This week’s edition includes some things I learned about the Beatles in Rob Sheffield’s wonderful new book, Dreaming the Beatles: The Love Story of One Band and the Whole World. You should buy your Mom this book for Christmas.
Last Week: 12-5
Season to Date: 12-5
Cincinnati (1-0) at Michigan (1-0):
Why does Rick Springfield spray paint “Jesse’s Girl” on the wall at the beginning of the video?
Why isn’t Cincinnati running back Mike Boone in the Heisman conversation yet?
Why does my cousin Reggie order a chicken salad sandwich for lunch everyday on an eight-inch hard roll when what he really needs is some Tums?
Why does anyone think Michigan is going to win this game? The Bearcats will run for so many yards on Michigan’s overrated defensive front this Saturday that they are going to start calling their stadium “Boone’s Farm” instead of the “Big House.”
Final Score: Cincinnati 47 Michigan 3
The Rest of the AAC:
USF (2-0) at UConn (1-0):
4 PM Tuesday. WWE Headquarters. Stamford, Connecticut.
Randy Edsall (RE): Charlie, I am going to get fired after your South Florida Bulls beat me by 50 this weekend.
Charlie Strong (CS): It’s going to be 60, Randy. I can’t help it. Your team is just so terrible.
RE: I am going to need a vacation.
CS: You should come to Tampa.
RE: What’s there to do in Tampa?
CS: When I visit, I start my cultural excursion by exploring the grounds of the Henry B. Plant Museum, which was built in 1891 as an upscale hotel but now has an impressive permanent art collection.
RE: I hate art. I was one of the original Dadaists back in Zurich back in the day.
CS: If you are an art-hating Dadaist, then maybe Bayshore Boulevard is your thing. If you ask me, it’s something else. 4.5 miles winding through some of Tampa’s most beautiful residential areas. It is a paradise for the active urbanite. Bicyclists, walkers, runners, and rollerbladers all love it. Sunrises are an especially beautiful time to take a bike ride on the Boulevard. I focus on spotting magnificent herons, graceful white ibis, and the occasional alligator down by the waterside.
RE: That’s more my speed. I own two bicycles and one rollerblade. I need a diablo sandwich and a Dr. Pepper. That’s the long and short of it.
CS: They serve diablo sandwiches and Dr. Peppers at the Tampa Improv Comedy Theater. The seating is first come, first served, so I always get there early to get the best seats in the house. I’ve rubbed shoulders with some of comedy’s top names after the shows several times in the upstairs bar after their set.
RE: Charlie, I am sold. I can’t wait to get fired.
Final Score: USF 60 UConn 0
East Carolina (0-1) at West Virginia (1-0): If you are an East Carolina fan, this one is going to be a low down dirty shame.
Final Score: West Virginia (bushel) East Carolina (peck)
Villanova (1-0) at Temple (0-1): Temple’s defeat last Saturday was not proof that the Owls are a weak football team in 2017. Notre Dame’s offensive line is a behemoth this year and they pushed around Temple’s inexperienced front seven, which is undoubtedly their Achilles heel. There is not another team on Temple’s slate with a similar offensive front. Expect Temple to employ its own solid offensive line this week in a comparable demolition of the Villanova Wildcats.
Final Score: Temple 49 Villanova 16
Memphis (1-0) at UCF (1-0): Here is a scientific list of the wrestling personas of the AAC Football programs:
SMU: Heel that is beginning to get over with the marks.
Memphis: Heel that just blew a big push.
Tulsa: Affable Jabroni
Tulane: 1970s WWF Face
Navy: 1980s WWF Face
Temple: Indie Darling
USF: Jobber to the Stars
Cincinnati: Bob Backlund at Wrestlemania 9
UConn: Jabroni soon to be relegated to the indies
East Carolina: The Mulkey Brothers
UCF: Heel henchman who puts over the face on free TV two weeks before his boss faces the same face on Pay-Per-View
Final Score: UCF 12 Memphis 11
Louisiana-Lafayette (1-0) at Tulsa (0-1)
7 PM. Last Night during the first half hour of “Night Court” on WSBK. My summer cabin.
Mark Hudpseth: when the weather’s hot and sticky, the Ragin’ Cajun’s offensive is tricky
Philip Montgomery: Well, Mark. There is frost on the punkin down here in Tulsa. No more trickery from you. Your offense is just going to be dinking and dunking from here on out.
Mark Hudspeth: True.
Final Score: Tulsa 34 Louisiana-Lafayette 24
North Texas (1-0) at SMU (1-0): As my main man Mike Pierce once said, “Chad Morris is taking us from ColecoVision all the way to the Sega Dreamcast. And he is doing so in just one night.” And when Mike Pierce says Just One Night he is thinking of Eric Clapton and that fine concert album he released in 1980. The finest live album ever recorded at the Budokan Theatre other than Bob Dylan’s, Cheap Trick’s, Dream Theater’s, Ozzy Osbourne’s, Diana Ross’, The Michael Schenker Group’s, Iron Maiden’s, Frank Sinatra’s, Blur’s, The Bay City Rollers’, Journey’s, Mr. Big’s, Avril Lavigne’s, Judas Priest’s, The Backstreet Boys’, The Carpenters’, or Mr. Big’s second live album recorded there.
I’m not a big concert album guy though. I like studio gloss. Live albums, in the words of one of the guys from Camper Van Beethoven, are just “greatest hits played faster.” Except for the two Budokan ones Mr. Big did a few years back. Those were bodacious.
Final Score: SMU 58 North Texas 14
Tulane (1-0) at Navy (1-0): Speaking of Mr. Big, I nominate Mr. Big’s biggest hit, “To Be With You” to be Tulane’s 2017 entrance music. It’s slow, soulful groove will be the perfect thing to pump the fellas up for some AAC action. I don’t know how to make a YouTube pump-up video, but if I knew how, I would do a video with the Green Wave’s big hits and big plays from last year. Among the game highlights, I would sprinkle in some candid moments of warmth and collegiality from this year’s pre-season workouts. Then, I would slap some Mr. Big on top of it.
Number one song after number one song.
Final Score: Tulane 35 Navy 28
Houston (0-0) at Arizona (1-0): If asked, Ed Oliver could win this game by himself.
Final Score: Ed Oliver 35 Arizona 0
The Rest of the Country:
Oklahoma State (1-0) at South Alabama (0-1): Brian Jones, Donovan, Peter Asher, and assorted other members of the British pop fraternity assisted the Beatles on “Yellow Submarine.” They added a cacophony of cowbell, bathtub, soup spoon, and snorkel to the song’s chorus.
Final Score: Oklahoma State 62 South Alabama 10
Georgia (1-0) at Notre Dame (1-0): The Beatles’ Magical Mystery Tour was envisioned as a psychedelic version of a bus trip to summer camp in Blackpool. The holiday-bound bus patrons sing along to the vaudevillian “You’re Mother Should Know” on the way to Blackpool. Paul said he wrote the song as an homage to the kind of music that working class Liverpuddlians sang on the bus as they journeyed north for their summer vacations.
Final Score: Notre Dame 35 Georgia 24
Auburn (1-0) at Clemson (1-0): Every year, the Beatles recorded a Christmas greeting EP for members of their official fan club. In 1963, they recorded one of my favorite songs, “Good King Wenceslas.” Ringo sang it. He did a marvelous job. Ringo growls about the “feast of Stephen” with the pluck of a death metal frontman on this 40 second track. Ringo’s croaking on this track almost certainly inspired Cannibal Corpse’s George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher to pick up a microphone.
Final Score: Clemson 35 Auburn 31
Stanford (1-0) at USC (1-0): “Blue Jay Way” proved once and for all that George Harrison was not a fan of California’s car culture. He couldn’t stand the smog (There’s a fog upon LA) or its treacherous roadways (and my friends have lost their way). The quiet Beatle saw in California not a wonderland of American consumerism but instead a mass transit nightmare.
Final Score: Stanford 31 USC 20
Boise State (1-0) at Washington State (1-0): “I pulled into Kankakee at five-past four, leaving me more than enough time to explore the town’s main drag before the casserole came out of the oven. I started my tour of town at the Gas ‘Em Up, K-Town’s outstanding market/gas station/hoagie-shop/ice-cream hot spot. I spoiled my supper at the Pump-n-Pantry with a mammoth Banana Split that deserves a capital ‘B’ and a capital ‘S.’ Needing to burn off a few of these newly acquired calories before supper, I followed a sign up a side hill on the outskirts of town to a self-service driving range. I had no idea that such a thing existed, but the system appears to be operating smoothly at this Kankakee location. The driving range consisted of an R2-D2 shaped ball-dispenser, a beautifully mowed meadow, a few yardage markers, and a divinely-ordained central Illinois backdrop. There is no permanent attendant at the range and there are no range clubs available for unprepared golfers like myself. One of the other golfers at the range lent me his spare driver, enabling me to put on a green-jacket worthy display for the half dozen fellas present.”- Mike Leach, next January, when asked about a recruiting trip he took to Illinois.
Final Score: Washington 56 Boise State 28
Oklahoma (1-0) at Ohio State (1-0): This Buckeyes team is a few bricks short of a load.
Final Score: Oklahoma 45 Ohio State 31
As always, this is a work of parody and not intended to be taken seriously. For more of the same, follow me on Twitter: @ClaytonTrutor