Clayton Picks All the Games Correctly: Week 5 - The “Indiana is Going to Defeat Ohio State Handily” Edition

Last week was not my best week, but you can’t dominate college football like Rockne’s Four Horseman every Saturday. I plan a return to form, starting this Thursday at Nippert Stadium.

Last Week: 7-7

Season to Date: 35-24

Our Game

- Miami (3-0) at Cincinnati (2-2) (Thursday): Billy Corben’s The U and The U Part II have become the sports documentary equivalents of Goodfellas and the first two Godfather films for me. If I am flipping around at 10:30 on a Tuesday evening and either of these films are in progress, then I’m in for a long night. Even better than The U films is Corben’s documentary about unlicensed backyard bare-knuckle fighting in South Florida called Dawg Fight.  Few filmmakers or writers document their homes as vividly or with as much complexity as Corben does Miami and its environs. As an aside, I think Hayden Moore is going to break his own, one-week-old single-game passing record in a big Thursday night win for the Bearcats.

Final Score: Cincinnati 48, Miami 20

The Rest of the AAC

- Memphis (4-0) at USF (1-2) (Friday): I’ve never seen Platoon. Been too busy. Heard the catcher from Major League is in it.

Final Score: Memphis 43, USF 37

- Temple (3-0) at Charlotte (2-2) (Friday): Since when does Charlotte play football? Charlotte is college basketball country. More importantly, it is Horsemen Country. Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, and Tully Blanchard. Among the Four Horsemen, there is only one world heavyweight champion and that is The Nature Boy. Ric Flair. The Man Who Wears the Ten Pounds of Gold. You talk about your Harley Race and your Magnum TA, but there is only one world’s heavyweight champion. Moreover, Atlanta deserves a real man like Ric Flair. People stand in line to see Ric Flair because he is the greatest wrestler in the world today. OK? Long Limousines, Million Dollar Watches, Ten Thousand Dollar Shirts, Jet Airplanes, he has all of that. But what he cares the most about is that World’s Heavyweight Title. That belt that he has held 16 times. Ric Flair has no plans to drop the belt in Charlotte, North Carolina, at the Greensboro Coliseum, the Omni, the Summit, or at the Cincinnati Gardens.

Final Score: Temple 107, Charlotte 0

- UConn (2-2) at BYU (2-2): Happy 75^th Birthday to Taysom Hill. I think the Cougars will help the longtime BYU quarterback celebrate this milestone birthday with an easy home win. Willard Scott will be making a post-game appearance to wish the frequently injured quarterback a "happy birthday." SPOILER ALERT: Let’s hope ol’ Willard doesn’t hurt himself jumping out of that surprise birthday cake.  SERIOUS QUESTION: Are the 34 guys on the BYU roster who collect pensions from Social Security in violation of the NCAA’s rules against paying players?

Final Score: BYU 45, UConn 17

- East Carolina (2-2) at SMU (1-3): SMU has hired an army of drones to help them out at practice. ECU hasn’t.

Final Score: SMU 35, ECU 25

- UCF (0-4) at Tulane (1-2): The Unstoppable Force versus the Immovable Object. I see this one going down just like Wrestlemania III. Curtis Johnson is going to put George O’Leary over.  O’Leary is going to body slam him, hit him with the big leg, and get the 1-2-3 courtesy of Earl Hebner.  After the game, O’Leary is planning on performing a twenty-minute long, Hogan-esque pose-down for the full house at Yulman Stadium and the closed-circuit audience of more than 100,000 at the Silverdome in Pontiac, Michigan.

Final Score: UCF 42, Tulane 28

- Houston (3-0) at Tulsa (2-1): My perusal of youtube suggests that Houston has made significant institutional investments in hype-up videos depicting the athleticism, grit, esprit de corps, and community service work of their football team.

Final Score: Houston 51, Tulsa 38

- Air Force (2-1) at Navy (3-0): O Trinity of love and power/Our brethren’s shield in danger’s hour/from rock and tempest, fire and foe/Protect them wheresoe’er they go/Thus evermore shall rise to Thee/Glad hymns of praise from land and sea.

Final Score: Navy 38, Air Force 20

The Rest of the Country

- #13 Alabama (3-1) at #8 Georgia (4-0): Uga has a secret. He goes for rides in the Rambling Wreck during the off-season. Nick Saban has a secret too. A far darker one. He is a Skeletons in the Closet Deadhead.  Every morning, he listens to "Casey Jones" on repeat while he eats his daily box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Pies. He evangelizes to Tuscaloosa’s bohemian community (which consists of three cousins who saw Widespread Panic open for the Spin Doctors back in ’93) about the hallucinogenic properties of cherry Robitussin.

Final Score: Alabama 17, Georgia 14

- #6 Notre Dame (4-0) at #12 Clemson (3-0): It amazes me that no one ever trips in Death Valley when they are coming down that hill toward Howard’s Rock.

Final Score: Clemson 27, Notre Dame 24

- Arkansas (1-3) at Tennessee (2-2): The only reason I’ve ever bought frozen peas is to use them as icepacks.

Final Score: Tennessee 42, Arkansas 40

- Arizona (3-1) at #18 Stanford (3-1): Miley Cyrus is the American Edith Piaf.  If you don’t believe me, fire up "Wrecking Ball" right now. It has all of the emotional depth of "Trois Cloches" or "Non, je ne regrette rien."

Final Score: Rich Rods 45, Stanford 31

- #1 Ohio State (4-0) at Indiana (4-0): When I was little, Indiana seemed to be on television a lot. It was mostly the result of those beastly running backs they had: Vaughn Dunbar and Anthony Thompson. Dunbar sticks out in my mind particularly. I am amazed that he didn’t have a Jerome Bettis-like NFL career. In college, he was like a combination of Marshawn Lynch’s power, Ironhead Heyward’s size, and Christian Okoye’s surprising speed.

Urban Meyer, on the other hand, reminds me of Davey from Davey and Goliath. Much like Davey, I think he is secretly up to something. I preferred Ohio State in the John Cooper days.

Final Score: Indiana 53, Ohio State 22 (UPSET OF THE WEEK)

- Texas (Not Too Good) at #4 TCU (Pretty Darn Lucky So Far): At the end of this game, the Texas players will give Bevo a Gatorade shower before carrying him around on their shoulders. The processional will only stop when the TCU athletic department shuts the lights off at Amon G. Carter Stadium, at which point Bevo will jump over the moon, "Hey Diddle Diddle" style, casting a shadow on the earth that will last 40 days and 40 nights.

Final Score: Texas 34, TCU 27

- Georgetown (2-2) at Harvard (3-0): "Shipping Up to Boston" is "Sweet Caroline" for dudes. On that note, I learned from the documentaries Black Mass, The Departed, Gone, Baby, Gone, Southie, Monument Avenue, Good Will Hunting, The Town, Mystic River, Weekend at Bernie II, and A Walk to Remember that Boston is the only American city with a crime problem.

Final Score: Harvard 3, Georgetown 2

- Iowa (4-0) at #18 Wisconsin (3-1): "I work with the throwers"- every hefty track coach in America.

Final Score: Wisconsin 21, Iowa 14

- #3 Ole Miss (4-0) at #23 Florida (4-0): "Clayton, you gotta learn to relate to the kids. As MSNBC like to say, they are on the right side of history, you know. The kids loitering at Menchie’s feel the same way about those three Ed Sheeran songs they downloaded that you felt about Daydream Nation." – Me at Menchie’s, pilfering the rainbow jimmies.

Final Score: Ole Miss 28, Florida 20