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Clayton Picks All the Games Correctly: Week 1 (Thursday Edition)

Can't wait for Thursday? Let Clayton tell you exactly what's going to happen.

Marco Garcia-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome back for season two of my column, "Clayton Picks All the Games Correctly."

In this column, I will select the straight up winners of all the big games every weekend, AAC or otherwise.  The spread, the over-under and all of that other jazz is way too confusing. If you want the skinny on all of that I suggest you check out  Carl’s "Stone Cold Lock of the Century of the Week" video prognostication service.

Each week, I will pick all the AAC games and a smattering of other consequential ones from around the country.

Let me begin by picking this Thursday’s big games. Opening Night 2016. The Miss Cleo of College Football is going to go undefeated this year. Just like our Bearcats.

Our Game

Tennessee-Martin at Cincinnati: Cincinnati is going to make UT-Martin pay for all of the frustrations of 2015. We are going to put up more than 800 yards of total offense. The porous UT secondary is going to help Hayden Moore achieve yet another 500 yard passing game.  That multi-headed backfield of ours is going to rush for at least 300 yards as well.

Final Score: Cincinnati 84 Tennessee-Martin 10

The Rest of the AAC

Tulane at Wake Forest: In this battle of Southern Ivies, the Green Wave is going to put up some serious points. The shelf was hardly bare when Willie Fritz inherited this team. He has brought that high-powered Georgia Southern offense with him to Louisiana and his team is going to surprise a lot of people, including the Demon Deacons.

Final Score: Tulane 49 Wake Forest 38

Maine at UConn: In New England, McDonalds serves lobster rolls. They use Canadian lobsters. Those are a different species, you know. Bob Diaco does not eat lobster rolls. He eats nothing but whey protein and does two hours of empty stomach cardio every morning. Then he goes through the Patrick Bateman American Psycho morning exfoliation routine. Then he puts together a game plan to defeat the University of Maine.

Final Score: UConn 42 Maine 0

The Rest of the Country

Oregon State at Minnesota: Goldie Gopher has visited every county in Minnesota this summer, bringing joy to boys and girls across the Land of 10,000 Lakes.

Final Score: Minnesota 35 Oregon State 20

UNC-Charlotte at No. 19 Louisville: Since when does Charlotte play football? Louisville certainly knows a thing or two about football.

"Is that a fact?" asks Apollo Creed, who is a big UNC-Charlotte fan. "Yes," says Drago’s trainer, "and it could be a painful one."

Final Score: Louisville 49 Charlotte 7

Appalachian State at No. 9 Tennessee: Tennessee will begin its path toward the national title with a big win against the ever-dangerous Appalachian State. Joshua Dobbs and Jalen Hurd will put up big numbers in the first half and sip Gatorade on the sideline in the second half.

Final Score: Tennessee 56 Appalachian State 14

As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, look me up on twitter: @ClaytonTrutor