Taxi. Nick mostly closely relates to Judd Hirsch’s character. Goldie sees herself as most similar to Marilu Henner.
Final Score: Minnesota 21 Washington State 17
Cactus Bowl: Boise State (10-2) vs. Baylor (6-6)
I don’t care who wins this game. I do have some more thoughts on the University of Minnesota though. The University of Minnesota will win eight games a year under Tracy Claeys as long as the administration lets him. Hopefully, they learned their lesson from when they fired Glen Mason after the 2006 season, sacrificing the good in pursuit of the perfect. The Gophers got tired of going 7-5 under Mason, preferring instead to go 2-10 under Tim Brewster. It took several years of work by Jerry Kill and his acolytes to lift this program back where it belongs: the middle of the pack in the Big 10.
Final Score: Boise State 38 Baylor 10
Pinstripe Bowl: No. 23 Pittsburgh (8-4) vs. Northwestern (6-6)
Like his music, Northwestern coach Pat Fitzgerald is an honest, straight shooter. He’s a born realist that is at ease with self expression. Those traits along with his great intensity have made him a major success at the game of life.
Final Score: Pitt 31 Northwestern 24
Russell Athletic Bowl: No. 16 West Virginia (10-2) vs. Miami (8-4)
“Growing up in a big family, you get prepared for the world. There is a whole little world going on in your family. You have to learn how to be resourceful and distinguish yourself” – Madonna, People, 1987.
Final Score: West Virginia 28 Miami 24
Foster Farms Bowl: Indiana (6-6) vs. No. 19 Utah (8-4)
Ocean City Defender is to the Beyond Yacht Rock podcast as Ennio Morricone is to Sergio Leone.
Final Score: Indiana 23 Utah 19
Texas Bowl: Texas A&M (8-4) vs. Kansas State (8-4)
Rusk, Texas native Chris James was the Cleveland Indians’ team MVP in 1990. His hobbies are hunting and cows. He and I have a lot in common. Except that I’ve never been to Rusk, never played for the Indians, never been their team MVP and I’m not much of a hunter. Basically, we both like cows. I am big on Holsteins and Ayrshires. They love a good zerbert. Chris James prefers milking shorthorns. No accounting for taste. They tend to kick you when you go in for a zerbert.
Final Score: Texas A&M 31 Kansas State 10
Birmingham Bowl: USF (10-2) vs. South Carolina (6-6)
When Nick Saban coached at Michigan State, he ate an all-beef, no salad hard organ diet. Now, he eats only Little Debbie oatmeal crème cookies. When Will Muschamp coached at Florida, he ate an all-salad, no beef diet. Now that he coaches at South Carolina, he eats nothing but Little Debbie cosmic brownies and drinks nothing but almond milk.
Final Score: USF 71 South Carolina 70
Belk Bowl: Arkansas (7-5) vs. No. 22 Virginia Tech (9-4)
#DrPepperGiveaway my career goal is to have a pillow fight with the Watt Brothers. #DrPepperGiveaway my goal is to win $100,000 then buy a bunch of swim trunks through @yachtrock’s amazon portal. #DrPepperGiveaway my goal is to get a free XBox 1 with a bag full of games and a bag full of Wendy's baconators. #DrPepperGiveaway my goal is to give Bielema a belly raspberry on ESPN2.
Final Score: Arkansas 31 Virginia Tech 27
Alamo Bowl: No. 12 Oklahoma State (9-3) vs. No. 10 Colorado (10-3)
Mike Gundy’s lettuce is top notch. That is a tradition at Oklahoma State. Red Sox manager John Farrell pitched at Oklahoma State. Jimmy Johnson coached at Oklahoma State. Edward C. Gallagher wrestled at Oklahoma State. Willie Wood golfed there. All four men of these men have outstanding hair. Nobody who ever went to Colorado has had a good head of hair.
Final Score: Oklahoma State 24 Colorado 10
Liberty Bowl: Georgia (7-5) vs. TCU (6-6)
In 1958, the majority of Georgians, for the first time, lived in cities, according to the US Census Bureau. This important demarcation, however, was neither a quick or unexpected development. Georgia’s urban population had grown proportionally faster than its rural population in every census since the Jefferson administration, but it took more than a century and a half for the state to move from 98 percent rural in 1810 to 50.1 percent urban in 1958.
Final Score: Georgia 37 TCU 22
Arizona Bowl: South Alabama (6-6) vs. Air Force (9-3)
If you liked that last tidbit, I recommend a look at Donald B. Dodd and Wynelle S. Dodd’s Historical Statistics of the South (University, Alabama: University of Alabama Press, 1973).
Final Score: Air Force 28 South Alabama 24
Sun Bowl: No. 18 Stanford (9-3) vs. UNC (8-4)
My all-time UNC basketball interesting name starting five: point guard Dave Hanners (1974-1976), shooting guard Yogi Poteet (1960-1963), small forward Dick Grubar (1967-1969), power forward Cartwright Carmichael (1922-1924) and center Rusty Clark (1967-1969).
Final Score: Stanford 38 UNC 10
Music City Bowl: Nebraska (9-3) vs. #21 Tennessee (8-4)
“Kit Brooks and Ronnie Dunn deliver a revved-up brand of honky-tonk music that sparkles with wit, intelligence, and instrumental fire”- Butch Jones look alike who was bowling next to me at galactic bowling last Friday night.
Final Score: Tennessee 28 Nebraska 21
NOTE: I will include my Orange Bowl pick in my New Year’s Six/College Football Playoff Column.
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, look me up on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor