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Zerberts: A One Act Play Starring Rob Ryan and Bret Bielema

Illinois v Minnesota Photo by David Berding/Getty Images

A One Play Act Play Inspired by the 2015 Mississippi State-Arkansas Game

Rob Ryan: Fiddlesticks! I got fired!

Bret Bielema: Sorry to hear that Rob. Maybe if the Saints defense wasn’t last in the league in every category you’d still have a job.

Rob Ryan: Aw Heck. I think you’re right, Bret. Know of any open jobs?

Bret Bielema: Have I got the job opportunity for you!

Rob Ryan: You want me to be your defensive coordinator?

Bret Bielema: No. If you can’t stop the offenses in the NFC South, then you sure as heck can’t stop the offenses in the SEC.

Rob Ryan: Are you offering me the belly raspberry thing again?

Bret Bielema: I sure am. Until I beat LSU the other night, I thought I was a goner after the season. I picked up some part time work earlier this year, figuring there would be a transition time between jobs. Every afternoon, I’ve been sitting shirtless in a lawn chair outside the Exxon Station on Paris Road in Algiers, Louisiana. I let strangers give my belly a raspberry for $5 a pop. All profit. The guy who owns the gas station doesn’t even charge me. My belly brings him in at least five fill-ups every afternoon. I was making upwards of $70 a day. One time, Les Miles showed up and paid for a triple-double. He had three different recruits get two cracks each at my belly.

Rob Ryan: Is that an NCAA violation?

Bret Bielema: No. He cleared it with the compliance officer. Who is also one of my best customers.

Rob Ryan: OK, I’ll take it.

Bret Bielema: I just want ten dollars every day for chair rental.

Rob Ryan: Chair rental! This ain’t no barbershop. I’m not giving you 10 of my hard earned dollars every day.

Bret Bielema: Did I mention that this service station is across the street from a Shoney’s?

Rob Ryan: 10 dollars a day will be just fine. Shoney’s, here I come!