My name is Clayton Trutor and I am the general manager of Monday Night Raw. Moreover, I’m seven feet tall. And you can’t teach that.
On Tuesday July 19th, Raw and Smackdown will be initiating a brand split and drafting their rosters. In preparation, the Miss Cleo of College Football and the Mastodon will be mock drafting up the Raw and Smackdown rosters.
This is a snake draft and the Miss Cleo of College Football has won the coin toss.
1. Raw- Charlotte (Women’s Champion)
Clayton Trutor (CT): Monday Night Raw is going to be the Big Ten of Sports Entertainment. We are going to have the Ladies division and the Legends division. Monday Night Raw will be the home of the once-a-year appearing Wrestlemania main eventers. It will also host what was known until recently as the Divas division.
For my first pick, I decided to use my GM powers to end Ric Flair’s ringside ban and bring the 16 time world champion up to the microphone to announce his daughter’s selection as Monday Night Raw’s franchise. Mostly, I just wanted to meet Ric Flair and go "whoo" at him. I figured if I selected Charlotte No. 1, then I would get that chance.
2. Smackdown (SD)- Dean Ambrose (WWE Champion)
3. SD- Seth Rollins
Tony Mastadon (TM): Not only do you get the WWE Championship belt, you get the most compelling performer that the company currently has on its main roster. Add to that genuine Cincinnati bona fides, and CZW’s Jon Moxley becomes the obvious first choice overall. Unless you’ve still got a Flair for the Old. If you want to draft someone doing a bad Ric impression, pick ROH Champ Jay Lethal. To be the dude, you have to beat the dude. As an added attraction, the most electrifying opportunist since The Rock and Edge had a baby, and named it Seth Rollins. He will stop using the Pedigree immediately and go back to stepping on people’s ugly heads, particularly Kane and Corporate Kane’s.
2. Raw- Brock Lesnar (legal name: Bork Laser)
3. Raw- The Undertaker (baptismal name: "Mean" Mark Callous)
CT: If Lesnar blows it at UFC 200, I will change my No. 2 pick to Mark Hunt. If there is a tussle at the end of Lesnar/Hunt, I am moving Mean Mark Callous up to No. 2 and picking my unopened 1998 X-Pac action figure at No. 3.
4. SD- The New Day
5. SD- Enzo and Big Cass
TM: I think it’s weird that you haven’t picked anyone but Charlotte who holds a title, so I picked the tag champs (three for the price of two) and two guys who are super over to play with them.
4. Raw- John Cena (better known as Big Match John)
5. Raw- Bullet Point Club (previously known as The Club and Bullet Club)
CT: Every wrestling roster needs a guy who majored in exercise physiology. John Cena is mine. I selected AJ Styles, Anderson and Gallows because of their frugality. Every time the Club goes to the airport, Anderson and Gallows want to check their bags. AJ thinks that’s a waste of money. WWE wrestlers are independent contractors who have to cover their own travel expenses, including the $25 for a checked bag. When the lady at the Delta ticket counter asks them if they want to check their bags, AJ puts up the hood on his sweatshirt and says, "They don’t want none." AJ cheers up Anderson and Gallows with a takeout soda at Wendy’s once they get through security. Getting through security takes the Club more than an hour. AJ thinks TSA pre-boarding is a waste of money. Anderson and Gallows are pretty thirsty by the time they get that takeout soda.
6. SD- Roman Reigns
7. SD- Cesaro
TM: Champs just aren’t your priority, so I can probably still pick up a midcard belt later for a song. International Sexyman Antonio "Claudio Castagnoli" Cesaro gives me a little more appeal for when SmackDown airs live from the parts of Europe that aren’t Britain. Roman gives the rest of my superstars a little bump up in popularity by comparison. Also, steroids. Also, I have the whole Shield, which is nice for booking and storyline reasons. I’m sure that a three month run of Cena vs. The Great Power Uti’s rival will be just super.
6. Raw- Sasha Banks
7. Raw- Becky Lynch
CT: Unless Ric sticks around, Charlotte won’t stay over for very long. She needs some top notch opponents. Hopefully, Raw can arrange for Snoop Dogg to make another WWE appearance on behalf of his cousin, Sasha Banks.
8. SD- Zack Ryder
9. SD- Finn Balor
TM: I’ve got some beloved midcarders here to flesh things out. Balor is probably too small to put a big strap on, but he’d be awfully interesting chasing the IC or something like that.
8. Raw- Samoa Joe
9. Raw- Chris Jericho
CT: Some people say that Samoa Joe is just a body guy. That’s not true. He has great table manners as well. Fire up the WWE Network right now and watch him on Table for 3 with Neville and Bo Dallas. Samoa Joe and Dallas are both gentleman. Neville must think there’s a law in America against closing your mouth when you chew.
I picked Chris Jericho because I want to get his autograph.
10. SD- Shinsuke Nakamura
11. SD- American Alpha
TM: OK, at least you got another belt last round, albeit the NXT title. But again, you’re really pushing 40 as the average age of your roster. I got Nakamura for the midcard and so that he can have an Entrance-off with Balor. American Alpha are young and hungry and will make for some entertaining botchfests.
10. Raw- "The Miz"
11. Raw- Big Show
CT: The Gin Blossoms belong on the radio in the grocery store. I hear "Till I Hear it From You" during my Friday evening shopping trip and it really put a spring in my step.
12. SD- Kevin Owens
13. SD- Sami Zayn
TM: These guys were still available, but you picked the Big Show. That’s a bold move, Cotton.
12. Raw- Lucha Dragons
13. Raw- The Vaudevillains
CT: Goldy Gopher is a huge fan of the Lucha Dragons. She and Uga and Scoopie start doing the Bushwackers arms when Sin Cara and Kalisto come down to the ring and they chant "woocha, woocha, woocha" like a bunch of five year olds.
The Vaudevillains are going to become the Tag Team champions and oversee a remodeling of the belts to make them look more like leather corsets.
14. SD- Rusev
15. SD- Sheamus
TM: And that’s the last midcard belt taken. And for good measure, I got the Sheamus guy. He’s so popular, all of his toys are still at the store.
14. Raw- Paige
15. Raw- Natalya
CT: Monday Night Raw is for Ladies and Legends. And we’ve got plenty of both.
16. SD- Bayley
17. SD- Asuka
TM: Clayton is probably going to take Titus O’Neil’s kissy son in the next round.
16. Raw- Corporate Kane
17. Raw- Titus O’Neil (w/Kissy Son)
CT: Yep. I got Titus O’Neil, his kissy son, and Corporate Kane.
As always, this is a parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor. Tony Mastodon is also available for your inquiries on twitter: @leclair_raymond